DD doesn't want diagnoses

[Anothernamechane]

I've posted this in SEN but I think it's been buried there so posting in Chat for visibility. Please be kind!

DD11 has an appointment with an Educational Psychologist tomorrow after some years trying to get a referral. I suspect ASD but it could be something else as her symptoms don't quite fit into a box. She is very sensitive about being "different", struggling socially and frightened of not being liked.

Tonight she's gotten very emotional about the appointment and says she doesn't want a diagnosis, just wants to be "normal" and have a normal high school experience. We're in Scotland so she goes to high school next year.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I know I can't force her to engage but do feel like a diagnosis would help her understand herself and access support if she needs it for exams etc. I'm also worried about her academically as she's very behind in some subjects and still counting on her fingers.

I'm so glad you posted as I was thinking that really for the ops dd tomorrow is looking at strengths and weaknesses and possible suggestion for help. So could be approached in a completely positive way.

It depends on whether a diagnosis is necessary or helpful at that point. I supported my daughter's right to choose not to have an assessment at 14. We talked about it. I didn't think a diagnosis would make any difference to what we did at that time. A year later an assessment became important, so I did the parenting thing and told her she was having an assessment. As long as parents are sensible about it and willing to step in if needed, letting the child have some choice when older is okay.

Research shoes that individuals with mental health diagnosis, like neurodiversity (as opposed to physical health) experience a lot of stigma throughout their lives from the label. I do think it should be the child's choice whether they are given that label, as it will impact them and their self perception throughout their lives

Is the stigma primarily from the label though? Or the condition? I'm not sure how you can separate that out.

Thanks for everyone's perspective it's been really helpful- especially the insight into what an educational psychologist does. I wasn't expecting a diagnosis tomorrow of course - understand this is more like the start of the pathway but it'll help me explain to DD what she can get out of the appointment.

She's asleep after being very upset then coming around. This is the most I've been able to get out of her about how she feels - she's clearly struggling even more at school than I thought. She's not being bullied, but feels like an outsider and that she has to seek people out to spend time with them rather than ever being invited. She feels like there's something wrong with her that her school friends don't like which is heartbreaking because she's really a lovely kind girl.

Best of luck tomorrow OP

I have been back and forth with my teen DD.

We all, including teachers, strongly suspect she has ADHD.

But she, point blank, will not get diagnosed as she doesn’t want a label and I think there is a part of her that wants to prove everyone wrong. Or she wants to prove to everyone that she can do well without any assistance regardless, however weird that sounds.

We are all just waiting it out for now. She knows we are all primed and waiting for her to change her mind. And her lovely, supportive school has subtly made some adjustments for her already.

I think you need to let her take the lead but at the same time gently encourage her and let her know this door is always open.

In our case, my daughter felt stigmatised just by having the struggles she did. Having the 'label' in the end made her feel less stigmatised. She understand why she was a bit different and that it wasn't a failure on her part. It was very liberating. I was surprised just how helpful and wonder if I should have insisted on the assessment sooner.

We have a diagnosis now @Bleachbum , came after a mental health breakdown in sixth form.

Research shoes that individuals with mental health diagnosis, like neurodiversity (as opposed to physical health) experience a lot of stigma throughout their lives from the label. I do think it should be the child's choice whether they are given that label, as it will impact them and their self perception throughout their lives

In our experience, DD has experienced subtle bullying at school and two workplaces - by people, before she was diagnosed at 22; and after, who didn’t know she had a diagnosis, because of the symptoms of her ND. For instance, she can’t make small talk, she has to work differently (by breaking tasks down into chunks), and she struggles with concentration. Her manager used to say to her “Why can’t you just be like everyone else? Why can’t you read professional journals on the shop floor like they do? Who do you need to go into the consultation room? Why do you need to break tasks down - just do it the same way as me?”

Having seen what’s happened to her, imo it’s naive to think NTs don’t know there is something different about ND people, even though they don’t know what it is.

Yes, exactly. Having the diagnosis does make people more understanding and accommodating. I've only found people willing to help, not stigmatise.

So sorry, didn’t mean to quote you, meant to “thanks” you. I’m hoping that my DD will change her mind like yours sometime soon.

I hope your DD is on the road to recovery following her breakdown 💐

I count on my fingers if I'm too lazy to get my phone out and I'm 38 and run my own business, I don't see what it has to do with anything.

The problem with a diagnosis is people get, "it's because you're XYZ" instead of seeing them as an actual person. By the time they're adults they're blaming anything and everything on it and using it as an excuse.

Children normally stop needing to count on their fingers to do simple mental maths by age 8. She's struggling to mentally do sums like 5+3. It could be a sign of dyscalculia

Can she reframe things in her mind?

So this isnt about diagnosing her as being different.

This is about looking at why she feels different in some areas and feels like she's struggling and what help and support she can get to make her feel better about herself?

How did you get on Op did she go to the appointment?

After all that the educational psychologist called in sick - can't be helped but it was upsetting tbh. The school spent some time talking me through what she does and doesn't do and brought DD into the room to reassure her. Focus is on transition to high school and she's having an extended transition with extra visits in the New Year. Diagnosis is a long way off but we're on the same page in terms of what her issues are so they're seeing the same things as me

I really feel for her.

After becoming more aware over the last few years it’s eventually dawned on me that I am likely to be autistic. I have no intention of getting this on my medical records (I have quite enough hassle from a mental health diagnosis).

I would consider a private diagnosis one day but I would not be sharing it with anyone.

I’m honestly not sure how it would have played out when I was her age if I had been assessed but likely I would have felt the same as she does. It was bad enough having one thing “wrong” with me let alone two.

Knowing it’s likely had helped me understand myself a bit more and taken some of the pressure off but I don’t think a diagnosis would change much for me personally.

Nightmare, but be warned she's 11, by the time it comes to actual diagnosis (5 years for us) they need to give their permission and sign to agree.
My 13 refused. Initially I was told if he changed his mind or something, he'd go back to top of list then got another letter saying he'd been discharged and would go back to the end of the queue.

Thanks @Bleachbum , all the wheels are back on and absolutely thriving as a person. Really happy to understand how they’re made. Everything is going well, friends, work, excelling academically. Still medicated.

Our assessment was done privately in conjunction with treatment by a psychiatrist, CAHMS and waiting lists were far too long here.

So sorry to hear your appointment was cancelled OP. 💐