Missed out on learning anything but basic self care - tips wanted.

[FamilyPhoto]

I am an oops baby, born after my parents had thought they'd finished their family . I have no doubt that I was loved, however I was not a priority. My parens marriage was tempestuous ( weekly argumens which I witnessed). They also ran a business together which took up most if their time. From the age of 11 my parents were both out of the house from 5am -7pm 6 days a week and I was on my own.
So, Im now in my 50's and my self care is stranded at a level of a young teen.
I shower , wash my hair and brush my teeth. Slap on any moisturiser that happens to be at hand.
I started a thread on S&B and got some good skincare tips, but I need a more rounded routine.
Ive had my hair cut & have booked ahead for the next 6 months as keeping going to the hairdresser is one thing I struggle with.
Ive started getting manicures and gel polish, this bit I really enjoy.
It actually feels really alien to priorotise myself 😳, but Im determined to finally do so.
So, does anyone have any advice please ?

Go to the counter of a well known beauty brand and ask them to talk you through a beauty routine and basic makeup. You don’t have to buy what they recommend - you can go and buy cheaper brands.
If you are anxious about what to wear book a personal shopper in a department store. Ask them for some everyday outfits. Again, you don’t have to buy but they will tell you what suits you.
Also, make sure you have your bras fitted so you are wearing the correct size.

@Rocknrollstar thank you.
Actually the Bra thing is the one thing DM insisted on taking me for every 6 months as a teen so its a habit Ive kept up.

How's about regular dental care? Six monthly or annual check-up, clean and polish?

@mbosnz sadly not, I now have ok teeth but had to have a lot of dental work done in my early 40's due to gum disease. These days I am more on the ball.

I see a somatic therapist, and she recommends reconnecting with your body via touch — ‘mindful moisturising’ is one technique. Using a nice-smelling moisturiser all over on a regular basis, to get you touching your body with affection, not just treating it as a sort of flesh cage for your brain.

I wouldn’t focus exclusively on ‘outer’ and cosmetic self-presentation.

A monthly massage? It's soothing and relaxing. And a great source of advice if you click with your masseuse.

Optician? To have glasses or contact lenses that fit and are the correct strength is important. It’s very easy to ‘make do’ and not notice subtle changes.

@NotParticularly thank you.
I have had CBT in the past which has helped me understand why the situation happened but I still feel that I need permission to prioritise myself.
My M had had a very bad episode of depression when I was 12 - her behaviour was very erratic during that time. She withdrew £500 and told my dad it was for my school uniform & clothes as Id had a massive growth spurt and spent the lot on herself, hiding clothes and cosmetics in her car. Dad ended up intercepting a phone call from the school who were concerned because Id been arriving in the dead of winter in sandals and a light cotton coat , when asked I told them- honestly- that I didnt have any other shoes or coat that fitted. In fact I had very little that fitted. The shit hit the fan.

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 Ive worn glasses since I was 7 years old so again this is something I can keep up with.

Skin care is one thing, but do you really need to start spending a fortune on make up and beauty stuff if you're comfortable as you are? So much of it is just a rip-off anyway.

I hear you. I’ve had to learn to prioritise myself, and it wasn’t a speedy process. (Likewise had a very impoverished childhood, in which discomfort and overcrowdedness were the norm.) I try to focus on what my body is feeling, where I am experiencing sensations of pleasure or discomfort in my body, and approaching things in terms of ‘What would feel pleasant and regulating?’ Doing things like baths, wearing clothes that feel good, growing flowers for the house, making nice food etc.

@Isatis but thats the thing, since menopause started I'm NOT comfortable with the way I present myself to the world.
I got by when I was younger with good skin and healthy hair .
I want to dress up when I go out with friends not just make myself invisible in black jeans and top.

I worked hard to give my own daughter a better start , now its time to give that to myself . Im just not too sure how .

Emotionally unavailable parents. Yep I had some of those. Like they never taught me to brush my teeth. I didn’t even have my own toothbrush….

Ive learnt self care is much more than skin or nails though.
It’s about putting yourself first. Knowing what your needs are and expressing them. Whatever those needs are. Practical, physical or emotional.

Doing your nails is great because it’s a nice small way to learn you deserve that just as much as anyone else. The moisturising your body is a lovely idea too (thanks for that. I’ll use it myself @NotParticularly )

Next step, ime, is harder. It’s learning to say No to what’s not working for you. It’s expressing your needs and giving them the same weight as everyone else.
And it’s dealing with the grief and sadness (and trauma) from having been raised like that. I found that a good trauma informed therapist is essential.

