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Original poster

Son’s school is doing my head in

29 replies

MoSalahsBeard · 10/12/2024 16:46

Please tell me if I’m being by unreasonable here.
school have started emailing parents if their child is even 30 seconds late to class. My son is a good kid but was late a few times last week. He got marked with ‘negative points’ because of this. I chatted to the head of year on the phone about why he was late etc, concerned that he had been twatting about and not getting to class on time. She brushed it off and said oh no his lateness is actually on the low side, think nothing of it. So we relaxed about that.

fast forward to this morning. Ds goes to the loo to text me and say that he’s been given a card that each of his teachers need to sign as to whether he is late or not and if he’s even 30 seconds late he gets a detention. I’m confused cos of what the head of year said last week so I emailed her to enquire. She forwarded my email on to the deputy head who replied to me that they are trying to steer ds to be on time, and that because he had texted me during school time they had taken his phone away.

please be gentle in your replies. My mh is awful at the moment. Struggling to cope.

OP posts:

Scutterbug · 10/12/2024 16:51

I think I would just support them in this. He shouldn’t really be late if others are managing to get there on time.

mikado1 · 10/12/2024 16:52

I'm not a bit surprised they've taken his phone, I assume he'll get it back at the end of the day. It seems OTT but they obviously want to nip it in the bud, repeated lateness, even if only seconds, is disruptive for everyone including your ds. Is there a reason why he's not getting to class on time, something he can be supported with? Or is he like me chatting or otherwise dallying before running in?

Mylifeisamesssuchamess · 10/12/2024 16:54

He needs to get to class on time and needs to not use his phone in school. Then they wouldn't need to contact you about it. Only your son can solve this so talk to him about it.

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DarkAndTwisties · 10/12/2024 16:55

I don't think they're wrong to take the phone, I assume that's part of their school rules? And I don't think they're wrong to say any more lateness and he gets a detention.

I do think it's odd that the head said nothing to worry about & think nothing of it, if they were then going to say he'd get a detention for one more occurrence. Why not tell you this to get you on board and talking to him at home about his lateness?

But basically, I don't think they're being unreasonable.

GrumpyCactus · 10/12/2024 16:56

Taking his phone away seems sensible if he's messaging you during school time and I think it's pretty standard to want to encourage him to be on time to class. It may only be 30ish seconds (probably often even later as 30 seconds is unlikely to be noticed) but if everyone else can be there on time there's no reason he can't too.

Original poster

MoSalahsBeard · 10/12/2024 17:08

Yes I agree I’m just confused by the conversation last week and now this.

im also stressed because his general attitude sucks and he doesn’t care about doing well in school. I’m so frustrated.

OP posts:

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/12/2024 17:11

They have to draw the line somewhere

my DS was constantly until they brought in detentions. He’s never been late since.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 10/12/2024 17:11

Sounds like two separate factions in that school to me. At least someone cares enough that they think he is worth the effort of doing a report card. Being on report is tough for the student and also for the staff signing it off.
Tell your son its notoriously hard to do a whole week on report. I was head of year for 8 years and probably saw less than 10 completed properly for a whole week. It's soul destroying when you get a bad grade or comment even if you deserve it.
But yes he can't use his phone in school the reason being that bad things are arranged on them like nasty people from outside coming down to attack kids who have " done something " out of order usually to said nasty persons little brother or sister.

SometimesCalmPerson · 10/12/2024 17:12

It’s fair, support the school with this. If you’re struggling with mental health, my guess is that whoever you spoke to last week picked up on your stress and was trying to make sure you didn’t worry excessively. It doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t deal with the lateness in their standard way.

Tiswa · 10/12/2024 17:14

Why is he late? Is it a general I can’t be bothered it doesn’t matter on which case yes this seems then best approach. I suspect since the time you have spoken to the head of year he is consistently late for class
or is it poor time management or not knowing exactly where to go in which case a different approach is needed

and phone being removed is standard

colesr · 10/12/2024 17:16

please be gentle in your replies. My mh is awful at the moment. Struggling to cope.
I don't think you have anything to 'cope' with tbh. It doesn't matter if he is 30 seconds, a minute or whatever late, he is late. Address that with him and work it out, don't blame the school.

BillieJ · 10/12/2024 17:22

It does seem as if it's your son's behaviour rather than school that's doing your head in. I'm guessing HoY said not to worry last week because son had been spoken to and stopped being late for a day or too. Now, he's sliding back on punctuality and using his phone in school - that's on him, not the school.

I suspect that he does care, but he doesn't want to be in trouble at school and then again at home, so he's hoping you'll take his side. Not sure how old he is, but you say this is recent, so I would support the school all the way.

