DD is 13 with special needs; she’s a lovely, funny, witty, intelligent child but her anxiety is destroying us both, and taking our relationship with it.
I don’t know how much more I can take; I’ve never suffered with mental health problems but I’m starting to have mild panic attacks (chest getting tight, feeling like I’m going to explode with anger). I can be fine one moment and the issue will come up and it makes me want to explode. I’m being deliberately vague as it’s a very specific issue.
I’m currently hiding in my room whilst she is in hers shouting and screaming because she needs me to complete her “rituals” with her (her specific routine, completed to an impossibly high standard). I’ve already done it with her, except I haven’t done it well enough so she’s now having a meltdown. I need to go back and do it until she’s happy with the standard.
I asked her for 15 minutes break to get my head together, because I find the whole thing exhausting and draining, but that’s not ok, because she wants it done NOW! Otherwise I’ve ruined her whole evening.
But when I say I’m ready to do it, she then messes about preparing for the ritual and just expects me to wait around until she’s ready for me to do it. It always has to be done on her time and her terms. I’ve started revolting and saying no, I will do it when I’m ready to, because it takes so much of my emotional energy, but she doesn’t let up so I end up giving in.
Not doing it is not an option, it causes severe emotional distress. She’s getting help but it’s not working. She was medicated for the anxiety but it made her so poorly, she had to stop it. I asked for more support from mental health services and was added to a six year waiting list.
I can’t take much more. We have to go through this 4 times or more, every single day. Sometimes it can take 10 minutes, other times it can take 90 minutes. It can only be me who does it. It costs a small fortune to help with the issue, it’s time consuming and all consuming for us both. She complains if I haven’t done it right. Every . Single . Time. She measures and compares to make sure it’s exactly how she wants things. It must be torture for her, but it’s also seriously affecting me.
It’s been like this for many years but something is changing inside me and not for the better. She says I’m always in a mood , which is true because I’m exhausted. I can’t fucking take it anymore! I’m physically poorly myself and even if I’m in so much pain that I can’t get out of bed, I HAVE to do this . Repeatedly. Until she’s happy. We both get annoyed and upset and then we both feel like total shit afterwards. She doesn’t understand how much it’s affecting me and when I tell her, she feels worse. I can’t help it though, I don’t have the same empathy I had when this started 5 years ago.
I have two other children with special needs, one of which also has high care needs. DH is great, but it has to be me.
Nobody can do anything, I just needed a space to vent. My child thinks I hate her. I hate myself for the way I feel but I am like a slave to her needs. I wish I could take it away from her.
Whilst typing this, I’ve had to go back and do it again. It’s still not right so now she wants me to do the whole thing for a third time. She says I’m not doing it right because I’m in a mood. Yet the actual problem is because she can see something so minute that it’s not perfect. I admit I have minimal patience these days.
Another break in typing and I’ve had to go and do it a 4th time. She’s still not happy and it’s my fault because I’m “in a mood” and when I’m in a mood, I get cross and don’t do it right .
I’ve lost my temper and I feel awful but I’m losing all empathy after years of the same thing.
I’m sorry for the long post. I just needed to write it down. Thanks for listening.