Anyone else pining for someone?

[DecemberYearning]

It’s a romantic yearning made all the worse at this time of year. Anyone feel similar? Do you want to share your yearning here?

Mine is for an old flame. I know it’s not healthy to have regrets in life but there’s something about this time of year which turns my thoughts to lost and past love, and what if? Have been feeling sad and nostalgic. I know it’s not healthy will pass and I know I need to keep busy and live in the moment.

YABU

Am I? Why?

I think we get seduced by all the Christmas adverts which show a lot of couples and families and think that's what's missing in our lives - you don't exactly see Christmas adverts with single parents or single people generally and then we imagine what our lives might be like if we had those people in it

Sounds romanticised and self indulgent. Enjoy your fantasy, but don't expect others to share theirs!

Agree with PP. This is not a healthy question to be asking people to ponder on and share.

This isn't AIBU.

I know what you mean OP. I've felt it in the past for an old flame too. We've actually had some (completely platonic) contact this year which has been nice.

We're humans - complicated and emotional. Nothing wrong with indulging in a little gaze back to the past.

Like you say, the feelings will pass. Isn't acknowledging them what the kids call "holding space" nowadays?! Hold space for your feelings then let them go.

Have a happy Christmas OP 😊

Thank you @SingingSands I felt foolish after the first few responses but do agree that as a PP said, the happy smiling ads probably add to a feeling of what if! The music doesn’t help either.

I also know that it’s quite self indulgent to feel this way and probably not healthy either but if posters held back on sharing self indulgent or unhealthy feelings then MN probably wouldn’t exist 🤣 I am not letting this yearning interfere with work or daily life, just wanted an anonymous space to offload.

What’s stopping you from reaching out to this old flame? Are you in a relationship, are they? Why didn’t your relationship work out to begin with, and is that something that still holds true today?

Are you pining because you imagine them to be better than they were and are idealising the memories?

I don’t think it’s super healthy to pine, make a list of why it didn’t work out … there must have been one or multiple reasons….. then rip it up, pop it in the bin and move on.

These are good questions, thank you.
We were a couple about 28 years ago so a long time!
He left me for someone else. I was gutted, very hurt, couldn’t believe it.
He’s in a very longterm marriage now, not with woman he left me for. Children in early 20s like me.
I’m single and have been for some time.
We have occasional email or text contact, just checking in with each other.
Last time he mentioned that they have marital issues but didn’t go into detail and I couldn’t work out if he hoped it could be fixed or if one of them wants out. I think I am projecting what I want to see, I am lonely and I want him to want me.
It’s nuts really isn’t it?

I mean it’s not nuts, but it is unhealthy.

This maintaining occasional contact has kept the emotional connection going to an extent which is the problem. He’s then using that to offload that he’s having these marital issues and using you to bolster his ego.

He left you for someone else, he had his chance with you and blew it … don’t go back there.

If I were you I’d cut the “checking in” it’s just messy and won’t be helpful.

Just someone I can never tell how I feel. Nothing more than a crush really but sometimes I wish it was different.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts @Collette78 not certain what you mean with ego boost but I am going to shake myself out of this funk today and get busy with a long dog walk and collect DS from uni. Keep my thoughts in the present moment!!

Sounds like a good plan for the day hope it takes your mind off it!

By ego boost I meant that this reaching out to you is providing him with attention, he’s undermining his relationship doing that and also it’s not fair on you if you do still have some feelings for him.

People who play games like that are generally not ones you need in your life !

Not for anyone in particular, but a yearning for an ideal love, which of course doesn’t exist. I am the best person to give myself this type of love. It lightens the load.