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Original poster

Anyone else feel.as if they're just going through the motions in life?

21 replies

FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 07:58

I'm in such a slump and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I've got no motivation to do anything and really just feel as if I'm just going through the motions of each day.

I can't motivate myself to be interested in work. I do the bare minimum, if I'm honest, and then spend time feeling guilty. I'm working fulltime and also have just started doctoral study and I'm already feeling as if I want to knock that on the head because I just don't fucking care about any of it.

I'm putting on weight at a rate of knots and loathe my body but can't be arsed to do anything about it. I just wear big shapeless clothes and get dressed in the dark. Sometimes I don't bother getting washed or dressed at all. I do no exercise and some weeks I don't even leave the house for days. I've stopped looking at myself in the mirror because it's just depressing. Teams calls at work are just torture!

I feel like life is passing me by and I'm dull. DH is constantly talking about how we should pack our jobs in and go travelling before we're too old to enjoy it and in a way I agree but it just makes me feel anxious. He's always saying 'lets do this, let's do that' (holidays, weekends away, etc) and I just worry about the money.

I don't know what to do with myself. I used to be quite dynamic but now I'm just this boring blah person who.would rather just be left alone and do nothing. But thrn I get crippled by the worry that I'm just letting life go past me.

Can anyone relate? And if you've been there and changed it, what helped? I'm starting to feel so low about myself.

OP posts:
CalmDuck · 09/12/2024 07:59

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 08:01

Grown up children.

Also, should've said, I'm early 50s and yes I am on HRT!

OP posts:
HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 08:02

What would you like to be doing?

CalmDuck · 09/12/2024 08:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 08:11

HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 08:02

What would you like to be doing?

I honestly don't know. I would give up my job tomorrow as it really stresses me but it pays the mortgage and is flexible. I'm the main breadwinner. I would like to be travelling etc but I have an elderly parent who I'm increasingly responsible for.

I'd like to be 3 stone lighter but no matter what I do the extra weight just doesn't shift.

Every time I try to focus on something (eg PhD work) I just think, wtf is the point of this?

OP posts:
redmapleleaves1 · 09/12/2024 09:06

I'm sorry, it sounds tough. A stressful job you don't much like but feel a bit trapped in, a PhD alongside it, and increasing elder care is alot. My daughter is doing a PhD (full-time) and I see from her what a slog it is. If it were me, I'd consider stepping away from that for now, - you can always come back to it later, even on retirement if you then have the oomph.

It sounds to me like you might be depressed? Have you been to your doctor? Antidepressants might make a big difference. I'm a bit older than you and in my life, after years of poor sleep with the menopause, I can't say what a difference a magnesium supplement, a good eye mask and a week of proper sleep made to my wellbeing and motivation. Wishing you well.

Original poster
FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 09:37

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I do take magnesium already, plus ashwaghanda, vit D, lions mane, etc etc - I rattle! I have thought about whether I'm depressed but tbh I'm a bit scared to pull on that thread.

I definitely sometimes wish I'd not started the doctoral work but it's become the inevitable next step with little chance of any advance in my job if I don't. We are also going through a huge restructuring with lots of redundancy atm so I don't want to rock any boats right now if that makes sense.

I just feel as if it's all a bit much. Lots of demands from every angle. I'd quite like to just run away.

OP posts:
HardlyLikely · 09/12/2024 09:39

FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 09:37

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I do take magnesium already, plus ashwaghanda, vit D, lions mane, etc etc - I rattle! I have thought about whether I'm depressed but tbh I'm a bit scared to pull on that thread.

I definitely sometimes wish I'd not started the doctoral work but it's become the inevitable next step with little chance of any advance in my job if I don't. We are also going through a huge restructuring with lots of redundancy atm so I don't want to rock any boats right now if that makes sense.

I just feel as if it's all a bit much. Lots of demands from every angle. I'd quite like to just run away.

Are you in academia, OP?

Original poster
FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 09:41

Haha, how did you guess?

OP posts:
Slavica · 09/12/2024 09:45

I would never recommend doing a PhD unless you really really want to, it messes with your head in the best of times. To, on the one hand, consider packing in the job and, on the other, do a PhD because you can't advance without it seem contradictory.
I think you have enough on your plate, @FeetInTheSwing , without a PhD alongside a job.

Just an aside: for me, giving up a job to go traveling doesn't sound relaxing at all. Does it for you? I think you need to prioritize your quality of life in the situation you find yourself in.

redmapleleaves1 · 09/12/2024 09:48

I hadn't twigged you're in academia. So add to all the pressures that massive pressure of the sector right now, and probably being on hyperalert lots of the time. (I work in a university too, but in professional services).

I do get the feeling you have you won't progress if you don't have a PhD. But it sounds like, at the moment, the best thing you could do for your wellbeing and work life, might be prioritising getting wellbeing support? Does your employer have a counselling service or an EAP service? I've had excellent (free, immediate) listening support from our EAP service with the aftermath of safeguarding situations which were causing me massive stress, and colleagues have had very good ongoing counselling support.

All the best OP

JennyTals · 09/12/2024 09:48

Yeah gone through that feeling before several times, with me it’s when survival mode kicks in and you literally are going through the motions then things change and improved and you realise oh I’ve suddenly come back to life again and realise you’re been in survival

CreationNat1on · 09/12/2024 09:56

Gym and Spa membership? A treat for yourself, not for appearance, but a nice place to go and to care for yourself.

