Childhood Disclosures

[WhereElse]

I'm trying to post this quickly before I lose my nerve. Please be gentle with me because I am very close to the edge right now.

Recently my adult child disclosed something that happened during their childhood. I don't have anywhere else I can ask these questions.

Firstly, I am not disbelieving them. The reason I need to clarify a few facts is thus: earlier on in the evening, DC (adult, just to confirm) spoke of a traumatic event that happened to me, but spoke as if they were there. I'm trying not to give away too much information, but five years ago my husband and I found a dead body whilst we were on a country walk. DC1 was not present at the time, but heard the story of it afterwards. The same night that DC1 made the major disclosure mentioned in the second paragraph, they also spoke as if they had been present at the finding of the body, and spoke of how traumatising it was. DC1 was definitely not present.

The next bit is awful, and I'd advise those who might be affected by child SA to not read any further. DC1 disclosed that at the age of eight they were raped/had intercourse with a boy of the same age. I just wanted to know if this is something that is physically possible for a boy of eight. It sounds ridiculous but I'm honestly too scared to Google something like that.

I am extremely delicate right now and I'm plagued with intrusive thoughts. I'm doing all that I can to hold onto my sanity.

Reading this post back it seems to lack emotion - I can assure you that this is not the case. I am desperate.

I think keep these two things separate in your mind.

Re the dead body - It's quite common for something that is talked about within a family to become a collective memory even if not everyone was there. Did you discuss it as a family? One of my children very often appropriates other people's stories as their own or retells things as if they were there. I very gently point out that it was not possible for that to be true.

The SA revelation - write down everything they have said whilst it is fresh in your mind. Ask them if there is any thing you can do. If they are willing to talk more, ask for more details and record everything as factually as possible. Is it possible for children to sexually abuse each other? Yes - an abused child often acts out the abuse on others. Just bear in mind that disclosures are not always factually accurate and can be displaced from one person to another. A safeguarding officer told me a story of a child who disclosed SA from every member of her family except for the one person who was actually abusing her. Also it's possible that traumatic events become conflated and confused with time, memories are not always clear and we sometimes read more into things than were actually there. Whatever is going on with your DS, they need your love and support and understanding whilst you try to navigate what actually happened.

I can only imagine how upset you are feeling now.

Thank you for responding. I really do appreciate you taking the time.

The intrusive thoughts are incredibly overwhelming at present and it's hard to think straight. I'm very much hoping that I manage to get some sleep tonight (unlikely, given I struggle with chronic insomnia too) and that I can think more clearly tomorrow.

I'm struggling

I don't know how much difference it makes, but DC was fifteen when the body was found, so definitely old enough to differentiate between hearing a story and actually experiencing something themselves. Perhaps I'm clutching at straws here.

Does anyone have any thoughts? About the physical side of things? Is an eight year old boy physically able to do such a thing?

This question makes me VERY uncomfortable. I don’t think discussing children performing sexual acts is appropriate for this forum. It’s banned on Reddit.

You seem to be making this experience your child went through all about you and your intrusive thoughts and your mixed emotions and your doubts. Please don’t do that. I have no relationship now with my mum because she did exactly the same thing. It’s a horrible thing to have happen to you. Be there to support your child and get professional support for yourself away from that. To answer your question, yes, child on child abuse can and does happen. Nothing you have described would make me doubt this would be true.

I think you need to encourage your child towards counselling rather than get bogged down in whether or not what they say happened happened in exactly the way they believe. Realistically, there aren’t many other avenues to take this, beyond supporting their mental health: 8 is below the age of criminal responsibility and it’s unlikely the police are going to have much appetite or ability to investigate a historic claim about sexual activity between two very young same-aged children.

Get specialist help but I can see why you have mentioned both incidents though unrelated. There are people who hear stories and truly believe it happened to them, but this may or may not be the case here. Speak to the police specialists who can arrange for a formal statement etc.

As a side note, 8 is below the age of criminal responsibility

I have of course encouraged DC to seek help. Mental health services are pitiful though, and we aren't in a position to go private

They only remembered this recently. I'm aware that memories such as this can be buried.

They think that they may have consented at the time, although that obviously would not be informed consent. They don't hold the boy responsible.

I'm not trying to make this all about me but I am desperately trying to avoid hurting myself because the urge is very strong.

I don't know if either of these details are relevant but DC now lives in a city elsewhere in the country but visits regularly. The incident took place on a day when they were staying with their dad.

Is there anyone you can speak to in real life about this, for your own support? There’s nothing you, or her dad, could have done to prevent this. No parent thinks of children of this age having any sexual awareness and every parent will have allowed their 8-year-old to play with other 8-year-olds unsupervised. If what your DD remembers happening happened, this boy was very likely himself being sexually abused by an adult in his life - he’ll have been a victim. It’s a sad situation all round.

Has your DD expressed what she wanted to happen by telling you this? If she acknowledges that a child that age can’t be held responsible and that this isn’t really an abuse situation, what was she hoping you might do? That should guide your feelings.