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Original poster

Best friend dumped me

27 replies

WilliamIII · 14/12/2024 21:54

I'm 47 not 7 but have realised that the woman who has been my best friend dince childhood has more or less dumped me, she's been too busy to meet in the last couple of months or had cancelled a few planned meetings at really short notice.

I have been going through a tough time with family stuff, but i haven't been dumping on her as i haven't seen her, just made a few references in texts. No falling out, I think i'm just very very low in her priorities.

I feel really pathetic but i've been in tears since this came to a head today, when she'd double booked so said she'll catch up with me later. How do you make a new best friend in your 40s?

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 14/12/2024 22:07

Hmm

after a couple of months, are you sure? Two months- if you mean that literally - isn't that long.

I would try and talk to her about it. Hopefully it's not what you think?

OriginalUsername2 · 14/12/2024 22:11

A couple of months is small in the context of a lifelong friendship. Maybe it’s not as bad as you think.

Personally I find the label “Best Friend” a bit too much pressure as an adult. She might just want to try other social avenues for a bit?

Original poster
WilliamIII · 14/12/2024 22:41

We don't live in each others pockets, we probably met up once a week, sometimes just for a quick coffee at the supermarket on a Saturday morning. We have been there for each other for marriages, my divorce, bereavements etc.

We don't call each other 'best friends' but she was definitely my closest friend, and I've been a bit slow in realising that I've been downgraded.

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 14/12/2024 22:44

You don't look to make a new 'best friend', you just socialise and make friends.

The rest will happen organically if it's meant to be.

Terrribletwos · 14/12/2024 22:48

So you only meet up very a few times? How are you close friends?

Shes maybe not your friend? Do you speak on the phone?

EmeraldRoulette · 14/12/2024 22:52

Terrribletwos · 14/12/2024 22:48

So you only meet up very a few times? How are you close friends?

Shes maybe not your friend? Do you speak on the phone?

But OP said they meet up every week

sandgrown · 14/12/2024 22:53

I have lots of other friends but have slowly realised I have been downgraded by someone I was good friends with for over 20 years . We shared lots of life changing events and I think I was very supportive. She got a new job and now mixes with senior managers so maybe I am not “posh” enough . We only meet if I arrange it nowadays and she never contacts me between our meet-ups any more . I tried asking her but she just says she has been busy. I feel nowadays that if I don’t contact her I won’t see her again which is quite sad .

MadridMadridMadrid · 14/12/2024 23:21

WonderfulUsername · 14/12/2024 22:44

You don't look to make a new 'best friend', you just socialise and make friends.

The rest will happen organically if it's meant to be.

I agree that trying to make a new "best" friend (as opposed to trying to make friends) is a bad idea. You may put off potential friends who are happy to make new friends, but don't want the commitment of being a "best" friend.

Enough4me · 14/12/2024 23:27

Best friends as a concept doesn't even work for 7 year olds. Join groups, chat to new people and don't cling on to one person as it can be too much. Having a few friends takes pressure off you and them.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 23:28

My closest friend has stopped contact. It's been about two years now. I still message every few months, but starting to feel very silly. I should just give up.

SassK · 14/12/2024 23:41

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 23:28

My closest friend has stopped contact. It's been about two years now. I still message every few months, but starting to feel very silly. I should just give up.

That's sad 😔 It can have a significant/lasting effect when a friend checks out. Important to remember its a them thing, not a you thing.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 14/12/2024 23:56

Sometimes these things can create some space for new things. What would you like to do? Something your friend wouldn’t have liked but now you can indulge yourself a bit?

ShrubRose · 14/12/2024 23:56

Do you know anyone who knows her? Is there a discreet way of inquiring if she is going through something serious that she doesn't want to share?

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 23:59

@SassK thank you. I'm more worried she might be having a hard time, as we didn't fall out over anything. She moved away and I always wanted to visit, but never actually got an invite. Her mum lives near me but when I last saw her it was only for a couple of hours. This was more than two years ago. Last time she arranged to see me then cancelled on the day. Wall of silence ever since. 😞
I miss her a lot. But these things happen.
I'm trying to branch out into a few new friendships and existing ones who I should really make more effort with myself.

Pickledhen · 15/12/2024 00:00

Have you asked her ? I think I'd be inclined to say.....,is everything OK, have I done something to upset you, ......kind of thing. Not accusatory as such ...just that maybe life can throw curveballs at us all and people change. If she doesn't offer àn explanation and the behaviour continues then it's maybe time to accept she has changed toward you.

For a different perspective i have a very close friend who relied very heavily on me through a number of life challenges... it really started to wear me down. She is an incredibly kind person overall but for a while her issues really made me question whether I could cope with her problems on top of my own trials and tribulations. She is now in a much better place thankfully but I did feel I was a sounding board for everything for a while which made me want some distance. Could this be happening with you?

ShrubRose · 15/12/2024 00:04

My other thought is wondering what it was like the last time you got together. Was there a sense of tension at any point? Something she reacted to that she didn't feel comfortable bringing up?

RubyWinehouse · 15/12/2024 00:06

The only close friends I have are friends I have since school days and from work. Apart from two who I speak to daily, the others I chat to maybe once, twice a month. All of my friends are from the 80's x

Original poster
WilliamIII · 15/12/2024 13:29

BobbyBiscuits · 14/12/2024 23:28

My closest friend has stopped contact. It's been about two years now. I still message every few months, but starting to feel very silly. I should just give up.

This is how i feel, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
WilliamIII · 15/12/2024 13:42

ShrubRose · 15/12/2024 00:04

My other thought is wondering what it was like the last time you got together. Was there a sense of tension at any point? Something she reacted to that she didn't feel comfortable bringing up?

I've been thinking back but can't think of anything.

She had some family drama and I've been very understanding if she cancells, thats sorted now, and I think she just got in the habit of doing it, and I just realised that she's done it repeatedly.

I know I can't magic a new close friendship, I feel sad and a bit pathetic. The loss of a close friendship is something we're supposed to just shrug off, and not to be silly about.

Sorry to others who've gone through this.

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 15/12/2024 18:58

@WilliamIII "The loss of a close friendship is something we're supposed to just shrug off, and not to be silly about."

I'm hugely sympathetic but MN generally isn't.

will you talk to her about it?

HollyChristmas · 15/12/2024 19:03

It's quite sad isn't it ?
My friend has more or less dumped me because I've now got a life long medical problem so there are things I can't do anymore .

BobbyBiscuits · 15/12/2024 21:52

@WilliamIII it's sad but I think it's best to just try and focus on people that are more present. I'm feeling positive that I should just keep on being sociable and friendly with people, if someone drops off then so be it. X

Original poster
WilliamIII · 15/12/2024 22:04

If I challenge her I think she'll get defensive and I'll sound pathetic but it won't make any difference.

I think I was a handy friend, we get on well, similar interests, kids get on well, a shared history grew up between us. I thought we were close, but it may have just been proximity.

OP posts:
Serene135 · 15/12/2024 22:45

Some people are friends for a reason and some for a season. Sometimes friendships can be a convenience thing. It’s unkind of your “friend”.
I think you might need to accept that the friendship is over and move on. Hope you are ok 🌺

ShrubRose · 15/12/2024 23:00

@Serene135
Some people are friends for a reason and some for a season.

Great expression! So true.