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Original poster

Dealing with flaky friends

12 replies

citygirl1961 · 10/12/2024 19:18

Hi. I have got a wide circle of friends which I love but two of them are flaky and I don't know how deal with this.

Friend one - I have known for her almost thirty years. She's always been on the awkward side, she is the type of person who is old before her time, she wants everything to be perfect and things have to be worked around her.

Her husband died two years ago and I was very supportive towards her but since then she's been quite distant with me and is making a fuss of a friend who hardly contacted her before but has been on the scene since her husband died and now she's joined at the hip with her and keeps going on about wonderful and supportive she is, not acknowledging the support I have given her. Of course I am not jealous, I have other friends myself but I don't push her aside because of it. Also her awkwardness hasn't just occurred since she lost her husband, if so I would make allowances for that, but she has always been the same. For instance, with me she won't stay out past 4,00 pm, saying she won't be out in the dark but with her other friend she goes out in the evenings in the dark. She can also make some cutting remarks, in a meek and mild way but they are still there. I feel she is always have digs at me. I could give more examples but it would be a long post.

Friend two - I have been friends with her for about seven years. We have always had a laugh together and her sense of humour bonded me to her, though she has an annoying side to her in the way that she is snappy and she will cancel plans at the last minute without an explanation.

She met some friends on holiday last year who live in another city. Since then she's been all for them. She travels too see them on a regular basis and vice versa. She went away with me for a weekend last year and the whole time we were there she was texting them and telling me how wonderful they are, whilst being snappy with me for no reason. She used to be in contact with me a lot and now she hardly replies to my messages. She also said she would go away with me at the beginning of this year and then put it off to go away with one of her other friends instead.

I hate to lose friendships but is it worth hanging on to these two? I don't know what to do. I used to be passive and put up with anything but I don't now. However, I don't want to go the other way and push them away altogether.

OP posts:
CFOfTheHighestOrder · 10/12/2024 19:22

‘Is it worth hanging on to these two?’ Absolutely not. Bin them off OP!

RubyRedBow · 10/12/2024 19:23

Leave them to it.

Livinginadream · 10/12/2024 19:25

I dont think you need to "hang on" to them. I think you could address the things you've mentioned like ask why friend two cancelled and maybe say how it made you feel. Or you could really check in with yourself whenever either of them make arrangements with you to see if you truly would like to have their company, bearing in mind what they are like rather than an idealised version of them. Only meet with them if you really want to with what they are actually offering you.

You might just be having a phase of distancing from them for a bit and they might drift back in.

What's the rest of your social life like? And the rest of your personal life?

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 10/12/2024 19:39

Livinginadream · 10/12/2024 19:25

I dont think you need to "hang on" to them. I think you could address the things you've mentioned like ask why friend two cancelled and maybe say how it made you feel. Or you could really check in with yourself whenever either of them make arrangements with you to see if you truly would like to have their company, bearing in mind what they are like rather than an idealised version of them. Only meet with them if you really want to with what they are actually offering you.

You might just be having a phase of distancing from them for a bit and they might drift back in.

What's the rest of your social life like? And the rest of your personal life?

I do feel I am treading on eggshells with these two, even though I like their company in other ways, but I am always on the look out for a dig or a sarcastic remark.

I do have other friends who are not like this, both male and female. I am divorced and live on my own now, I work full time and am independent and like living alone. I do like to socialise. I am due to retire in four years time which I dread the thought of as I fear boredom and freinds not being around as much.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 10/12/2024 20:07

Former friends I'd hope.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/12/2024 20:15

I don't know, it strikes me you have been friends with these people for a long time and only started to find their preexisting shortcomings a dealbreaker when they made other friends and seem to like those friends more than they like you. Is it possible you could be overreacting due to feelings of hurt and rejection?

So I wouldn't fall out with them, just keep your focus on other friendships and let those ones go on the back burner and see how things evolve. I think you are right to be wary of cutting off old friends. People on Mumsnet are always advocating this and saying "I dumped all my friends when I stopped being a people pleaser and set healthy boundaries. I have no friends at all now and I've never been happier" which may be true but it isn't for everyone.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 10/12/2024 22:30

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/12/2024 20:15

I don't know, it strikes me you have been friends with these people for a long time and only started to find their preexisting shortcomings a dealbreaker when they made other friends and seem to like those friends more than they like you. Is it possible you could be overreacting due to feelings of hurt and rejection?

So I wouldn't fall out with them, just keep your focus on other friendships and let those ones go on the back burner and see how things evolve. I think you are right to be wary of cutting off old friends. People on Mumsnet are always advocating this and saying "I dumped all my friends when I stopped being a people pleaser and set healthy boundaries. I have no friends at all now and I've never been happier" which may be true but it isn't for everyone.

I don't think I'm over reacting as their behaviour isn't right and my other friends don't make me feel like this.

I agree that I don't want to bin their friendship completely but I don't feel I should make the first move all the time now, let them contact me and see how it goes. I've been feeling as I've been the one to instigate contact and meetings recently which makes me question if they really want my friendship.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/12/2024 22:52

Yes, I think leaving the ball in their court is fair enough. I wouldn't actively push them away, but definitely favour your less problematic friends instead.

theduchessofspork · 10/12/2024 22:55

They sound unpleasant rather than flaky. Just get rid of them

Sparklybutold · 10/12/2024 22:58

Both friendships have run their course. Leave quietly.

OnlySlightly · 10/12/2024 23:22

OP, I think I remember some of your other posts (the friend who was widowed and won’t stay out past 4 pm rang a bell). Respectfully, you post a lot about friends who are ‘flaky’ or ungrateful, or want things their own way, or friendships involving endlessly problematic arrangements for meeting. I mean, maybe you’re just surrounded by difficult people, but you did choose these difficult people as friends — it just strikes me that you’re the common denominator in all of these, and you seem to find a lot to complain about in these friendships.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 11/12/2024 17:58

OnlySlightly · 10/12/2024 23:22

OP, I think I remember some of your other posts (the friend who was widowed and won’t stay out past 4 pm rang a bell). Respectfully, you post a lot about friends who are ‘flaky’ or ungrateful, or want things their own way, or friendships involving endlessly problematic arrangements for meeting. I mean, maybe you’re just surrounded by difficult people, but you did choose these difficult people as friends — it just strikes me that you’re the common denominator in all of these, and you seem to find a lot to complain about in these friendships.

I don't think this is very fair. How would you feel if you had supported friends over the years and they just suddenly pushed you aside as if you don't matter?

I am not 'finding a lot to complain about' as you put it. I have other friends whom I don't complain about because they don't behave like this.

Are you the Forum police who vets everyones posts and then makes critical comments?

OP posts:
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