SeanMean · 10/12/2024 17:38

Stop blaming the school and work with your son.

desperatedaysareover · 10/12/2024 17:39

God, kids are hard work. Mine has a relaxed attitude toward time and I am sick of it.

Better nipped in the bud early, so as PPs have said it’s good that they’ve actually arsed themselves to do something official about this. His attitude won’t improve by him feeling like you agree with him that rules apply to others but not him (not saying you’re doing that to his face) and what harm will it do him to learn he also needs to get there when he’s expected to? As the year head on here said it’s best he doesn’t use his phone, phones are mainly used to cause problems and it’s another example of where there needs to be one rule for all. It might also help your MH to not be getting fed back stories/grievances from your son during school time? Cos what can you actually do? He would be better to learn school is in charge while he’s there.

The school are supporting your parenting, try and see it as help and present a united front even if you don’t overly like their handling. Save your complaining credits for when you really need to use them.

HPandthelastwish · 10/12/2024 17:41

Well his lateness may be on the low side but that doesn't mean he won't be put on report, both things can be true at once and will be a whole school decision if it's a new process and nothing much to do with the head of year.

Theyll have chosen a percentage that is the cut off and put everyone below that percentage on report to nip it in the bud.

CandyCane457 · 10/12/2024 17:44

MoSalahsBeard · 10/12/2024 17:08

Yes I agree I’m just confused by the conversation last week and now this.

im also stressed because his general attitude sucks and he doesn’t care about doing well in school. I’m so frustrated.

Your thread title is about your sons school doing your head in, but I think that’s a little harsh on the school.

It sounds like your son is the problem. Repeatedly being late (even if it’s only 30 seconds, why is he constantly late?) and the fact he “doesn’t care and his attitude sucks”.

BodyKeepingScore · 10/12/2024 17:45

He's on a behaviour management plan effectively to help him manage his time keeping. This is appropriate and the school are doing nothing wrong. It would be in your son's interest to work with the school on this. Hopefully he pays more attention to getting to class on time as a result which will stand him in good stead for future employment

EvelynBeatrice · 10/12/2024 17:51

It’s a bit old school but …, my youngest brother developed a bit of an attitude on starting secondary school. My father sat him down and said what you do us up to you but I’m disappointed you’re being stupid. He went on to ask where bro was planning to live and how he’d get food at 16 - because he had no intention of working his butt off to support a lazy workshy fool. He could start working hard and making himself employable after school and he’d be supported to and beyond university- but otherwise no. Made sense to all of us kids - still think he meant it!

Brother was bright, grew up a bit and took a first at uni in engineering.

EvelynBeatrice · 10/12/2024 17:52

There’s no guarantee of a continuing welfare state - maybe we should be motivating our older kids more in the same way as some immigrant families do - you don’t work - you don’t eat!

Getonwitit · 10/12/2024 17:53

Sorry but late is late. Why is it ok for your son to disrupt a class because of his tardiness?

CerryMistmas · 10/12/2024 18:00

Having just left a school where multiple students were 30seconds-5minutes late in EVERY lesson, I can tell you that is the biggest pain in my arse.

There is a bell. The bell rings for a reason, to signal the start of a lesson. He should be lined up at the door before the bell. Most schools even have a warning bell.

Of course they will put him on report, especially if a lot of kids are like this. They are probably having a school wide crack down. And no, he shouldn't be using his phone to text you. There is no reason to.

Tell him to get his act together and be on time because you are sick of receiving complaints from school. Explain that when he is 30 seconds late, along with other kids, it interrupts the start of the lesson and makes behaviour management a nightmare.

BlueSilverCats · 10/12/2024 18:01

I assume the mixed messages are because last week, he was on the low side, they gave consequences, talked to the parent and they hoped that would work. It obviously didn't, so now this escalated according to their behaviour policies

cansu · 10/12/2024 18:02

He needs to get to lessons on time. He has been warned. He needs to follow the rules. He should not be texting you from the loo moaning about being told he needs to be on time.

CerryMistmas · 10/12/2024 18:03

Also - re the conversation difference - perhaps the Head of year is overly relaxed and has been told by leadership to get her act together and put people on report cards. That would explain the sudden change. Or perhaps they've noticed students wandering round after the bell and told everyone to crack down.

housethatbuiltme · 10/12/2024 18:05

How can you be '30 seconds' late?

late is late and you are late if you aren't somewhere BEFORE that time but given at that time everyone enters, sits, gets out their stuff and hangs coats/bags etc... (in the confusion you can easily slip in) then noticeably late is after they have settled and started so '30 seconds' after that is actually more like closer to 10 minute late.

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