Boys in relationships are more likely to say they experience violent or controlling behaviours (57%) compared to girls (41%).

[RemieK]

The news included details of this report. Interesting stats, given the bad press that men are given on here.

Our young adults need much more support to develop effective, safe and equal relationships.

youthendowmentfund.org.uk/reports/children-violence-and-vulnerability-2024/boys-girls-experiences/

Interesting... I wonder are they heterosexuals only or does it include boy/boy relationships.

I think many women are controlling, this doesn't surprise me but i find the womens violence stat harder to believe

It's violence OR controlling behaviour.

I wonder if the boys and girls are both talking about similar controlling behaviour? Or defining 'controlling' in the same way?

It would be interesting to know if the boys were more likely to be aware of (and therefore acknowledge) a bad relationship compared to girls who are more likely to be in coercive relationships and therefore don't "see" the controlling aspect of it. Just go to the Relationship board and so many women talk about a small problem with their decent and loving man but if you look at the relationship as a whole it screams abuse with a very nasty partner.

I suppose I'm asking if they state what they consider violence in the survey. Many women/girls downplay it when a man throws things or punches walls and kicks doors but that falls within the meaning of violent relationship so that might screw the stats for a start.

Many men (and presumably boys too) don't like having their womenfolk pulling them up for their shitty behaviour and accuse their partner of being 'controlling' because she's given them an ultimatum.

So I would take this survey with a very large pinch of salt indeed.

It doesn't surprise me. Young women have been "moving up" the league tables in respect of violent behaviours for some time now. Studies suggest that this isn't just a UK phenomenon either - both the US and Canada are seeing the same trend. In fact there was a report - I can't recall the exact details now - that said that violence against the person was now the most commonly reported "young female crime" whilst shoplifting was the most common if you factored in all women.

I mean..
My ex used to tell everyone I was controlling.
He broke my jaw and stabbed me in the shoulder. Knocked me unconscious.. strangled me. Which I guess he'd justify by saying I was trying to control him... by suggesting he not drink that night as he had work at 5am.

I'm sure there are many men and boys out there who are being abused and controlled. In fact my DH genuinely was in an abusive relationship with a woman before me who he actually had to get a restraining order against (and this is true I was there when it was granted) and it sounded horrific and traumatic.

There are also lots of men and boys who will claim any type of negative reaction to anything they do, any type of request of them, by a woman ,is "controlling" Any type of emotional reaction a woman has is "manipulative"

I think it's certainly possible to be in an abusive relationship regardless of gender.. and I think it may even be equal between men and women when it comes to emotional abuse..
But I absolutely do not buy that more men and boys are getting emotionally abused by girls than vice versa.

Same. How many of the boys call it controlling "when she won't let me flirt with other girls". If there's any Andrew Tate influence at all then "controlling" would simply be the girl speaking up, not controlling.

Controlling (to me) is when someone's words or actions change someone else's thoughts or actions. So like, if you think twice about wearing that dress because your boyfriend will sulk, he's controlling, even if you end up wearing it anyway. But a lot of people (of both sexes) think a partner having basic expectations of respect and courtesy is "controlling" their innate disrespect!

Interesting report having read more. Sad reading back through the thread that many are defending women and questioning the validity of the reporting.

In my experience of DM/step DM to six boys and having two brothers, the statistics do represent our family experiences, controlling behaviours displayed by a number of girlfriends/wives over the years. Behaviours have ranged from parting the boys from their friends, making threats about work choices, physical and verbal abuse, undermining choices, treating our family poorly by exclusion etc.

I've tried to support DS’s with good communication, by listening and by supporting them to work through managing these controlling situations. Important has been maintaining one on one time with my DS’s. Not often, but an occasional time to meet and talk as individuals rather than in a couple.

Meetings have included a chance to discuss my DS’s behaviours too. Supporting them to think through their part and their choices.

I do think as a parent, we should model good behaviours and support our adult children to be responsible and to have sometimes difficult conversations.

The most equal and relaxed relationship has been one DS who is gay. Their relationship is much more equal as it the way they treat both families.

Yes, let’s just not believe them because they're men. 🙄

You have missed the point by miles.

