Would you expect more from your DH in this situation?

[Feelabandoned]

I conceived DC3 accidentally in the summer and had a mc at 8 weeks in August. The mc was straightforward physically but it made me realise I really wanted a third child. DH was a bit on the fence but we conceived again first try in September.

DH barely acknowledged the pregnancy. I was very ill with awful morning sickness and he just carried on as normal, never asked how I was, showed no interest in my early scans. I think he was freaking out about the baby (understandable I guess).

That pregnancy ended in a mmc at 9+5 which was discovered at a private scan at 10 weeks. DH expressed some sympathy but then carried on as normal. I was booked in for medical management at 12+5 (carried on working full time) but 2 days before my appointment (on Tuesday this week) I started to miscarry naturally. I lost way too much blood and ended up being rushed to hospital in an ambulance where I had emergency surgery under GA and had a blood transfusion. There was a point in resuss where my blood pressure dropped suddenly and I lost consciousness, all the alarms went off and staff were shouting at me to stay with them - it was so scary. I really thought I might die in that moment.

Since I got home I haven’t been able to get out of bed. I feel weak and exhausted and emotionally so fragile. Every time I go to the loo I get flashbacks of the bleeding. I’m devastated to have lost the baby and I keep crying all the time. I can’t even concentrate enough to watch tv.

DH has been dealing with the kids (4 and 6, both at school and we have an after school nanny, so really just getting them ready for school and then bed) and has made me the odd cup of tea.

Last night I started to cry again and said how low I was feeling. DH said “I feel like I’ve been doing loads but it’s not enough for you” and then said he thought I should see a counsellor because he needs to keep a positive mental attitude to do his work.

Im sure he’s right that I could do with some professional help but I also feel totally abandoned by him. I feel like by looking after his own children he’s doing the bare minimum of what he should, not “loads”. I don’t know what I’m expecting but I feel completely unsupported emotionally by him. But maybe that’s natural as I’m not really in my right mind right now?

We don’t have any family close and I haven’t told anyone about the pregnancy so no one knows about the mc either - so he’s really all I’ve got.

I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriages, it all sounds heartbreaking and traumatising. Your feelings are completely valid. It does seem like your DH is quite detached and I would be hurt if I was in your situation. Could you speak with him about it again? I also think you need more support, so that you aren’t just reliant on him (especially if he can’t/wont give you what you need currently) - is there a trusted friend or family member you could confide in?

I think professional support would be helpful too, to help you process your loss/experiences in a safe and contained way. Your DH does need to step up and support you though and I hope he would be receptive to an open conversation about your needs at this time.

Be kind to yourself OP 💐

Thank you @Plastictrees - it actually means a lot to have someone acknowledge my feelings.

I think I just want DH to hug me, ask me how I am feeling, listen to what I’m saying. Instead I feel like a burden. I almost died 3 days ago.

I don’t have any close friends or family that I can share this with. I work full time in a stressful job and spend all my spare time with the kids, so it’s been really hard to maintain my friendships. My mum lives abroad and I don’t want to worry her. My sister has mental health problems and stopped speaking to me last Christmas (for no reason basically, and has ignored all my attempts to contact her). This whole thing has shaken me so much and made me realise how alone I am.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's not right that he's unsupportive. I guess he could simply not really know the right things to say or do? I hope you've got plenty of family and friends support? X

I’m so sorry for your losses and the trauma OP, you have suffered a devastating and terrifying experience.

Good grief though, Your DH’s response isn’t adequate. It’s really not. Even my very unempathetic dh mustered an awkward hug when my mum died and I was a wreck over it. And he listened when I described what I’d been through and how it affected me. That’s the least he could do.

A lot of men in particular struggle when confronted by intense emotions- both their own and other people’s. Would you say he is one of those types? My dh simply doesn’t feel as deeply as I do - and he doesn’t comprehend how horrible I feel when I’m depressed or bereaved or in physical pain.
He shows his love and care by being practical - that is the most he can offer me, although he will listen if I unload and go into “solve it” mode, I’ve learned that just frustrates both of us.

Dh has learned that he should validate my feelings, and I’ve learned I shouldn’t share them too much.

You do need to talk to someone though. He’s not wrong about that. Some counselling to help you understand why he doesn’t appear to care, and some counselling to help you come to terms with your lost babies and nearly dying.

@Feelabandoned Is your husband usually emotionally support?

Would you consider counselling? I think it would be really helpful at this time. You will get through this - and you’ll be able to re-evaluate your relationships once you’re on the other side.

Could he be in denial? Are things usually solid between you, is he just reeling from almost losing you? So pretending it didn't happen? If this is completely out of character and he's normally supportive then there's a chance this is what is going on. If however he's not then you need to find yourself a good counsellor and talk to friends.

He's recognising the practical support he's giving, whereas what you need is emotional support. Is he normally good at understanding your emotional needs?

Agree with the above but don't tell yourself it would be burdening your Mum, if you have a good relationship then talk to her.

I had multiple miscarriages. I also was so ill after one labour with our kids that I worried I was going to die. It was a very lonely time. My DH also worried I was going to die.

We found we couldn’t really comfort each other after the miscarriages or after the worrying I was going to die . It was a shock because usually we’re each others go to person. We just both had such strong emotions and needed to handle them in such different ways.

We sorted ourselves out individually as best we could and forgave each other for not being quite what the other wanted.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss 💐

You might find counselling helpful, you can contact

The Miscarriage Association or Cruse Bereavement Care

This is MN so everyone’s going in hard on your DH which just isn’t fair. No one has heard his POV and he already feels a certain way, I don’t think that encouraging negative feeling towards him is going to help either of you.

Im so sorry you’re going through this, it’s hit you hard understandably and, all though of course it’s different, your DH is going through something too.

It doesn’t sound like you looking at this and taking it on as a team, you could benefit from reconnecting and asking DH to open up a bit so you can process your grief together, without blame, however that looks.

You should try therapy, perhaps together, try and understand what each of you and feeling and thinking right now.

Thank you for the replies. I think I definitely need counselling to process all of this. I have all kinds of bad feelings like possibly the mc was my fault, and I shouldn’t have got pregnant and risked my life as that is incredibly unfair to my two children, and maybe I should have booked in for the medical management sooner (which I delayed for a work deadline) etc etc etc. I’m haunted by memories of the bloodbath and how it all played out - I was down on my hands and knees manically cleaning blood stains off the bathroom floor so the kids wouldn’t see it while basically still bleeding out. 111 called an ambulance for me thank god.

DH is not a demonstrative person. I don’t think he’s struggling personally with grief or fear, more that he feels inadequate when faced with mine, so he’s just opting out. i suspect he might be relieved that we’re not having another child, which is the thing that hurts the most. I can tell he just wants me to hurry up and get back to normal.

I think you’re right though that I’m better off accepting that this is how it is and looking for support elsewhere than causing fights right now, as that won’t help or change anything.

Reflection is useful. Rumination is destructive and chronic rumination is a key feature of crippling depression. You’ve been through a lot. I would personally recommend EMDR type therapy. I also wonder if short term anti depressants or something (I’m not a medic) would help get your hormonal/ chemical balance back stabilised. It must be all over the place given what you’ve been though. Take care.

i always say that people become “themselves but more so” in these types of situations. It sounds from what you describe this is true for both you and your DH.

You need help. Real help. It is available. You don’t need anyone else to recognise that to go get it. Although it’s hard to do when feeling so tough.