How to stop being a doormat

[Flippingflamingo]

I have been really upset lately about being let down by friends, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s possibly more my unrealistic expectations.

I have decided that in life there are givers and takers. I am 100% a giver and for my very few close friends I would do absolutely anything for them. I would inconvenience myself a million times over to be there to support them.

I am dealing with something very difficult at the minute and have discovered that the friends I expected to support me will only do so when convenient to them. I was really upset at first, but I think I need to accept that actually, some people are takers.

Any tips to stop my being such a doormat all the time? I always want to help people, but I’m finding it difficult when the help doesn’t come back the other way with the same gusto.

'I was really upset at first, but I think I need to accept that actually, some people are takers.'

That is such a hard lesson to learn, but it's a true one and an important one.

I would get curious about where and how you learned the lesson that you are only valuable if you are giving and doing stuff for people.

I am naturally a giver too but I have learned the hard way, and I now put myself at the top of my own priority list rather than the bottom. I've learned how to say no thank you - the guilt is there but it's manageable. I try to tune into that feeling of 'should' and challenge it by asking myself what I actually WANT to do. I remind myself that I don't have to do what other people expect of me, and that people spend way less time thinking about me than I used to imagine!

Learning to trust your own judgement and to stand up for yourself is an ENORMOUS boost to your self esteem and sense of self, and it's well worth doing. It gets easier with practice. Full disclosure - I was in therapy for many years and that helped me to build the foundation to grow all of these new skills

Clearly asking for, and articulating that you need support, is important- rather than just having unspoken expectations of people. When you ask, people can say yes or no according to their current circumstances.

I can think of a relative who is a complete doormat, who doesn't have clear boundaries, who endlessly martyrs themself, and who acts passive aggressively to get what they want, including guilt tripping people. It drives people away and they end up stewing in resentment - it's not pretty. Not saying you are like this OP, but just because you recognise you are a bit of a doormat, doesn't mean others should be one too.
Clearly articulate what you need now and put more boundaries in place to protect your own energies so that you aren't 100% giving all the time.

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m not a doormat anymore but still deal with some push-back for not happily going along with what others want.

I took inspiration from memories or instances of other women managing to do it. I pick up useful phrases on here.

You must have a woman in your life that never get messed around. The sentences they use to decline things, the attitude they would have if anyone threw an adult tantrum, the self-confidence to not falter if a few people might think they’re a bitch.. you can adopt those and try them out.

The only being valued if doing something useful is so true for me. I’m not sure where it stems from, but it’s definitely true.

I found my gumption by thinking of someone I knew who was nice but firm about saying no and saying yes to things…lets call them Mary. Whenever I was asked to do something that made me a bit uncomfortable I would think ‘what would Mary do’ before I answered the asker. I even got to the stage of putting a WWMD sign on my notice board at work and at home.

For me the key is to not be rushed into a ‘yes’ without thinking about it first, and I think takers are really good at rushing people.

If your friend or your daughter was like this, what would you say to them? Write it down. And then say that to yourself.

Behaviour meets need. So your behaviour is meeting a need for you currently. For me it was something along the lines of…if I do oodles for everyone then surely someone will do a little for me. Look up the drama triangle. Being a people pleaser isn’t considered quite as altruistic as people think it is. You’ll be unlikely to change those habits without understanding what it gives you and why you’ve always behaved that way. You can then make a choice to give up what it gives you and change.

I hope you are doing ok with your difficult situation

I used to be like this, until I learned the word "no". In childhood, the word "no" sometimes comes with a huge stigma, and you're trained to use it sparingly. Learn that "no" is a powerful word, which you can use to your advantage.

When making a decision, saying "this time, I am putting myself first".

Practising saying "no", to small requests, such as "do you want to buy this?", or even perfectly innocuous or reasonable requests. "Would you mind doing this for me?" "No."

And yes, to use that MN cliche, "no" is a complete sentence.

Have boundaries, and delaying phrases, such as:
"I never make a decision on the spot; I always think about it first."
"I never sign up to anything on my doorstep."
"I will not be rushed into a decision."
"I must check my diary before I decide anything."
"I need to think it through."

Learn about the techniques used in high-pressure sales, so you can see when people try to use them on you. For example, adverts which say "HURRY! LIMITED STOCK! OFFER ENDS TONIGHT!" It is making you think that something is scarce, so you want to grab it. Then notice when people use a similar method, by saying (extreme example) "I need you decide if you're coming to my £300-a-head hen party within the hour; I want to get everything booked".

Thank you. I am actually quite good at saying no and holding boundaries at work. I just find with friends, especially one of my best friends, I am a real doormat. What hurts now is that I’ve realised she knows it, and takes advantage.