Do social workers/society think mothers are more responsible for children's welfare and safety than fathers?

[SnappyCroc]

There have been lots of cases lately of children being hurt or injured by one parent (or quite often a step-parent or both) and there does seem to be a gendered aspect to discussion of these cases. So a non-resident father escapes much blame for the mistreatment or neglect of his child/children because "how could he have known? or "he wasn't the one looking after them", while a non-resident mother is blamed because "she failed her child first" (presumably because the child was not living with her).

I remember doing some babysitting when I was younger for a single dad who was struggling and he was very bitter about the children's mother who had chosen to be the EOW parent and used to say things like "here I am because she abandoned the kids, it's not natural" and I secretly agreed and thought she was a terrible mum, which in hindsight was double standards.

Are women held more accountable for their children's welfare and safety and do social services focus more on mothers than fathers? And do fathers tend to think primary day-to-day care of their children is their responsibility, especially if the mother can't/won't do it?

Yes.

A combination of misogyny and realism: it’s women’s role in life to be “Mum”, and in most cases it’s the woman who can be relied upon to do what needs to be done in the home and with the children.

I wonder how much of it is just down to realism or the mum usually being the one who sticks around?

It's quite common for men to up and leave when young children arrive - so a father walking out on his kids doesn't seem to trigger any particular child welfare concerns.

I wonder if the opposite is true. If a mother walks out so the father is left with a young baby or kids on his own, would that child or those kids be considered at risk so the father had to "prove" his competence to social services, as it were? Or would there be an assumption that the father would just get on with it, like there would be for a mother, and social services wouldn't be interested?

When men hurt women or children, the general viewpoint is that "the woman chose wrong / she picked him" etc.

When women (rarely) hurt women or children, the general viewpoint is "see, it isn't just men, women are dangerous too".

But it's like that with literally everything across all areas of life.

Daddy Issues - woman has been let down by the men in her life since childhood
Sugar Daddy - woman just wants the money from an older more powerful man who is essentially financially manipulating a vulnerable younger woman to have sex with him.

Single mum - doing everything yet gets trashed. Single dad does every other weekend for one afternoon and is "trying his best/at least he is there".

It's interesting that in the Sara Sharif case the stepmother was seen as a positive and "protective" factor and therefore a reason why the father should be granted primary care. In one news report, it appears that the family court judge essentially told the mother something like "you should be grateful to her, she's doing your job for you". Besides the obvious point - the presence of a female to do the parenting work shouldn't be relied upon to turn an inadequate father into an adequate one or an unsafe father into a safe one - if true, it's an interesting insight into the gendered view that family courts have of parenting responsibilities.

I have worked in child safeguarding (school, I'm not a social worker) for some time. I still have to make a deliberate and conscious effort to stop my unconscious bias led by the patriarchal society.

I will still have to correct myself when I say things like "have we contacted Mum about this.... parent.. have we spoken to a parent about this?"

I disagree that non-resident parents in child death cases are treated differently by sex though. I don't think that's the case.

I have thought in a few of these cases, how did the father not notice. If their children are being physically injured a lot, they are either not seeing them, or seeing and not noticing. To be fair, I am also aware in some cases, multiple family members did report concerns and still nothing was done.

@SprigatitoYouAndIKnow . This is what I don't understand? How is it that the fathers often don't seem to notice what is going on? Why don't they swoop in and rescue their kids? Anyone with PR can remove a child, I believe, the matter then goes to court to decide where the child should live if the other parent makes an application.

Well if men have 5050 care then they should be equally responsible bit how many mothers would agree with this?

So if mothers say fathers don't want it then maybe they should be forced too so they are equally responsible

And this is not acceptable then what is the solution?

Yes. In the context of normal family issues and responsibilities (i.e. not poor Sara Sharif) the reason for that IMHO is that men appear to be fucking shit at thinking about their children's everyday needs. I work full time and don't feel I can leave my SAHH to buy plan and cook adequate food for the kids. He happily leaves dinner until 8pm because there's some sort of DIY job that needed doing (i.e. something he wanted to do). He has a "to do" whiteboard of stuff that's actually quite urgent and it just sits there. But he can always wave some job or another at me that he's done much more perfectly than I would. YES BECAUSE YOU DID ONE JOB, WHILE IVE DONE 20!!! GOLD FUCKING STAR!!!

Honestly if walked out, I would want someone to check on my children's welfare. My DH would fall apart and just sit there doing something irrelevant like cleaning the windows and probably make the kids cook for themselves because he's "so busy with jobs". I think the fact this whole thread is giving me the rage about my DHs bizarre priorities is maybe something I should reflect on.

this case from last week has had barely any coverage

www.cps.gov.uk/north-east/news/darlington-man-convicted-murdering-partners-infant-son

in my experience working in child protection and having a close family
member going through Family Court as part of ongoing awful post separation abuse by her ex, the bar is very low for fathers. keeping them alive is about as far as it goes and anything above that is deemed worthy of praise.

I'm a father who had social services involvement in my family due to my ex's alcoholism. The social worker told me candidly that if the situation had been reversed and I'd had been the one with the alcohol problem I'd not have been given half the support and leeway that my ex got.

That's the other side of this sexism, isn't it? Your ex as the supposedly "natural" primary carer was probably given many more chances than a father would have been in these circumstances because as the mother she is seen as the important parent and fathers are viewed as dispensable and unimportant ("If he's got an alcohol issue, it doesn't matter, chuck him out and the mother will still be around to care for the kids, she's probably doing it all anyway"). Fathers are simultaneously minimised and also let off the hook too easily and it's not good for children. Mothers are not automatically the best parents but it seems to be assumed that they'll almost always be the ones doing the heavy lifting.

SW have more control of getting something from the mum mostly. The abusive/ addict/ whatever dads are not held accountable in the same sense.

The dads/ partners are usually not around when sw come round and don't care enough change.

The women in these situations are vulnerable and emotionally conflicted so SW pressure them rather than removing the abuser from the situation

@Switcher hope your situation gets better. Sounds like nearly everything is on you.

I do not like to think what would happen to my children if I walked out. It's not that their dad is an awful parent, but he tends towards doing the minimum and just pleasing himself the rest of the time. His meals are always the basic ones - frozen pizza, plain pasta with a bit of grated cheese on it, chicken nuggets and oven chips. His argument is "You made a roast yesterday and you're making risotto tonight so they don't need a lot" 🙄. And then he's like "Oh we just had a TV afternoon while you were out, the kids wanted a rest". He asked me the other day at what age he could leave the older one (7) at home alone while he went to the gym, and was genuinely disappointed when I said not for a few years yet 😡.

Many people looking at this would say the kids are fine, their basic needs are met, I'm being fussy - but I'd like my children to have more than this in their childhood. Not to eat beige food all the time, to get sufficient fresh air and exercise, to do a range of activities.

I know that not all fathers are like this, and also many would argue that women set too high standards, but honestly a lot do seem to be unable or unwilling to do more than the very basics and get cross when this is expected of them.

@SnappyCroc yep nailed it. It feels like he's got plenty of time to make an effort with stuff he thinks is important, but strangely there is "no time" for things I think are important for the kids. Like not binge food, helping with school stuff, reading, crafts, gifts for his nieces and nephews, signing up for clubs and activities....