Looking after relative

[Podgedodge]

My DMIL atm lives with relative in England. I am in Scotland. Relative has had some devastating health news which means will not be able to look after MIL much longer. My DH died a few years ago, no other close relatives at all, never mind nearby. Just do not know how to begin to go about practicalities f situation where do I even start? Anyone have any clues where I should start? I’m assuming her care will be down to me (she is 87) which is fine, but struggling with how to begin planning.

how mobile is she? do you have somewhere she can have a bedroom downstairs. Do you have a downstairs toilet/ bathroom? if not you may need a stair lift.
can you get in touch with social services/council about getting help, get a care package put in place? i think the first 12 weeks are free, then it's means tested, or it is in my council. they will send Occupational Health round to see what aids are needed, they will send people to put rails/ramps in place.

Sorry to hear about your SIL, you sound lovely to take on the care of your MIL.

It depends on what care she needs and what's already in place locally. How able and independent is she? can you speak to the current carer? how much money does she have - will she be self-funding or will she qualify for council care? etc etc.

She has no current carer, relative was it. I have no idea about income etc, never been my business, relative is younger than me, kind of assumed they would see MIL out, if that doesn’t sound too harsh. I live in a ground floor flat, but so far away from her home. She is not really mobile hasn’t been for years but can manage inside her own home. I work full time in a pretty full on job, but if relative dies I see no alternative but her coming to live with me.
Just have no idea how that process begins

I’m sorry to hear your predicament OP. Can you start by calling social care and asking for a care assessment ? They may be able to answer some questions about relocation for your MIL.

Oh that's really difficult for you all. Will your MIL want to stay close to her relative or will she be okay moving?

Are you able to call her carer to talk about the finances? I'm sure she would be very relieved someone was taking your MIL on.

Thank you, some good suggestions here for starting points.

I think it would be much better for her to go to a care home near to you, rather than live with you, OP. She wouldn't have any company if you were out of the house all day and it would be very restrictive for you. Do you know anywhere suitable? Do you have any friends with parents in a care home?

It's a bit of a leap to think that she'd have to come and live with you OP. Would either of you even want that? I don't think you can assume that she will expect this of you, unless it's been explicitly said. Many people would absolutely hate to burden their FT working, widowed DILs in that way!

So, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself. 1) get her assessed by adult social care to determine what her needs are, 2) if she's compos mentis ask her what her preference would be - home or residential care - and 3) take it from there.

I honestly wouldn't offer to have her living with you unless a) you both want that and b) your home is suitable and you are in position to either care for her or have carers into your home umpteen times a day. Residential care sounds much more suitable as she will be properly cared for 24 hours a day and have company. If you work FT you really aren't in a position to offer yourself up as a carer. And again, would you even want to? Are you and your MIL close?

My mum's a similar age and I think in her position she'd be so relieved to be living near to you and have regular visits, rather than staying down south and not having visits, that she'd agree to a care home without a problem. Is that doable for you? Of course we don't know what your relationship with your MIL is like.

And also we don't know whether she'd want to be away from her previous carer while that person is so ill.

Does anyone have Power of Attorney for MIL. It will be a massive help, otherwise, social services will only discuss MIL needs with her and no-one else unless she gives permission to disclose discussions with others. I’m not saying she wouldn’t but it just makes life easier.

As other have said above, Social Services will only be interested in MIL needs. If you work full time and she needs round the clock care, they may decide a Care Home setting is the better option.

Depending on where she lives, finding a suitable care package that allows her to remain in her own home can be very difficult to find.
Its a difficult situation but I hope a solution is found that brings her comfort and happiness.

Power of Attorney is with current relative carer. I don’t imagine for one second she has imagined coming to live with me but if they are no longer about, I don’t see an alternative. Any other type of care, which I feel might be inevitable, will break her heart. I love her, she loves me we have a great relationship but have never lived together. I just want to do what’s best, or at least have a starting point so current carer knows MIL will be looked after.
I don’t think I’m explaining this very well, I’m sorry.

When/if the time comes, then get in touch with social services, explain the situation but also tell them you have a full on full time job and can't care for her fully. they should put a care package in.place, they will also have your flat assessed for what disability aids she needs.

Any other type of care, which I feel might be inevitable, will break her heart.

You don't know this and you seem to be assuming that all residential care is awful. It's not! If you choose well, residential care can be a far better option than an elderly person with complex needs relying on a busy person with a FT job to try to meet those needs. If she moves in with you she will be alone in your home for hours every day while you work and she will know no one who can pop in and see her for a chat. In residential care she will have three hot meals a day, company and personal care, medical care, daily activities and regular organised outings. You're really jumping the gun by saying that the only option is for her to live with you. It's not and it probably won't be the most appropriate option for her.

I absolutely do not assume residential care is awful, just I know my MIL and I know she would resist going. She is not sociable at all and really only speaks to me, my DC and her relative. They work full time ( shift work) when well, and she already spends long days on her own.
If some sort of home would best serve her needs, that would be fine with me if she is happy there, it just has never been anything she has expressed any positive thoughts about. I also would think near me would be best as she has no friends or relatives left now near her so has no visits etc at all except for me and DCs if we travel down.
She was totally reliant on relative for care, even down to putting eye drops in for her 2ce a day. Since they have been in hospital, I have been sending food deliveries to her, but I worry about her alone in the house all day.
I am hoping to provide positive help in a tricky situation, am mindful about treading on toes and jumping guns, just really trying to work out the best way forward.
I have been given some very useful starting points, so thank you all.

can you get in touch with social services/council about getting help, get a care package put in place? i think the first 12 weeks are free, then it's means tested, or it is in my council. they will send Occupational Health round to see what aids are needed, they will send people to put rails/ramps in place.

This is a good place to start.
I wouldn't leap to moving an elderly person hundreds of miles to share a flat with you, especially when you are out at your job.

Find out what is available local to your MiL and then work from there.
No good any of us saying we know someone who has X or Y if that isn't available near her, or not possible to make changes in the house, etc.

@Podgedodge First of all, please be reassured that you do not need to be responsible for caring for this relative unless you actually want to do it and think you can cope. Social services cannot force you to do it. They might try to persuade you that the person is your responsibility though, but it is not. What should happen first is a care needs assessment by the local team. They will be able to decide what level of care the person needs and how it can be provided. If you aren't able to do it, tell them so right from the beginning.

They tried it on with me when my late uncle needed care after discharge from hospital, and the social worker practically insisted I had to look after him at my home. I pointed out that not only did I work full time, but I also lived miles away in a different council area entirely. I refused point blank to help.

You’ve hit the nail on the head with the issue of moving her. She has lived in her house near enough 60 years, brought her children up there, lived a lifetime there. I suppose what I’m conflicted about is, whatever happens, if her relative can no longer care for her, which looks increasingly likely, she simply cannot stay in that home. It’s not a unique situation I know.
I at least ant to offer the option of sharing my home to see out her days with family…if that is best for her. I don’t know if it is. My gran lived with our family for 20 years, increasingly frail, but with family. Times change, I know.
I think I’m asking different questions than I started with.
Thing is, this is not yet a discussion I can have with her as she is not ready to face the fact of her relatives illness.