Feel like I’m annoying my friend and I don’t know why?

[FishOnTheTrain]

I have a friend who messages me/I message her from time to time. We meet up every few weeks and have a nice time but I can’t help but feel like I annoy her. A lot of the things I say she disagrees with and can be a bit snippy with me/takes a condescending or sarcastic tone. I’m getting to the point where her responses are annoying me, quite frankly it comes across as a bit rude.

I know I should confront her about it but I can’t tell if I am just being sensitive (which I can be) and realise it could damage the friendship. What do I do? Back off a bit, don’t reply? I feel nervous I will say something or do something wrong. She never used to be like this…I would like to get back to how her friendship used to be.

@FishOnTheTrain I know I should confront her about it.

I wouldn't, in your shoes. This is how she is. It may be that the way the friendship used to be is her real self that she no longer covers up.
I'm not sure what makes her a friend to you, but I wouldn't like this kind of behaviour, and I would fade the relationship.
If you do get something useful out of the connection, I think you would be best served by just accepting that this is her nature and enjoy anything constructive she does provide.

Your friend is taking out her own issues on you.
If anyone constantly disagrees/ snippy/rude then they are using you as a way to manage their own emotions.
We all disagree from time to time but an emotionally healthy person would agree to disagree/ say nothing as you liking x she liking y is OK or if the disagreement was not in her moral code step away.
She's crossing boundaries, getting a hit every time she is nasty to you
Firmly ask her to stop or step away.

Ps if you confront her she will turn the blame on you
People like this love to blame when you react to their abuse.

I would be curious about what has changed. Is she struggling with something in her life that you might not know about? But yes, of course you can withdraw a bit. That would be a natural reaction and would perhaps prompt her to reflect on her behaviour.

It may be something about you which she finds really difficult to tolerate too. I’m afraid I’ve become a bit like this with a friend of long standing. She really grates on me because her viewpoint is very rigid and she’s very unwilling to be flexible in her outlook or try to understand anything from anyone else’s point of view. She’s very self absorbed and intolerant . Has no interests, no cultural curiosity and very little interest in others. I didn’t notice it as much in the past but since we started messaging a lot more often I’m much more aware of it. Also she’s rude to people if we go out. She will complain endlessly about her problems but has less
and less tolerance for hearing about mine or offering any support. She’s really draining. Maybe it might be worth looking at your own behaviour.

What does she disagree with you on? Is it a difference of political views, like she doesn't find yours acceptable?

Just because society is split along so many fault lines recently that it's taking its toll on relationships.

It’s rude of her. It could be that she’s stopped making an effort to be nice over time or it could be that you have changed too, and you haven’t noticed. I have a friend who has gradually become a hypochondriac. It irritates me. I know I sometimes struggle to be kind to her. Be really honest with yourself. Could it be anything you are doing?

I don’t know if there is anything you can fix by speaking to
her though. She’s not obliged to behave in any particular way. She’s not your child or partner. It might be time to gradually phase the friendship out.

I’m aware it could be me. She’s very very headstrong and I am more go with the flow. I think this is what annoys her. But I’ve always been the same and we are all different. I am not disorganised in anyway, quite the opposite. But I don’t need to have every plan laid out like she does.