Am I a f*ck up

[Mehi]

I constantly analyse myself as a mum. Constantly worried I’ve ruined my kids (3 and 1)

eldest is very shy with strangers in public and in soft plays etc. avoids kids he doesn’t know takes time to warm. Okay with the kids in nursery absoloutely fine

Im so anxious as a person and I’ve been worse since DS2. Especially as he’s been a tough baby. Cried a lot never let me move wouldn’t go to even his dad so poor eldest has barely had time with me alone as youngest had been so clingy

i I had depression not long after having DS2. And along with being so anxious I just worry I’ve made him a very shy toddler :(

I think as he’s got a cousin who’s 2.5 months younger on DH side they get compared and they say his cousins ‘naughty’ etc but he sounds more confident etc

its been a long day haha you can tell I’m a bit overwhelmed as I’m questioning if my son being polite (says please and thank you even to strangers) and quite well behaved (he can be ‘naughty’ - don’t like that word) for us but not really others - is normal!

Have you spoken to the GP about your anxiety? You don’t want it being picked up by the LO’s

Get some help for your anxiety and try to encourage your children to push themselves.

Your kids sound a bit like my kids at the same age. So if you've messed up then I have too, big time. But mine are nearly teenagers now and both are great company, funny and confident at home. My eldest can be a bit more shy especially in new situations. My youngest would warm up much quicker in new situations and be more chatty. But I'm quite quiet/shy/introverted and my eldest is very like me in lots of ways. I would say I'm not overly anxious though.

When they were wee we would go to toddler groups. They would often be the shy ones clinging to my legs. I would try to chat to the other mums (really hard for me!) and let my kids join in when they were ready. Both were absolutely shocking sleepers. Luckily they were both really well behaved when our and about. Sat nicely, no throwing stuff about, old ladies used to come up to us in cafes saying how nice it was to see well behaved kids! Not sure if that was down to our parenting or if it was just in their nature or both (I'd like to think).

As the others have said, think about speaking to someone about your anxiety. You don't want that ruling your life and how you parent your kids.

Dd was terribly shy of men except my dh and my df. Even her uncles would have to push her to look at them (which she did love - she just couldn’t make the first move).

In year 3, I had had enough so made arrangements for her to have a male teacher (he was rostered for the year so it wasn’t a special arrangement) and it worked really well. Two years later, she was asking for water at the bar of a pub on her own and I was complimented by the barman later on her beautiful manners.

Now, apparently, she can tell stroppy customers to “fuck off” ever so politely.

Some kids are shy. Some adults stay shy but over the years they learn techniques. And sometimes little brains take a little while to develop that bit.

Most of us criticise ourselves too much. Please talk to a gp about how overwhelmed you feel 🌺

You can’t have ruined a 3 year old at all. And it’s ok to think about your strengths and weaknesses as a parent. BUT you sound like you’re agonising over things. You sound like anxiety is really impacting your life and eventually it would affect your kids. So time to work on that. Approach your GP. There are lots of things that can help.

Definitely get some kind of support for your anxiety if you haven't already, you want your children to have a happy, healthy childhood, not being anxious or missing out on opportunities/friendships because of you.

Thanks I think I need to. I do tend to try and mask with my kids. We go out a lot I go to Rhyme time at the library, play centres, and they go to nursery. On weekends when they’re cousins are down (their cousins live an hour away but pop down to visit grandmas) I ensure we go so they can socialise with them too as well as grandparents

so I do try my best I just constantly analyse myself as a mum? And the fact DS is shy made me riddled with guilt. I try to help him without forcing if that makes sense? So with rhyme time I stay further out with him if he wants then when he’s more comfortable I encourage him to join the circle (e.g. get the instrument and sit in the mat etc)

thanks for reassuring I havent ruined him. I feel so guilty for having another baby it’s silly I know as I love my youngest he is so amazing. I just felt so bad as I said I got depressed a little and again tried to mask but did he notice in those early Months?

No, he didn’t notice the early months. At that age, children don’t compare. They live the life they are given.

Are you looking at influencers on tiktok etc and wondering why you don’t live the same life? If so, stop.

Your son starts off shy but warms up and joins in. Going well.
You get out and about regularly so he makes friends. Going well.
He sees close family who love him regularly. Going well.
If he is clean, fed, sleeping properly, speaking ok and showing a little bit of good manners, he is living a good life.