Help please with my mental load list!

[MaltipooMama]

So just a quick advanced note that this isn't going to be a moan thread, just genuinely need help as I'm drawing a blank!

I've been on mat leave for the last year, and as such have been taking care of everything household related and child related which I've really enjoyed and been happy with as my partner works 9-5pm and then takes sole care of baby including bedtime routine from 5-7pm. So I take care of house jobs/childcare during his working hours and then prep dinner etc in the evening while he has baby, weekends we split looking after little one.

Now I'm going back to work in January and we are planning to split all the responsibilities I have been solely taking care of and have come up with a decent list (including using some suggestions from Google!) but thinking I must do more than that 😂 to save me typing out everything I've written please can you throw ideas at me for what I might have missed, no matter how big or small I want to make sure I include as much as possible! Thank you 😊

Just a few things we have had to do this week:
Get the carpets and sofa cleaned
Wash the cushion covers
Pick up prescriptions
Take the cat to the vet
Get the windows cleaned
Arrange to have the solar panels and gutters cleaned
Send in the reading for the solar panels for the FIT payment
Get and send/deliver Christmas cards for ancient relatives / neighbours / cleaner / gardener / massage therapist.
Get cash out to put in Christmas cards for cleaner / gardener / massage therapist.
Wrap little presents for cleaner / gardener / massage therapist
Make flapjacks to put in box outside front door for delivery people/ postman
Get the Christmas decorations out
Do the Christmas decorating
Do the Christmas supermarket order - add to it - and this also means....
Do the Christmas meal planning, including what happens if we don't get what we have ordered.....
Make sure we have enough batteries / candles / matches / napkins

These are on top of the usual cooking cleaning eating paying bills working laundry jobs we have to do all the time - and we don't even have children at home!

The Fair Play cards will give you a complete list although if you've googled, you'll have found them already.

Although if you're time poor, it's worth having a really good think about how necessary each job is and how often it needs really needs doing.

For example, unless you really want to (in which case it's a stretch to consider it 'essential mental load') I wouldn't be baking flapjacks to put out for the post man, sending Christmas cards and gifts to most of the people on @DilemmaDelilah's list or having candles and napkins at Christmas.

To make life easier IMO I would:

Set up all bills to be paid by direct debit, if you haven't already
Book the window cleaner for regular cleans, you don't need to be there
Meal plan, online shop
Get a cleaner if you can to do vacuuming, bathrooms and changing sheets
Do washing in the evenings
Have a good calendar for birthdays / events etc

But my main advice is make sure your partner does his share. If you are working as well it's completely fair and non negotiable. Your life will be impossible if he doesn't.

Oh gosh you're much better than me, I don't do any of those little lovely things 🙈 thank you for the vet reminder though, we have a dog so I will add that one on!

Thank you, yes I don't want to add things on that I wouldn't do, just keen to keep it realistic!

Thank you for your suggestions, the calendar is a good one although we each take care of presents equally for each other's family but I think a calendar in general will be useful. Oh yes absolutely I have no concerns about him pulling his weight I'm thankful to say!

Some suggestions:

Clothes admin for your baby: buying clothes, doing the changeover when they move up a size, selling/bagging/donating the old ones, buying special outfits (eg Christmas).

Also the same for shoes: who keeps an eye on whether they still fit, takes child to the shoe shop for measuring, buys wellies/sandals.

Play dates later down the line will take mental time as well as physical. Often this ends up going via the Mum even if you try not to!

Party admin: planning, buying stuff, food. Plus gifts for other children’s birthdays.

Presents for your child; keeping a list of things they need (for relatives who ask etc), buying stuff, wrapping. Christmas stocking prep.

Toys: who decides when new ones are needed, researches these, and buys. Include time spent picking up Facebook purchases. As they get older there are things like bikes, bath toys, holiday toys (plane entertainment/bucket and spade).

Baby hair and nails. Who cuts these and keeps an eye on length?

Also who packs for holidays?

Just remembered activity admin: researching places to go, booking swimming or other classes. Researching stuff to do on holiday.

Writing the list and being in charge of spotting what needs doing

Thank you for these! There are a couple on here that I'd kind of half written down but definitely some more detail I could do with adding on so this is really helpful. The packing for holidays as well as the activity admin we already share responsibility for equally

I think it helps to divide jobs into broad categories then for one person to take responsibility for a whole category rather than divvying up individual tasks. So say one of your categories is cars, you know that everything to do with cars is on you- MOT, tax, insurance etc. And the person with responsibility for a category is also responsible for thinking of everything in that category.

Childcare stuff (assuming paid childcare):
Researching and finding a place
sign up paperwork
signing up for tax free childcare, funded hours. Reconfirming these every three months, paying invoices
Pick up / drop off
child development stuff. Who do nursery talk to if they have a concern about behaviour/development?
Packed lunches
special days - making sure child wears yellow, Christmas jumper, etc.
School research/application

As a note, I found much of this a lot easier at nursery/preschool age, school has much more parental involvement in terms of different routines, forms to sign, things to sponsor, etc etc. So bear in mind the evolution of all of these.

Off the top of my head...