Do you drink alcohol, would cutting that out help?

redmapleleaves1 · 09/12/2024 10:16

PS I get that feeling about 'need to do this to progress'. But there are stages of life where it is just about holding motions and keeping afloat not progression, and thats ok.

Often in academia people are perfectionist and high-achieving. It is hard overcoming patterns of a lifetime and thinking there are all these badges out there I could be getting, but right now I'm going to focus on good enough and just one step in front of another.

Further thought, again, get it is v hard when there is restructuring/likely redundancies, but you don't sound like you feel yourself. If this were the flu you'd be off work for a week. Could you go to the gp and get a sick note.

ProfTeeCee · 09/12/2024 10:20

FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 09:41

Haha, how did you guess?

We are all thoroughly depressed in academia 🤣

SadSandwich · 09/12/2024 10:23

You need more you time so pause the PhD on your caring grounds. Then take a sabbatical or go and stay in a non Wi-Fi escape and rest. Too much. Too tired. Do you. Be kind.

Original poster
FeetInTheSwing · 09/12/2024 11:20

I know it's annoying when OPs just push back against every suggestion but believe me when I say that taking a sabbatical isn't anywhere close to an option right now. It just isn't.

Apart from the fact that it wouldn't be granted anyway, we are a tiny team all of whom are barely hanging on, having already lost 2 in my dept in the last 3 months, and I would be letting people down who are not just colleagues but also friends.

I think I just need to organise myself better - and probably get off MN!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 09/12/2024 11:24

Can you make one of those lists whrr we e you rate everything in your life? Eg work health exercise sleep hobbies friends family social life rest eg and see what doesn’t seem to match up for you? Did it a few years ago and rang my sister and told her I was coming down for a few days as it turned out not seeing her was burning a hole. Also do you get out much as in to the great outdoors?

DaisysChains · 09/12/2024 11:46

I’d also second a chat with the GP but sometimes even that seems too big and we need to ‘get ready’ for it by starting to do some little things that give us a quick and easy positive boost

when meditation or reading feels ‘too much’ just wrapping up in big cosy blanket and sitting by a window, maybe radio or podcast but sometimes literally just ‘sitting and being’ with no external demands is all we can manage and yet gives a bit of respite

experiment with self-soothing techniques until you find a couple that work for you and with your schedule

small things - like really small - so instead of feeling like an extra chore on your to-do list it feels more like a little pleasure

could be just after work taking 10mins to sit in the car and listen to radio before setting off for home

or going a different route home so you pass somewhere or something that makes you smile

if self-grooming is difficult atm get a pack of nice smelling wipes or dry shampoo to start off, or a clothes spray, or a shower gel/shampoo that might help you feel more like getting washed

I have accessed lots of external help of various types/scope, but what worked the best, and still remains the most accessible, free, and repeatable, are the little things like super strong smelling coffee at sunrise, a washing-up liquid I like the smell of, having ‘proper’ hankies (learnt during therapy a giant cotton hankie is much more robust than tissues 😂 so now I always have one and it’s a reminder I am more robust and didn’t disintegrate like a tissue!)

I have a selection of perfume samples - even before wearing them out I was adding a couple of drops to socks so opening that drawer was nice (have now got lovely old fashioned scented drawliners)

basically scatter tiny smile-seeds through your week and some might not ‘stick’ but others will take root and shore up your self-belief that you are worth caring for

best of luck 💐

HelpNeededBeforeIHaveABreakdown · 09/12/2024 12:09

Work out a long term plan, including possible redundancy, when mortgage is paid off, what pensions you have and when you can take them.

CharTilfan · 09/12/2024 12:38

DaisysChains · 09/12/2024 11:46

I’d also second a chat with the GP but sometimes even that seems too big and we need to ‘get ready’ for it by starting to do some little things that give us a quick and easy positive boost

when meditation or reading feels ‘too much’ just wrapping up in big cosy blanket and sitting by a window, maybe radio or podcast but sometimes literally just ‘sitting and being’ with no external demands is all we can manage and yet gives a bit of respite

experiment with self-soothing techniques until you find a couple that work for you and with your schedule

small things - like really small - so instead of feeling like an extra chore on your to-do list it feels more like a little pleasure

could be just after work taking 10mins to sit in the car and listen to radio before setting off for home

or going a different route home so you pass somewhere or something that makes you smile

if self-grooming is difficult atm get a pack of nice smelling wipes or dry shampoo to start off, or a clothes spray, or a shower gel/shampoo that might help you feel more like getting washed

I have accessed lots of external help of various types/scope, but what worked the best, and still remains the most accessible, free, and repeatable, are the little things like super strong smelling coffee at sunrise, a washing-up liquid I like the smell of, having ‘proper’ hankies (learnt during therapy a giant cotton hankie is much more robust than tissues 😂 so now I always have one and it’s a reminder I am more robust and didn’t disintegrate like a tissue!)

I have a selection of perfume samples - even before wearing them out I was adding a couple of drops to socks so opening that drawer was nice (have now got lovely old fashioned scented drawliners)

basically scatter tiny smile-seeds through your week and some might not ‘stick’ but others will take root and shore up your self-belief that you are worth caring for

best of luck 💐

What a lovely post with some great ideas.

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