If you are a reformed people pleaser...

[Needtonotgiveaduck]

How did you do it?

I'm trying very hard to put in boundaries with some close-ish family who are driving me crazy. But for some reason when it comes to actually doing what I want to do I just find it unbearably uncomfortable because I know that it'll come across as rude /a slight/ like I'm pulling away from them and they'll have a reaction (and maybe step up the behaviour that's annoying me in the first place) . I know what I need to do, it's just the actually DOING it is causing massive anxiety and over thinking. I've always tried hard to treat others well and to be kind to others where I can and I'm very empathetic and I'm scared of being made to feel like I'm not those things. But I really need this boundary.

Any advice on what's helped you/ practical steps you took or ways you rationalised it all out in your head?

I guess what I'm finding hard is that the thing I need to have a boundary with is something I know the other person won't see as being in ANY way unreasonable and they could quite easily turn it round on me and make out that I'm being unfairly harsh to them. Which logically I know I'm not I just don't have the mental space to dedicate to dealing with that any more than I have to deal with the constant over stepping that's happening.

Please help!

Could you explain, perhaps, in what way are people overstepping?

I totally understand what you mean op

I'm trying hard to become less of a people pleaser

I did it twice today at work!

Two people reached out to me asking questions, under the guise of really getting me to do it for them.

Not blurry likely!

I messaged back, oh here's XYZ template if you don't have it already, use this one

And the 2nd one, do I know the answer to XYZ??? I don't know, ask a colleague? Or check the database yourself?!

Honestly you just have to brave the discomfort. Especially the first time you hold a boundary, people can really react. It's worth it though! Don't JADE as Mn would say, don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Use 'unfortunately that doesn't work for me,' 'sadly I'm not available,' redirect the conversation, and so on. Good luck!

Following with interest as I need an answer to this myself. Could have written your post exactly, especially the part where you are scared of people's reactions when you set your boundaries. This is me. And it's far worse at this time of year due to extended time with family!

some things that helped me in similar situation

• Practice set phrases in front of the mirror - “unfortunately that doesn’t work for me” “ah I’m afraid I’m not available then”, “oh dear, that does sound difficult, what are you going to do about it?” So when you need them you can trot them out easily
• think ahead to the response you might get so you aren’t shocked or caught off your guard, and plan for how you are going to deal with it/have stock phrases ready in response
• admire people who can say no, and think “what would Mary say in this situation?”
• give yourself a treat every time you say no (not food!)

I went from people pleaser to distant but I’d reached my limit with them in the end so it was actually pretty easy.
Once you break the habit it’s not so bad so stand your ground.

I don't want to say too much incase it's outing but it's dealing with a family member who is just quite domineering but for various reasons I can't cut out completely. They are one of those people who make it extremely hard to say no because of how they phrase/ask things and while what they are asking isn't wrong in itself its the frequency and intensity of it that I'm struggling with. So that makes it hard to call out directly. Eg they'll say can we meet tomorrow, I'll say no I'm not free I have a lot going on and I have other priorities right now, I'll let you know when I'm ready to meet again, they'll immediately respond with ok so give me the date of when you'll be ready to meet. And then I feel pressured to commit to a date that might not even suit me.

Because I do have a lot of quite stressful things on my plate it's been easier up to now to just give a quick answer that essentially gives them what they want from each interaction rather than me having the emotional turmoil of worrying about coming across difficult or stubborn or being unreasonable.

I'm annoyed at myself too because I've worked REALLY hard on this over the years especially transformed myself in work and now I'm really good at pausing and thinking "I could do this for you, but should I do this for you" before I answer and that's helped me progress in my career massively... but in my personal life its a completely different kettle of fish.

Normally when I start to struggle with people like this I would just cut them out so i don't need to deal with it. My friend group is excellent but small as a result but I can't cut this person out.

You need to ask yourself why you’re so terrified of displeasing this person. Why would it matter if they had a low opinion of you? Why would they be able to continually hector you or feel entitled to your time and still expect you to feel positively about them, but you can’t say ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ without permanently forfeiting their good opinion?

I think because I can't just cut them off I'm worried about them becoming more difficult or demanding. Or having to have difficult conversations in person when I'm likely to have my child with me (lone parent so my child goes where I go) and its important to me that he's not exposed to negative/manipulative reactions from this person. So I've been working really hard to keep things pleasant but it's just emotional labour that I can't sustain.

