How best to support a friend with cancer?

[Igdjwfh]

A close friend has just been diagnosed with cancer. They hope the prognosis is good but even so she'll have to have a major op and recovery. I would like to be as good a friend as possible. If you have gone through something similar, what has been most helpful to you from a friend?

Help with the ironing /shopping. Friends having time to talk to you.

Just being there for her.

Just check in and see if she needs anything. Does she have children? If so, what really helped for me was to know that the kids were covered for drop off and pick up and after school activities so I can attend appointments and not worry about them.

I like to chat to my friends about something other than cancer, a bit of 'normal' chat and laughter is the best. Practical help is good, but if someone says 'is there anything I can do', my mind goes blank.

thank you for the suggestions. she does have kids so will see if there is anything i can do around that. the balance between talking about it and letting her also live a 'normal' life is something i've been thinking about as well.

Don't get tired of it. My treatment lasted over a year and people clearly got bored of it!

Offer practical help. I would have loved someone offering to mow the lawn etc.

There's a thread on here about what not to say to someone with cancer. I'll see if I can find it.

Cancer corkers - the crap things people say www.mumsnet.com/Talk/cancer/5136070-cancer-corkers-the-crap-things-people-say

Just ask how they are doing, regularly. And make yourself available for practical things like having their dc if they are stuck getting to/from an appointment.

I have cancer. Actually, just had my 3rd surgery in 4 months yesterday. It would annoy me to no end if someone tried to do my shopping or ironing or help around the house.

What has made a difference is people being there and willingly saying yes when I needed them to collect my dc from school or take them for a few hours because Dh needed to drive me to the hospital and back. Another friend dropped off plates of brownies and biscuits when I got out of hospital, which was lovely.

Day to day, it’s simply that people ask how I’m doing. Not in a breezy, how’s it going sort of way, but genuinely ask about my surgery or my recovery or my treatment. It can be hard to talk about cancer because you feel like a big f-ing downer. So I often feel like I can’t talk about it because no one wants to be that person who brings the mood down! I like when people ask directly because it gives me a chance to actually talk about it and not feel like I’m imposing.

I appreciated it when a friend who always asked what day my next treatment was, remembered and just sent short hope-today's-ok message and then an are-you-ok one afterwards. I didn't always want to actually chat but something I could respond to with an emoji or 2 was perfect. Again, I appreciated mssges saying someone had nothing on next Mon/Tues/Wed if I needed a lift to hospital - it helped enormously just to feel thought-about without it being a virtue signalling public offer! (Have I got that term right?). Anyway, I hope things go well for you, good luck x

Tell them you want to support them and ask how you might best do that.
We took single friend to some appointments, they came to stay with us post surgery for a week.or so, we looked after the dog, mowed the lawn, bits of washing ... just anything that was needed.

Sitting with and providing company when too worn out to go out
Treat food’s delivered like pizza
Words of comfort reassurance encouragement
Cancer can be very expensive in a number of ways, help with any extra costs
Cards and letters if unable to visit

Thank you for all the advice and words of wisdom....really thoughtful

Follow her lead. If she wants to talk about it, listen. But then she may prefer to carry on as (pre-cancer diagnosis) normal, and just chat about Strictly, etc.

Thank you...it is such a delicate thing to navigate. Dont want her to be just seen as a cancer patient but talking about it all the time, equally dont want her to feel like everyone has forgotten and moved on.

Sorry to hear about your friend. I received my diagnosis a few months back and am having treatment. I've found the following from friends really helpful:

Checking in with a message to ask how I am, how is treatment going, letting me they are thinking of me, but knowing I can respond later if I'm too tired to chat now
Letting me know they've available to give me lifts to appointments and asking about my dates so they can be available if I need them.
Asking how I am, but still talking about normal stuff and being able to have a laugh and try to forget about what is happening for a bit
Asking if I need anything from the shops when they're coming to visit - or if they're close by and can drop in something if I need it.
Popping in to see me and keep me company - particularly at the beginning when I was still processing the news.

As your friend has kids, then maybe offering to be available to take them places, collect them or look after them for a few hours would be helpful.

My friends have been brilliant in helping me to feel supported - that I'm not alone and there are people around me who will help if and when I need it. It's made such a huge difference to me to know that I have that support.

Watching w interest as I had a friend who insisted we all carried on as normal and then several people in her circle started doing fun runs and charity cycles to France in her name and she was pissed off that I didn't. The other friends seemed to be making it all about them, I had thought.

Based on the experiences of friends who’ve had cancer, don’t assume it’s ‘over’ when the treatment is over. I know this is a long way off but it seemed worth mentioning. One friend was very upset by messages about how she must be celebrating, now she could get on with her life and put it all behind her when in reality she was traumatised by her experiences and the treatment has left her with some permanent after effects.

I am in a similar situation with a friend. I've told her I'm on call for driving her DC around etc, including at last minute when plans go awry and she can't drive due to the surgery.

I know she won't want me coming into her house to cook or clean but I am planning to do a bit of baking and drop it round or possibly a meal at some point and I'll probably txt her now and again to ask if she wants me to walk her dog when I'm walking mine - I'm sure her DH will do loads of the dog walking, but that will help too and I have a key so I can let myself in, collect dog and drop dog back without her being disturbed at all if necessary.

I've diarised her next appointments so I can check in with her and she can respond if/when she's up for it.

We're already discussing what movies we want to see in the time after her surgery as we know she won't be up for big nights out or whatever, but I want her to know that if she just wants to stagger down to the cinema, and feels up for it, I'm there for that but no pressure if not (I suspecct she will - the hardest thing for her is going to be being cooped up at home while recovering because she's someone who likes to be out and about - so an opportunity to get out for a 10am movie at some point will probably be welcome).