Does having a rubbish mum ever get easier ?

[Aussierose2]

Tw - abusive parent

My mum was pretty cruel to me emotionally as a child. I was also neglected to the point I ended up living with my Grandmother as she saw what was happening and stepped in. I also have an older sister who was treated very differently often joining in with the bullying and remained living with my Mother.

I now have my own kids and I am non contact fairly recently with my Mother and my Sister ( last 6 months ) but it's really very painful at times trying to navigate parenting without having a mum ( my Grandmother passed two years ago).

Does it ever get easier ? Will I just hurt forever ? I have had therapy in the past but didn't find it awfully helpful. Does anyone whose been through this have any advice ? I feel like having my kids has made me feel much worse about the whole thing as I just can't understand treating your child or family that way.

Thank you if you got this far.

I hear you.

I went NC with my mother and she died some years later. I didn't go to the funeral. I think the overwhelming emotion I felt at the time (including the tears) were about relief.

Honestly? I think for so long as they're alive it's complicated because we have that childhood trauma bond with them.

I don't miss her at all.

She was a shit mother who should never have had children.

Loads of sympathy and a big hug for you. It hurts so much when you haven't had the mum that you needed

Therapy was absolutely the way forward for me. Psychodynamic therapy that look at the impact your childhood had on how you feel and what you experience in the here and now. It's really tough, really painful and involves processing some incredibly difficult things. But it has ultimately meant freedom for me - I have let go of all hope of getting what I need from my parents, and I've reached a state of peace and acceptance about it.

Apart from therapy, trying hard to tune into your own needs and make them a priority, learning to say no, to stand up for yourself, to praise yourself every time you get something right, however tiny. In effect, becoming a loving parent to yourself

Better therapy might help? I’ve had therapy on the full range from amazing to shit/unhelpful.

also, Nicole LePera’s Instagram account is pretty much all about how you heal from a shitty upbringing: www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/profilecard/?igsh=MXA3Nnpjdjg5eHl3dA==

It got worse soon after DM died then infinitely better after several months once I internalised that this was really true, she actually was dead, and I was finally free of her. I didn't find therapy that helpful and I've tried several different therapists and approaches. Mostly the thing that has helped me the most is just going out there, living life, and keeping too busy to think about her or what she did. YMMV.

I've been non contact with my mother for 5 years (since my DD was 18 months), and it definitely gets easier with time. I think less about her and the nightmares associated with her have pretty much stopped now. I also feel confident and no longer guilty in my decision around preventing any kind of relationship between her and my DD.

Also with time extended family members will have time to show their true colours, in your favour and against, so that you can work on rebuilding those relationships in a different context.

Give it time. It will get easier. x

Yes, it does get easier. I am a bit further down the road, maybe 5 years since I went LC and 2 years of NC. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in that time. Changing my own habits, having healthier life choices in general. Therapy also was incredibly helpful for me to understand my family dynamics. I think not all therapists are created equal though.

I would say that what is difficult is the continued efforts to stalk and harass me. While I am NC, my family has continued to try to find ways to track me down, make contact in harassing ways, etc. That’s been painful. If my mum was dead, in a lot of ways it would be easier, because I wouldn’t have to fear opening my email on my birthday or a knock at the door (they’ve recently discovered where I live again).

But I’d say yes, it does get easier with time and distance and confidence in the decision you’ve made. I do think you have to work to heal the wound though. You have to grow yourself in new ways. You have to make sure you aren’t poking the old wound and making it worse by self-sabotaging. You probably need a support system or a community of others who have gone through the same as it can be very validating. It does get easier though, yes. I was a shell of a person a couple years ago and I’m very happy and well now. It’s been (mostly) very peaceful these past few years.

Aussierose2, i have a similar kind of experience and have also had years of therapy. Having children definitely brought a lot of past experiences to the surface and you do start to compare your childhood to your own children’s upbringing.
Yes, it does hurt sometimes. But what has helped a bit, is to definitely have boundaries.
I am not NC but definitely have boundaries. Also, you should be proud of yourself for doing a good job of giving your children the needs and nurture you didn’t have.
You don’t mention if you have a partner, and therefore their family for support?

I am NC with my mother and I think I have come to some sort of acceptance. I still sometimes get really angry about the way she behaved to me, but by in large I have accepted that she behaved as she did, I will never understand why, and I can never have the childhood I should have had. I wasn't really able to start coming to this acceptance until I went NC though, so I think you might find that you find our own peace over the next year or so.

I went NC after first DC, having a child was incredibly triggering (I hate this word but theres no other way to describe the shitshow of emotions I experienced after having my own child and thinking “how could you”).

I stopped thinking about her at all after a while. A few years down the line and I’m so much happier. Time did make it better in my case.

I was the same I used to just gaze at DD as I fed her to sleep, thinking "how could you?".
I really struggled to comprehend it. It pushed me to finally go NC, but it also makes me more patience and forgiving of people who lack any empathy and on occasion have been quite nasty about my decision, because at the end of the day if I struggle to get my head round it and I lived it, how on earth can anyone who has had a solid loving maternal relationship ever understand.

I’m going through this. My mother has made out she’s the victim but she pushed me down, pushed me down and pushed me down.
I didn’t deserve it.

screaming and crying and manipulating- my life is quieter now but sad.

I totally agree with that I often wonder if ill ever find peace as long as she's around :( thank you

My therapist said that you need to grieve. I lost my mum and went NC with my dad soon after. Going NC still means you need to grieve. Not for that person but for what you lost. You never had a mum and you recently lost your mother figure. Its a lot. My heart goes out to you

I hear you op. I often look at people with loving family relationships and wonder what that is like, even though I’ve tried so hard to give that to my own children. it is like I’m forever on the edge of that experience.

It took nursing my dad through his intense and distressing 3 day death to finally forgive him. I didn’t grieve for him after death though, I didn’t feeI needed to, but I still question that.

With my mum (very much alive) I’m still not there. She is a much mellower version of her old self, now that she is in her 70s, but she hasn’t got an appropriately relational bone in her body and even though I’m now in my 40s it still bloody hurts and enrages me in equal measure.

Be kind to yourself op, seek all the self care you can find and make better choices with your own DC.

With mine, I moved to another continent which really helped as I no longer had to see her much😁. The problem was though that when I took DS back to visit occasionally, she'd start off being nice but very soon reverted back to her usual self. The crunch came when DS said to me, "why is Granny so mean to me?"...and I realised that I had the ability to protect him from what I went through, and contact was cut.

You're doing the best thing for your DC by distancing them from her, and it will help if you remind yourself of that. I've no doubt your childhood has shaped the mother that you are to your own kids (in a good way) and you should be proud that you've chosen a loving life for them.

And yes, IME it gets a lot easier after they've died, but there are complex emotions to deal with while they're alive.

Oh gosh in my case @Gumbo it was "why does Granny always give me negative feedback" through tears. I had watched her undermine him and praise his brother to 'teach him a lesson'. I've also used distance as a means to go LC.

The pain slows down and I've lived with it but I don't know if it's easier. I went NC with my DM 20 years ago and when she died 10 years ago (about I can't really remember) I felt nothing but anger. I hated her then and I hate her now.

I am still angry that she couldn't even one time put me first. I'm angry at what is left of her family as well for not stepping up and still believing she was so wonderful. Her legacy is her only child is glad she's dead.

But I've prided myself on being the exact opposite of a mother to my two. They know I'm on their side and I will always help and support them even now as adults.

You are doing really well x