I also worry that if they decided I was being difficult they'd support my ex husband more in his bid for custody (he's not a safe person) if they decide they have their own agenda?

"they'll immediately respond with ok so give me the date of when you'll be ready to meet"

In answer to that sort of thing, you could simply say "Okay, I'll check my diary and give you a call tomorrow then". If they keep badgering, tell them that you would rather check first and let them know tomorrow, as you wouldn't want to find you are double booked and have to let them down. It gives you breathing space and also puts you in control of the conversation.

Is this your mother, by any chance?

This book really helped me:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/People-Pleasers-How-Assertiveness-Self-Empowerment-ebook/dp/B0D5N7MKTF/ref=mpssa111?crid=2EQFFL3AGHAXF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.LumYt0eojyJ24HSHyMEUvhJObAavF7c2V7lMu7kuEMybyDkz554iNJYIoKZhD2rUkYKC3mlyo4bNG3R4nAk1-HRSNefw6n93tzH-cyeF7S4.2GEiULI34-MlgZ7JltktGyEIEfCz50vnXcV3bWk6J4&dibb_tag=se&keywords=people+pleasers+naumann&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1733357827&sprefix=people+pleasers+naumann%2Caps%2C160&sr=8-1

Their shit is their shit. It’s not your job to manage someone else’s emotions about you. They can only have as much of an impact on your life as you allow. It’s not a choice between ‘go along with all their demands’ and ‘no contact’.

…I know what I need to do, it's just the actually DOING it is causing massive anxiety and over thinking. I've always tried hard to treat others well and to be kind to others where I can and I'm very empathetic and I'm scared of being made to feel like I'm not those things. But I really need this boundary.

Any advice on what's helped you/ practical steps you took or ways you rationalised it all out in your head?

Learn to sit with that discomfort and not act on it. If something blows up, agree with yourself you’re not going to make a decision or send a response until the next day. If you get a text that triggers your need to do something, set yourself a deadline in a couple of hours’ time and don’t rush to fix the situation immediately. You need to unhook from your need to please.

Be prepared to make people unhappy, even if only for a short while initially. Learn to sit with the discomfort of making people unhappy. Let go of wanting to be liked. Over time you will see that your world won’t fall apart and people will take fewer liberties.

You also need to be prepared for people to up the ante to provoke a reaction. Stay calm. Hold the line. It’ll pass. They’ll move on to softer targets.

It won’t get better unless you’re prepared to sit with the discomfort. Focus on that end point when you need to stiffen your resolve.

I’ve just seen your posts about the custody situation. That doesn’t help but my advice about buying yourself time stands. It gives you time to assess what will work for you rather than being bounced into a response when you are emotional.

No not my mum. She also thinks this person is taking the piss but doesn't really have much by the way of suggestion in how to manage it.

Thanks some good ideas there, it's got to the point where I immediately feel anxious and stressed when I see their name on the phone so I absolutely need to slow it down so I can ground myself before I do anything else.

Broken record technique can be useful. When you tell them, “I need to check my diary before committing” they’ll try and distract and manipulate you into complying, just keep repeating “I need to check my diary before committing” try to avoid saying anything else.
grey rock technique - this is usually for narcissists and it can be a useful mindset when you’re a people pleaser who is being manipulated. Basically just do the bare minimum of whatever it is they’re demanding and try to be really boring while you’re doing it! So if they invite you round for a (usually one-sided) chat. Just listen with a neutral look on your face, say as little as possible, don’t ask any leading questions. Most importantly, don’t ever share your emotions with them. When they’re around, act like you don’t have any. If they ask you to do a job like get some shopping, get it slightly wrong eg. Wrong brand of biscuits, take ages doing it, tell them they didn’t have something they asked for, bring it round at a very inconvenient time etc etc it’s a way of weaning them off your people pleasing.
just a thought, if you are worried this person will interfere with your custody case then you really need to think about whether that is actually realistic. If so, and you are worried that they would deliberately cause issues for you (and your child) to manipulate you into doing things for them? They’re actually pretty nasty and could easily have narcissistic tendencies so worth looking at it through that lens too. Sounds like you are right to worry about your child being witness their drana, best to keep them away as much as possible. Try using your child as the excuse that you can’t do xyz as asked. Sign child up to a club that means you can’t do what you’re used to doing for this person. leave child in the car and just go to the door and say you’ve got to rush off.

try to cover what you want to say with cover versions that say similar but still keep it professional so to speak