"What do you think of the team?" Gaslighting

[epww]

My manager asked me this at work drinks. I'm new, and doing 6 months or so before deciding if it's going to be a long term position.

My manager tries to be 'young' and 'friendly'. He asked me "Truthfully, what do you think of the team?"

I said I liked the team. He asked again, "Come on, you can tell me".

So I said it's a great team, but I'm not sure I'm as comfortable yet as I have been in previous teams because I've heard a couple of racist jokes and misogynistic comments made by seniors. But overall, really liking it!

After hearing this, he completely flipped his attitude and berated me, telling me I would be naive to think that other teams are any better, and the odd off hand comment here or there doesn't mean someone harbours unpleasant views.

So I tried to stick up for myself and said that maybe you don't find them offensive but other people from different backgrounds like me, might.

He's a super posh, well connected, wealthy, and former public school 'boy'.

At this point I'd just say a few honest points that are positive if you've noticed them. If not just say, well, I'm just getting to know everyone but they all seem friendly. I wouldn't start bitching about anyone you might have slightly taken a dislike to. He's clearly a gossip.

Lesson learned. You were manipulated into saying all that because you were in an informal situation, so you thought it would be 'off the record'.

It was hardly bitching, but yeah, lesson learned.

This is not what gaslighting is.
But it sounds like a shitty place to work if seniors make comments like that and can't be challenged on them.

I don’t think that’s gaslighting but you spoke honestly and the fact that he didn’t take it on board as a matter to be sorted shows what a crap manager he is.

He's been helpful. He's taught you not to trust him.

He wanted his ego stroked and was fishing for compliments. He is egotistical and when you told the truth he couldn’t handle it and let you have it. Definitely lesson learned. You know who you are dealing with now, that is helpful. They are ten a penny out there these kinds.

So where is the gas 'most overused expression in the world' lighting bit?

Don't tell him anything personal, ever. The guy sounds shady.

I had a new manager like this (very pushy and nosy for all the wrong reasons) and I told him lots of false information about my likes/dislikes/weekend plan etc. There was no way he was going to know a single detail about who I was outside of work.

Where’s the gaslighting?

I guess it’s a lesson learnt that you need to give diplomatic answers to questions like that. Never assume a colleague is a friend who can be trusted. They do exist, but best to always stay away from any workplace gossip.

Not gaslighting but agree, shows manager isn’t trustworthy.

It wasn’t the right place/time for you to bring up incidences of sexism/racism. You clearly didn’t think it ‘safe’ to do so and presumably decided not to, but then brought it up at the social.

This isn't gaslighting.

What it is is a lesson in something you should have learnt a long time ago about being careful what you say even at work drinks. Racist comments should ideally be addressed in formal documented meetings.

Why is that gaslighting?

Don’t trust this guy. But also start keeping a private record (at home not on the work computer!) of all the racist and sexist comments. You may need it later.

It’s not gaslighting but it’s a rotten thing to do if he wasn’t willing to take your reply seriously.

Agree with this fully.

Sounds like a very unpleasant person who has learned how to hide his nastiness under a veneer. It's good to have a work social occasion while you are still deciding whether to stay or go, the masks will often slip.

Chalk it up to experience and start job hunting.

I guess the use of gasliighting in the title is because of his change of face after you answered his question - but gaslighting would be if he was denying the accuracy of your memories and saying you haven't heard and seen what you have, whereas it sounds like he was more telling you that you either misinterpreted or gave too much credence to lighthearted remarks. People who think that lighthearted racism and sexism are acceptable because it's just a joke don't make good colleagues.

So I tried to stick up for myself and said that maybe you don't find them offensive but other people from different backgrounds like me, might.

And to add, well done OP. It wasn’t good to raise this in the first place to this manager in an informal context but I will say you did well to stand your ground when he tried to minimise racism. Overall I wouldn’t have called it gaslighting and it didn’t strike me as such, but I guess on reflection and reading your OP again there is an element of gaslighting in the fact that he downplayed it so much.

Trivialising and minimisation and accusations of sensitivity can be methods of gaslighting. If you look on many websites it’s often listed as a gaslighting tactic. The below is taken from a website called simply psychology.
MinimizingThis can involve someone belittling or trivializing the victim’s feelings. They may often say, ‘You are overreacting’ or ‘You are too sensitive.’
If they say something hurtful, they may also say, ‘I was only joking,’ to reinforce that the other person is overreacting. Victims may question whether their concerns and feelings are real or may feel silly for overreacting.

You've found out that he condones racist comments. Maybe time to look for another role, or think if such remarks are repeated, to raise this formally.