Well indeed.

My ex will tell anyone who listens that I (and both the other women unfortunate enough to have children with him, yes he has 4 kids by 3 women) was "controlling".

If one was to dig deeper, one might uncover such examples as "she took all my money".

Ex refused to have a bank account because Reasons. So his wages got paid into my bank account. I was then expected to sort all bills out, and pay the rent, which left very little spare for things like food. Ex thought I should give him £100 every week in cash for pub trips. Except that would have left a minus balance, so I didn't give him £100 in cash every week. I gave him £100 every month on his pay day, which was already more than we could afford for pub trips, and he never ever let up on how I was "taking all his money". So controlling.

Another example: I expected him to come home and do some parenting at weekends instead of going straight to the pub after work on Friday for a 48 hour bender and then rolling in to the family home on Sunday afternoon to shower and sleep it off. Very controlling of me, I'm sure you'd agree.

So yeah wevs. A lot of men don't really have much of a handle on what "controlling" actually means, I suspect.

In other words, for a lot of men, any attempt to get them to behave like reasonable responsible adults is "controlling" and makes them very upset!

3 things could be happening here
Things that men/boys do are being misrepresented as women doing them
Women/girls are becoming more violent and controlling
Women/girls are putting up with less shit and men/boys are complaining about it.

I know which one/s I think it is.

Said it before I will say it again

Ex husband ripped our one year old out of my arms tearing off my fingernails (to jagged stumps) one of the nails caught his arm leaving a scratch he threatened me with the police for assault told everyone I attacked him and showed everyone the scratch as "proof" he didn't call the police as everyone wanted him too because he decided to "give me another chance" I found out from his first ex wife (after my divorce) he did similar to her except she did fight back and he was able to get her cautioned by the police for assault because she bruised him

We're talking 13-17 year olds here. Without wishing to stereotype, me, and the other girls I knew at those ages were more 'sorted' than the boys. Looking at my son's schoolmates I see similar - there is a maturity/forward planning gap.

I wonder if that explains the stats - I'd be interested to see an example of the controlling behaviour from each side. Whilst I wouldn't be surprised to see jealousy going in both directions, I think that demands for nudes will only go one way, and that the girls will be more likely to be telling the boys how to spend their money/where they should be going together - eg. one is trying to control 'the relationship' and one is trying to control the person.

Was just about to say the same thing.

I’m too old to believe this to be honest.

I think they need to sex-disaggregate the data - it's all very well saying Surprisingly, boys in relationships are more likely to say they experience violent or controlling behaviours (57%) compared to girls (41%).

But when the examples range from sending constant messages to check up on you, to sharing explicit videos of you, there's more to be seen here (and it's suspicious that they're hiding it)

Especially when the first paragraph says that boys are twice as likely to admit they've committed violence than girls.

Also he got his ex fiance arrested and she now has a record he accused her of trying to stab him the neighbours heard shouting and arguing saw him run to his car and drive away fast he went straight to the police looking dishevelled and upset they went to her house she was drunk they arrested her case closed

I'm guessing men usually do their abuse physically, whereas woman usually do their abuse mentally which isn't recorded as easily.

Have a look through the Stately Homes threads. Count how many instances where the abuser is the poster's mother, sister, grandmother, SIL etc. Is it not possible that all those women who are so abusive to the other women in their lives may also be abusive to the men?

Absolutely this, we need to know more about the qualitative research methods of the study x

Yet another person here with an ex who used to call me “controlling” and “a control freak” (and probably says the same to anyone who will listen following our separation) yet when I would ask him to explain what behaviours he found controlling so that I could stop being controlling was weirdly unable to name a single specific way in which I was controlling.

Violence in general. Not domestic abuse. Also, remember an assertive woman is labelled aggressive etc so could be similar narrative. From being alive as a woman was watching the daily abuse and or misogynistic attitudes turning up on nearly every post I read online about any subject - health, fitness, fashion, music, performing etc etc . I can say that this stat reeks of patriarchal bias. And I’d need a lot more academic dissecting of research. X

Yes it absolutely does happen but to make out that theres been a shift in power dynamic with these stats is wrong