My parents have no boundaries.

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

My parents called earlier asking to pop round with ‘my’ Christmas cards.

I don’t want Christmas cards. I told them this. However, they decided I should send Christmas cards. So they bought Christmas cards for me to send.

I said today wasn’t a good day. I’m feeling iffy, I’m in pyjamas and I may puke at any moment.

Not to worry; they’ll just drop them in and be off.

Okay.

Nope. They are in my house. The doorbell went while I was on the toilet and DS let them in.

It’s been thirty minutes and they’re still here.

This is NOT the agreed drop off. I TOLD them today wasn’t a good day.

They do this. This kind of thing. They think nothing of forcing themselves onto people. They somehow ALWAYS get their way.

I’m already hosting them for Christmas even though I don’t want to. Mid-November they dropped into conversation that they’d ’bought the chicken for Christmas for me’.

I could regale you with the stories from when they had a key and the time I changed the locks but I don’t have the energy.

Apparently the Christmas cards couldn’t wait because I’ll want to write them. To whom, I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m just having a moan. A Christmas whinge.

Oh wow I thought it was just me. I'm sat here seething right now as mine asked me about something yesterday and I gave her the i'll update you when there's an update. She then proceeded to ask DP the same thing when he popped round there today. We literally fell out a few weeks ago over her shenanigans. Lifelong pattern of misbehaviour except at I'm now closer to 50 than 12 so have finally learnt to speak up for myself. We went on holiday and I had to tell her there's a camera in the bedroom because if I didn't she'd have gone rummaging. I was never this type of parent. I'm sure she wonders why we're not close and she'd certainly not think it was her own fault.

“… and as a result, we won’t be hosting you for Christmas this year”. If they turn up on Christmas Day after that, make them wait whilst you finish eating “

I’ve decided I am NOT doing Christmas dinner for them.

I’m going to tell them that I have work that day (I was going to do Christmas on Boxing Day because of DS’s shifts) and we’ll do it after Christmas.

I spent my birthday seething because they forced themselves on me. I need a chilled out Christmas.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon Good for you, it's your Christmas too and it's exhausting to host especially if it's not what you want to do. Maybe the Christmas card delivery was a gift to allow you to start enforcing boundaries. I don't like it when people use our love for them to trample us. It's disrespectful yet we are always expected to show respect, respect should go both ways.

It’s such hard work hosting them.

My dad critiques the food, not in an obvious way but with loads of exhausting questions about my cooking methods and telling me what I should do.

My mum picks on DS. Makes little comments about his weight and when I tell her to stop my dad makes nasty comments about him being ‘sensitive’.

One year we were all playing a game and my dad said he ‘had more fun when his granny’s arse caught fire’ and my mum badgers to put the shopping channel on, so it’s not like they enjoy it.

send cards back
tell them to off you pop
Christmas will be cancelled

I'm really sorry but that did make me chuckle. One of my mum's favourite expressions was "you'd laugh to see your granny's arse on fire" if I was having a rather wry giggle about something. I've never heard anyone else say it.

You have got to be kidding. If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself at least stand up for your child. Them bulling him should mean they are banned from your home permanently. They are doing your son damage. That is bloody appalling.

I keep them at arms length due to the bullying.

My mum (pink tote almond mum) used to do it to me, she’d continue until I became visibly upset then my dad would tell me she ‘didn’t mean it’.

Over the last ten years a lot of memories of abuse have come to the surface and I’m working through it.

Putting people down is how my mum gets her kicks. Both her mum and my dad put her down A LOT and I think it’s all she knows.

I’d been dreading Christmas but now I feel so much lighter.

I think I just realised that I can’t do it.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon I'm so pleased to hear that, we are trained as children in a family like yours to accept bad treatment but it's so important to break out of that cycle. If they refuse to treat you and your family well, you refuse to see them, it should be that simple. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas period without their toxicity. xx

Hard work OP.

Why would you expect them to set any boundaries? Why would they, when they have everything just as they like it?

the boundaries that need to be set are yours. No one else can do it for you.

it sounds like your son has been taught to allow other people to trample all over his needs as well.

It's up to you to say no. You can carry on being a drip and letting them do what they like. Or you can say no.

Do you have a key for their house? If so, go and sit in it until they come home.

My mother used to do this
I thought I was going mad-id given my father a key for emergencies
She'd taken the key off the ring and would wait until I was at work/college and come round
She'd go through my post/diary (incuding a new bank card and pin),take any loose change,nosey through my drawers,take anything that caught her eye and decide what clothes she deemed suitable for my dc and she'd get rid of any she didn't like
It came to a head when I'd bought some new cleaning cloths and I couldn't find them
Ds proudly informed me 'nans taken them as she doesn't like that type,the material makes her feel funny' !!!!
She'd got him to keep it a secret for months and he'd been letting her in while I was out
I went apeshit and got the key off her (Cue much wailing about how unreasonable I am)
I went nc with her a few weeks later over a phone bill-it was death by 1000 cuts

Best thing I ever did

Isn't that the actual origin of the word gaslighting? Someone doing things that literally make a person feel like they are insane? Congrats on going no contact. I think it's something more people should do when the level of harm is high.

She's the queen of gaslighting
I've seen her do something,get caught in the act and fully deny doing it!
She's a narc-the worst bit is,she works in a position of trust-working with old people in their homes
She's done the same to them (she sees it as 'topping up my shite wages' and 'they owe me for the trouble ive gone to for them')-ive whistleblown her endless times,but she denies it,bosses believe her,I get shouted down as being a bitch and the families are soooo grateful when the person passes for everything She's done for them...

Gaslighting at its finest

Wow that is beyond disrespectful. Mothers cause so much damage by not giving their DC space and letting them live their own life. It's so selfish.

I once threw up on FIL.
This happened after DH had taken the " emergency " key back off him. ( thats another story 🙄)
Id been sent home from work with suspected norovirus. FIL saw my car in the drive as he was passing so came to the door and literally leaned on the doorbell for 5 mins ( I was on the bog ). I staggered to the front door and told him I was unwell and it was not a good time to visit, he stepped in uninvited and I vomited on his legs and feet. A copious amount.
Anyhoo that did the trick - no more popping in uninvited.