How to support a friend who has a premature baby

[Hello113]

My friend had a baby a few days ago and she is 5 weeks early. The baby girl is going to be in NICU for the foreseeable. She is on breathing support at the moment. They live 250 miles away, I went to see her before the baby arrived and took a bag of gifts for my friend and for the baby. I just want to know how I can best support my friend and also what are helpful and unhelpful things to say? It's hard when they live so far away but I just want to support my friend however possible.

Maybe ask if she needs any stuff/any stuff from home and bring it to her? Take her snacky food of various sorts. Listen to her if she wants to talk about it all.

Send support and love. Make it clear you don't expect a reply.

Vouchers for food places near hospital and/or cook type meals for home will probably be appreciated.

It's hard when you are so far away.

Just be there to talk to of she wants it. If you’re looking to get a gift, Deliveroo vouchers or similar are great because I doubt she will have time/ want to cook and she can use them to get things delivered to the hospital too. It removes a chore for her.

I can't do that unfortunately because she lives 250 miles away

I had a premie baby and friends sent me premie clothes as I hadn't got any clothes that fit the baby. And size 0'nappies. Basically stuff I hadn't planned for. That was helpful.

My ds was 5 weeks prem.. We went home when he was a week old... I would have loved a treat food parcel!!

Vouchers for food places or for a cleaning company is a good shout or offer your time if you're able to visit and make it clear you are there to cook and do practical tasks or drive them to the hospital and don't expect to be hosted in any way. Be available, check in with no expectation of a reply, send little care packages, be ready to celebrate their wins no matter how small they seem, praise her for all she's doing, don't push for information or photos etc but be receptive to what she offers. Tell her about the things going on with your day to day.

Don't say things like "at least the baby is still alive" or " when you're ready you can have another that won't be premature" these things were said to me. I'm sure you wouldn't as you sound really supportive. She's lucky to have you.

Can you post her a treat package - some nice foods but also energy balls etc and magazines or puzzle book. Theres often lots of time not doing much with a prem baby in hospital but no concentration to do much. Sitting down puzzle books next to my baby’s incubator is a fixed memory to me

This. My first baby was 6weeks premie and I only had newborn onesies which drowned her. The nappies in the hospital were all two big and leaked.

Some small sized baby outfits would be a lovely and helpful gesture I think. Also maybe somerhing nice for mum like slippers or a dressing gown as you live in them especially with a premie baby who tend to be more demanding in the early days.

I also think it's very kind of you to seek advice on this. You seem like a very thoughtful friend x

My baby was 9 weeks early. I really appreciated preemie clothes and nappies. Also a really good hand cream as my hands were cracked and sore and bleeding all the time from the constant hand washing with NHS soap

Send cake! My baby was six weeks early and my body knew she was early and tiny. It wanted to make gold top for her. I was expressing so the fat content was visible and it was insane. My body needed all the cake!

Just listen to her, send a food delivery thing or meals box for freezer if you think that might help them as it really helped us eat actual meals while our baby was in NICU. I would send her some hand cream, face moisturiser, soft pjs, to look after herself when she is home in between NICU visits.

Thank you. I've never been through it so I just wanted to find out from others how best I can support her.

I know someone in this situation and a friend sent them a package that they thought was lovely. The package contained a few sweet treats but more importantly a couple of hand creams. They were good ones that worked because she was constantly washing her hands and then applying alcohol sanitizer. Also a couple of glossy magazines for when she was in the hospital with her baby asleep.

Another vote for clothing and smaller nappies - we were not prepared for how small our babies were and I remember dh having to go clothes shopping while the rest of us were in nicu.

i would centre conversation on the positives - she has a beautiful baby, baby seems to be putting on weight, asking about personality, etc. I really wanted anyone to tell me it would be okay and to have ‘normal’ conversations about dc that didn’t centre around health and possible bad outcomes. Also accept that your friend may not want to talk for a bit - when things weren’t going well I didn’t want to talk about it because it made it more real.

when your friend is home, send food. Small babies need to eat more frequently, which means sleep is more disrupted than usual. Having nice food on hand, or being able to get a delivery, made me feel looked after and took something off my plate.

Our DC was quite prem and we had not bought anything. Once I was out of danger and admitted to the ward next to NICU and SCBU our friend arrived with a lot of useful stuff I didn’t even know I would need. Big pads, a pillow and other self care stuff. Baby unit provided all the baby clothes and nappies whilst babies were in NICU/SCBU.

Lots of friends sent small baby clothes once we knew when DC was coming home.

I would say the thing not to say at any point is anything that minimises what mothers (and fathers) go through with traumatic births and NICU experiences. I’m sure you won’t but it was eye opening how many people told me ‘it was all worth it’ and ‘you have your child to think of now’. We were always thinking of our child but as hinted above it was a super traumatic birth I had to work through emotionally and physically for many months afterwards.