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Original poster

Christmas family drama

24 replies

oyster07 · 14/12/2024 20:38

I am new here so don't know where exactly to put this question. Hopefully, I will get some helpful suggestions even if I used the wrong sub topic.
Backstory: SIL is from a different country/culture so perhaps something is lost in translation. She has refused to come to our Christmas dinner and family get together this year. By OUR, I mean our in-laws place as they host Christmas dinner every year for the entire family. She had some disagreement with our in-laws and both sides have not talked in a few months.
Our family celebrates Dec. 6th as St. Nicholas Day and grandparents fill boots with nuts and oranges and a small present. Well, they didn't do it this year for her children. I think it was due to the disagreement which is not a big thing but she called me to complain that it was unfair that the children had to "suffer" for the adults issues. Her children are teens but were disappointed so she filled their boots the next day but now the DC are aware of the schism.
I am trying to convince her to come to the family Christmas but she is absolutely refusing. So, her children and the DH will come but she will stay home. She thinks her children shouldn't have to suffer their relationship with the grandparents. Her DH shows her sympathy but he is siding with his parents as he thinks they will NOT compromise on this. I feel very sorry that she will spend Christmas alone as she has no family or friends here.
Is she in the wrong? How do I handle this? By the way, I have broached the topic to the in-laws and they are adamant they are in the right. So we have two stubborn groups here....

OP posts:

mnahmnah · 14/12/2024 20:51

Well it all depends on the details! I.e what they fell out about. We can’t judge who is unfair in this situation when we don’t know what either side said or did wrong.

But, I agree with your SIL that the children shouldn’t have the disagreement taken out on them and your PIL not doing the boots filled with nuts and orange was incredibly unfair.

Arseynal · 14/12/2024 20:53

Is she in the wrong?

Depends to a large degree on what the original disagreement was about but I’d be fucked off if my dcs grandparents ignored a long-standing St Nicolas tradition without warning because of a fallout with one parent. Team sil on limited info.

How do I handle this?

It’s a “not my circus” situation. See them separately. You don’t have to take sides if you don’t want to.

Her DH shows her sympathy but he is siding with his parents as he thinks they will NOT compromise on this.

This relationship is in trouble. Your bil could have deescalated the situation by spending Christmas Day with his wife and taking the dc to visit the grandparents on a different day but he’s leaving his wife alone on Christmas Day and not even saying it’s because his wife is wrong to be bothered about the original argument, or about the Dec 6th snub of the children, but because his wife should compromise but his parents shouldn’t. I’d spend Christmas Day changing the locks if I was her. Maybe if you like your bil you could ask him if he’s lost his actual mind and remind him that he is a grown ass man with the responsibilities of a husband.

haje · 14/12/2024 20:57

mnahmnah · 14/12/2024 20:51

Well it all depends on the details! I.e what they fell out about. We can’t judge who is unfair in this situation when we don’t know what either side said or did wrong.

But, I agree with your SIL that the children shouldn’t have the disagreement taken out on them and your PIL not doing the boots filled with nuts and orange was incredibly unfair.

Exactly this. Her DH is clearly still seeing them. So absolute no need for that silliness on the in-laws part.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families

Rhaidimiddim · 14/12/2024 21:25

PILs crossed a line when they chose to exlude the childten from the Sinteklaase gifting.
If I were your SIL.I wouldn't be happy to guve these spiteful.PILs a second chance to use my kids against me. Especially when PILs don't think they have done anything wrong.

I am sorry her DH doen't have her, or his childtens' back in this.

Original poster

oyster07 · 15/12/2024 12:38

Thank you all.
I know why they fell out but as I heard two different versions, I am not sure what the truth is. All I know if that I feel sad for her to be alone on Christmas. She wants her children to go the grandparents because the DC love their grandparents and have been going there for Christmas since they were babies.
Our ILS have invited the whole family to Christmas dinner but SIL is refusing to go.
My ILs are passive aggressive people. And I think I know my BIL enough to know that he wants the whole thing behind him. That is why he is going ahead with DC to his parents. I am not sure if he is talking to them, though. I can't ask him openly. And my DH doesn't want to get involved.

OP posts:

SadSandwich · 15/12/2024 12:43

The ILs are bullies. I feel for your SIL in between a rock and a hard place. Does your SIL observe Christmas - if she doesn’t then it may not be a big deal from her and her family’s pov to not ‘do’ this.

atotalshambles · 15/12/2024 12:44

From what you have written, I feel sorry for the SIL. I think no one should be on their own at Christmas.