I worked hard to give my own daughter a better start , now its time to give that to myself . Im just not too sure how .

Can I just say? You’re an amazing woman @FamilyPhoto
It’s not easy to overcome an upbringing like this and you’ve broken the mold.

Thank you @NotParticularly .
The strange thing is that in some ways I was privileged. Riding lessons ( as long as I could get myself to them), instrument lessons , over the top Xmas pressies.
But alone 6 morning's a week. DM spending £000 at Cliniqe every month but me washing my face with plain soap.
Both forgetting to get any shopping in for me ( they ate at work ) so I would split a tin of sweetcorn over 2 nights dinner. Nothing else, just sweetcorn. And if I rang them and actually got through then they would promise to bring me something in, then usually forget / get something frozen that would take an age to cook ( early 80's , they had taken our microwave to work).

Hello, I'm sorry you weren't prioritised in your childhood, that must be hard to process and accept. It's lovely you're starting to give yourself that time.

Here's what I do- I do very little, I'd say the bare minimum for me!- hopefully this helps to see my routine. (And it's having a routine that helps me)

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-Shower every morning (but occasionally every other day) and brush and floss teeth twice a day always

-Wash hair as least often as possible because I'm lazy, on Sundays and once midweek

-Blow dry my hair as straight as I can. Sometimes straighten it if I have plans

-Always wear make up, but very little, CC cream and mascara every day. That's it. Have a 'full face' routine if going out

-Remove make up every night. Micellar water for my eyes and Clinique 'take the day off' balm (or Elemis if on offer) with a wet hot cloth. Or a Simple wipe if feeling lazy

-Moisturise face after every shower, but no other time. No other skincare (bad I know as I'm 40 but face seems fine)

-Have a scrubby 'everything' shower on a Sunday. I shave everywhere, exfoliate, use a really nice shower gel (I like L'Occitane almond) as this feels like a treat, thoroughly wash my hair, and moisturise my body when I come out (the only time I do this)

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That's it. Easy to maintain and stick to.

I get my nails done (BIAB) every 3 weeks, and in the summer get my toes done too (gel) every 6 weeks. This makes me feel 'done'.

Haircut every 6 months and a dye- I top it up in between appointments at home.

Have a uniform of sorts for every day. I have 3 pairs of the same trousers and 3 leggings because they're comfy and I like them and hate shopping, and various tops to switch it up with. I prioritise comfort though. Decent shoes and a coat and a nice bag make me feel good enough.

Also , my parents , especially mum, both apologised. We became very close once I had children myself and they were the most supportive grandparents, provided childcare for years and are so generous that I now have to be careful not to mention anything I want to buy or they buy it! We had some therepy all together when I was 19 after a family tragedy.

That's lovely, must be very healing that they are good grandparents.

@Webbb thank you, thats exactly the type of thing I need !

It's also worth thinking about devoting time to building your fitness and strength - we can lose muscle very quickly around menopause so getting a good routine of strength building with a bit of cardio is good for your body and has huge mental benefits. I think it's the best investment you can make to preserve your independence and ability to live life to the full.

@ThereIsALifeOutThere @UnaOfStormhold thank you both , lots to think about.

I would say I do a minimal amount of self care. Like you I had parents that were quite unavailable. I was never taught how to brush my teeth for example and was bullied at school as I didn't wash often enough. It's something I've had to learn for myself.

What I do:

I aim to have a shower every day, even if it's just a 60 second wash of my body before I get into pyjamas. I don't always manage it but I aim for at least 5 days out of 7. It genuinely took me until my 30s to realise I didn't have to wash my hair every time I showered (because that takes an age to dry as it's so thick.)

With regards to hair, I only go every 6 months for a good cut and a conditioning treatment, but I book the next appointment when I'm there. I don't have it dyed. I wash it at least 3 times a week. If I'm just tying it up I have some nice claw clips and put my hair up that way as it makes it feel more intentional than just shoving it into a ponytail.

I moisturise my body after each shower or bath if I'm getting straight into pyjamas (I almost always wash in the evening as I have more time then, so I put on body lotion most days.)

I wash my face with a cream cleaner and a flannel and have some basic serum and moisturiser that I apply morning and evening.

I have a scale and polish with a dental hygienist every 6 months.

I walk regularly and listen to podcasts when I do. I also follow online yoga videos.

@GameOfJones thank you. Its a shame there are so many of us out there. My therapist described my situation as benign neglect .