Daily:
Tidy up and basic cleaning/housework
Cooking
Nag kids to do homework/ music practice/ tidy up/ shower/ sort their bags - help with some of those
Walk dog
Pick up dog poo from garden
Sort cat litter trays
Feed cats, dog, fish
A load of laundry
Check emails, add things to google and paper calendars
Keep up with phone calls, text messages, emails

Weekly:
More thorough cleaning
Ironing
Change towels
Change beds
Take DC to classes (9 per week)
Top up school dinner account
Check online banking, update budget spreadsheet
Compile detailed to do list for following week
Meal plan and online grocery order
Receive, unpack and put away grocery delivery
Top up shop
Bins

Ad hoc:
Review DDs/subscriptions/utility
costs/insurances etc
Arrange playdates
Buy cards & gifts
Write & send cards
Wrap gifts
Organise family outings, birthday parties, etc
Make and take DC to appointments (gp/dentist/pardiatrician/camhs/haircuts)
Sort costumes
Payment, permission, equipment etc for school trips & activities
Sort DC rooms
Buy DC clothes & shoes
Make and attend my own appointments (numerous due to health issues, as well as hair, nails and beauty)
Get clothes adjusted to fit my slender DC
House/white goods/garden/car etc repairs, maintenance, DIY
Vet appointments
Flea & worming treatment
Sort emails, unsubscribe from all the junk
Sort photos

Don't forget nursery admin - who's receiving the emails/texts, putting the important dates in the calendar, making sure the nursery bag has the right stuff in it, who's going on the parent WhatsApp group etc

I agree with @WildFigs . Otherwise any task that isn't speifically written down will land up back on your plate AND, you have to remember all the tasks.

So look at generl stuff - cooking, meal planning, shopping, cleaning, laundry, things baby needs, childcare, baby medical needs, cars, all insurance, DIY, garden... and allocate accordingly. Doesn't mean that the person who has it on their list has to do it all, but that they are responsible. I am responsible for shopping and meal planning, but DH regularly does the shopping or putting away or whatever, or DH is responsible for managing DC's dentists and check ups, but I sometimes take them.

Ah this is incredibly helpful thank you!

Oh, and I'm sorry to be cynical, but make sure he has plenty of responsibilities because I can 100% promise you that anything that falls through the organisational cracks will 100% fall to you. Also play to strengths. I have given up attempting to make DH responsible for any of the DC's sport/club activities in terms of the actuall management - he is a disorganised person who doesn't keep an eye on his phone sp after the 3rd time we turned up at rugby only to discover it had been cancelled and DH hadn't see the whatsapp message, I have taken this on.

But I feel zero guilt about the fct that he has quite a few tasks that resul tin him doing them late at night or wahtever because of this. eg he's ultimatley responsible for laundry - I put plenty of loads on a I'm at home during the day, but I'm not sorting the laundry, putting it away etc and I do the bare minimum of folding and hanging it up. Similarly, he does bedding. Sometimes this means it doesn't get done as regularly as I would like, and he almost ALWAYS lands up doing it at 10pm but that's on him, not me. Ditto DIY, ditto garden, ditto bins. I'm not dealing with anything to do with insurance, broadband, tv license, subscriptions etc - that's all him. So basically, everything that doesn't have to be dealt with quickly or at regular ad hoc intervals is him.

get a notebook and write down tasks that need doing as you go along, get DH to do the same. Cross off as you go along. Most appointments etc are set up with text reminders - I always get them all then send some onto DH to do
outsource what you can afford to ( a cleaner is so helpful when you go back after mat leave)
and prioritise your own well-being/ exercise, it is exhausting when you go back. Make a loose plan on Sundays about the rest of the week. I also found that I had to readjust my own thinking about high standards as when I was off with first baby I was v hard on myself to be perfect and there’s no time for that when you add a job back in!

@OhBling oh that does sound like it would be very difficult, I honestly don't think I'd have to face anything like that, my partner had alternated full nights with our baby since the day he was born, he also looks after our LO the second he finishes work until he goes to bed and finds time before or after work to vacuum, do laundry etc. He also uses his hour lunch break to take baby and dog for a walk so I can have a break! I realise I am incredibly lucky but it's why I don't have any anxiety about him putting off jobs or leaving them all to me thankfully

Really like the cleaner idea, cleaning is a job I hate and it makes sense to time save here. You're right about managing my own expectations too, that's something that's going to take some getting used to but will be highly necessary I think!

My partner and I share most tasks equally except for the ones we have a preference for or against. But this does mean we probably both do more than 50% each because there are several things we both think about and discuss rather than one person just getting on with it!

Anyway, my tips are: as the mother, you'll be the automatic contact for things like the health visitor, the GP etc. for the baby by default. So get your husband down as the primary nursery contact to balance that out. Otherwise you'll just end up as child admin person. Similarly get your husband to respond to nursery birthday party invitations, then it'll be him who has all the phone numbers of the other kids' parents. Loads of other parents are unthinkingly sexist about this and heir instinct will be to try and set up play dates with the mum.

For meal planning and shopping, we have a white board in the kitchen on which we both write down meals we are planning to cook some time in the next week, and the shopping list in progress. Then we both have the login details for our supermarket delivery, so whoever has time books and updates the order. In practice, this usually leads to a last minute panicked discussion of what we want to eat next week the day before the delivery, but it is totally equal.

@MaltipooMama those were just examples of things I have had to remember to do this week, that I don't do on a regular basis. There are always things that won't be regular or usual, but which may still need doing. I suggest that as they come up you note them down, so that they don't surprise you next time! You have a dog, so who is responsible for clearing up dog sick etc. Worming. De-fleaing. Getting dog hair off the sofas. Taking it for walks! And clearing up the poo of course, although judging by your name that may already be on your mind 😁.