TitaniasAss · 15/12/2024 12:47

Don't you think it was really shitty of the grandparents to leave the children out OP? It's hard to tell as your OP reads a little sarky as though you think that your SIL is in the wrong. Teens or not, that was a deliberately unkind act. I don't blame her for not going and her husband should be supporting her rather than let his parents bully his wife.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 15/12/2024 12:49

Your ILs sound absolutely horrible. I would honestly struggle to play happy families with people who took an adult argument out on their grandchildren and withheld presents from them like that, absolutely despicable behaviour.

Your SIL is a bigger person than me as there is no way I would allow my children to spend Christmas with my in laws if they acted like that. In your shoes I’d also be seriously reconsidering my own family’s attendance to their Christmas Day celebrations as I’d be concerned that if we fell out they’d start being nasty to my children next and want to distance myself from people like that.

SheilaFentiman · 15/12/2024 12:54

Your SIL is acting perfectly reasonably and in a way that might well be advised to her if she posted. She isn’t stopping her H or kids seeing the PILs, she’s just choosing not to do so herself. A wise choice if there is likely to be a snidey atmosphere: I would happily stay home with the remote control, a whole tin of Roses and all the smoked salmon I could eat over spending Xmas in a fraught house.

This applies whoever was “at fault” in the first place!

luckylavender · 15/12/2024 12:57

Stay out of it

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 13:02

I would enjoy this having nothing to do with me, and your husband's relatives can fight all they wish.

Awrite · 15/12/2024 13:16

I actually think I would divorce a man who sided with his parents and left me on my own at Christmas. Regardless of who was in the wrong in the original dispute.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/12/2024 13:21

She’s made a sensible and fair decision. The family could respect it rather than trying to force her.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 13:22

Your PIL left out some of their grandchildren from Christmas gifts because they were mad at their mother?! It doesn’t matter what the argument was about, they were completely out of line doing that! Punishing the children because you were mad at their parent is terrible behaviour!

if you want to get involved, tell your BIL he should back his wife, his parents hurt the feelings of his children because they were mad at his wife and he should be telling them clearly unless they properly apologise and promise not to do that again, won’t see them again. He should be raging at his parents.

that he’s not suggests he really thinks his parents are the only people who need to be happy. His wife thinks the priority should be his kids. He should think carefully about why he’s being a shit dad and husband.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 13:24

Obviously the best move you could make is offer to take your dcs and dh to your bils house instead. Leave nasty grandparents to stew. (Please tel me you all told PIL how shitty it was to leave out the grandkids, you didn’t just accept it- what if it’s your kids next time?!)

OriginalUsername2 · 15/12/2024 13:28

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 13:24

What a great idea!

This sentence here:

“Her DH shows her sympathy but he is siding with his parents as he thinks they will NOT compromise on this.“

.. makes me think they want to rule over everyone. Who do they think they are?! If the woman wants to opt out, that’s that. No “compromise” asked for.

Take Christmas away from them and shut them up.

TitaniasAss · 15/12/2024 13:33

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 13:24

100% agree with this.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 13:41

this also stood out for me:
“Her DH shows her sympathy but he is siding with his parents as he thinks they will NOT compromise on this.“

her dh isn’t siding with his parents because he thinks they are right and she’s wrong. He’s not siding with them because he thinks their behaviour was correct. He’s siding with them because he knows they will be shitty no matter what and he has been conditioned to believe what makes them happy is important. He’s a bad dad and bad husband.

slightlydistrac · 15/12/2024 13:45

@oyster07 My advice to you would be to stay well out of it, remain polite & courteous to all, and do not take sides.

Please don't try to negotiate a peace settlement, because both sides will then think you are siding with the other lot.

InSpainTheRain · 15/12/2024 13:52

I wouldn't be getting involved in this. It's your DH's family and not your place in my view. Back off trying to persuade SIL to do anything. Definitely a not my circus not my monkeys situation.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 15/12/2024 13:58

I do appreciate the “not my circus” points, but I honestly couldn’t sit idly by and allow my nieces/nephews/SIL to be treated this way by other members of the family.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 15/12/2024 14:25

Yes, whatever the rights and wrongs of the disagreement, treating their own grandchildren like that was just spiteful. They are being punished because their GPs fell out with their mother - but they are their father's children too, their own son's children. What kind of person does that? And what kind of parent (father) allows it?

twentysevendresses · 15/12/2024 15:03

Well your ILs are shits aren't they?? I'd not want to spend a minute in their company, and I certainly wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with them! Can't stand bullies...and they sound like prize ones to me! Your SIL deserves huge respect for standing up to them...maybe it's time the rest of the family followed suit!

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