Friends white lies

[pestoblush]

I have a close friend who is a good person. But I often catch out little lies. Recently she was dating a man and I heard her say to him she left her phone at home and wasn’t able to reach him (she is never without her phone)
She literally said to me she couldn’t be arsed taking to him.
I feel a bit used lately as she only rings me when she wants to offload or tell me something

I really needed someone to talk to yesterday and reached out. She’s totally entitled not to take the call and I would 100 perfect respect that. What I don’t like is that she rang after lunch today saying she was away in the city and forgot her phone. So I am hurt.am I a nuisance too?

why lie? Why not just text that she would chat to me today or later in the week. I quickly and brightly said I was in the middle of making dinner and I would chat later .., I don’t want to end the friendship but I see it for what it is now 😩

@pestoblush I don’t want to end the friendship but I see it for what it is now.

And that's your starting point.

I understand not wanting to cut people out of your life totally.

But if you want to retain some relationship with her, it has to be on YOUR TERMS. So, if she wants to unload, stall. Tell her you'll only be able to talk to her after a few days' time because you're SO BUSY. And then limit the time you give her - "Must dash, meeting a friend for (any timed event).

Also very important is DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM HER. Tell her the bare minimum about your life, and keep it neutral, "Oh, yes, that turned out fine."
You won't get the warm and fuzzies from the relationship, but you won't get kicked either.

I’m having to do exactly this after I realised my best friend can’t/want support me in the way I need. I’m a “bend over backwards and inconvenience myself a million times over for a friend in need” sort of person. She is a “on my terms, in my way, if I happen to fancy it” sort of friend when a favour or help is needed.

I’m slowly stepping back. It’s hard as I really want her friendship, but I find I am constantly let down by her and I’m not being a door mat anymore.

It’s hard isn’t it- I really like her so that is why is so disappointing

but you’re right - they cannot just take what they need and then leave you down when you need them the most. I helped this person a LOT literally daily for well over year or two actually. She’s on her own as her relationship broke down and I do feel for her (also job not going well for her - she’s quite direct and sharp but she’s funny and I enjoy her company)

But yesterday I had a really bad day over something quite serious and to say she left the phone at home .. even my husband was laughing at the ridiculous lies as she’s never ever off the phone ever

What’s annoying is the lying

why not say to me in a quick text she was out for the day or today to say she needed a day go herself ? We are meant to go to Christmas markets during the week but I feel so let down I think I will bring the kids instead

It sounds like what you've got here is a classic passive-aggressive operator.
These people are actually afraid to advocate for themselves, as in, "I'm afraid I'm exhausted, and I really don't feel like talking," because they imagine you won't understand or accept it. They feel they have to make some excuse which, in their mind, makes them completely blameless. I guess it's the adult version of "the dog ate my homework."

Also very important is DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM HER. Tell her the bare minimum about your life, and keep it neutral, "Oh, yes, that turned out fine."
You won't get the warm and fuzzies from the relationship, but you won't get kicked either.

Thank you BaguetteLady for posting this. I'm in a not dissimilar situation to the OP. Someone I've been friends with for over 10 years and who decided about 18 months ago to ‘ take a different path' for the want of a better phrase. She’s involved with someone downright unethical, controlling and abusive and I've started to notice the white lies recently (she never lied before, as a person of faith).
I did examine in some depth our friendship and wondered if I had actually been a good friend to her. I decided I had, always helping whenever she asked. We see each other much less frequently now and I had stopped answering her questions - as you suggested to the OP - based on the assumption that anything I did say would get fed back to her new “friend”. She has realised that I don't tell her stuff anymore, but based in comments she's made she doesn’t understand why.

I suppose I'm an “all or nothing” kind of person and find it very difficult to spend time “superficially” with her now. Did think about ending it all together but she doesn’t have many friends and neither do I. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My dh literally said it like my dog ate my homework 😂😞

Don’t know to laugh or cry but everyone needs someone and I’ll be smarter next time

They aren't white lies, they are just lies.

How long have you known this person and has she always been like this? I personally struggle with people who flagrantly lie

I know her two and a half years. One thing I never do is lie - I can’t stand it and I think it’s the one thing that has worked in my favour in life. Even my dh said it was the thing that drew me to him. Fakeness - what is the point at all ?

She didn’t tell me where she actually lived for about a year. She said it was another town. But it turned out she had problems with her family and didn’t want people to find out who she was. It’s only dawning on me now how many more lies ?