Bereavement as a child: Is it normal to feel incredibly upset now?

[SignificantSalamander]

24 years ago my father died when I was 14 years old. It was a huge shock. He had a stroke and went to hospital and then died there 5 days later. My mum told me when he was ill that everything would be fine, he'd get better etc but obviously that wasn't the case. After his death my mum also consoled us by saying at least we'd had a week to get used to the situation, he would have been disabled if he'd lived so it was better he died 😕but all this was confusing to me.

The day after he died I was back at school, I decided to just get on with things. I had the day off school for the funeral but that was it. No teachers talked to me about it, I didn't have any counselling or anything. Whenever death came up at school e.g. in a book, I would panic and feel anxious to be reminded of it. At home we talked about him but not about his death or the period when he was ill. We've never discussed it.

My attitude was just to get on with things and keep my head down. My mum is probably autistic, my brother is diagnosed as autistic (Asperger's basically) and had always had a difficult time at school so I knew I had to keep my head down and not make more trouble for my mum.

Fast forward many years to 2024. A few weeks ago I thought I had cancer, turns out I don't (which is great). I was so worried about dying and messing up my kids ' lives. Then I told my line manager about it before I told my mother because I knew she would say 'You'll be fine'. She did, and it just reminded me of my dad being ill (and convinced me I did have cancer). Since the doctor said I'm ok, I've struggled to shake this feeling of sadness and grief. I keep feeling so anxious and crying and I wonder if it's so sort of delayed grief or trauma from my father's death that I haven't actually thought about. Is this a thing?

I think the circumstances of a loss can play a massive effect on how we deal with things . I can remember my dad passing away when I was 17. I went to school the next day and told no-one. I'm now 55. I remember about 5 yrs ago getting tearful when i was talking to my then boyfriend about my dad. He made me realise that I had never really come to.terms with my dad's death. I like you did not expect it. I would say yes, that it is perfectly possible to hsve this delayed reaction OP. My reaction to my mom passing away when I was 50 was more measured. I accepted it. She was unwell and I don't feel ' robbed'. Sending u best wishes OP.

Thank you. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow so hopefully she will help.

That good to hear.

I think it’s absolutely no surprise this is coming up for you now. Dh and I both lost our dads as teenagers. The trauma bubbles up when you get to either the age you experienced the loss yourself with your own dc or you get to that age or life stage yourself. My dad died of cancer, very quickly, within 4 weeks of being diagnosed. I am younger than he was but also recently diagnosed with cancer.

It was a complete headf&*k! I literally started planning that I wouldn’t be here for Christmas. I may die sooner than I should, but I’m hopefully not going to die in the next year. But it’s been incredibly traumatic. It’s just unprocessed grief without a supportive emphatic parent. My mum too didn’t tell me his cancer was terminal until after he died, even though she knew he’d never come home from hospital, never wake up from the coma, etc. She just said better I didn’t know too many details. But it took away my chance to say goodbye and to properly grieve.

I will say though that therapy helped a lot. It was to address a totally separate issue, but it helped me to get my head around what it’s meant to have an emotionally unavailable parent. It’s not my fault and my therapist was able to validate the feelings that no one in my family ever would, which was incredibly healing and helped me just sort of put that all behind me and move on with my life.

If you're on Facebook there's a group called adults bereaved as children. We share our experiences and thoughts with others who get it. I think it's normal for it all to come out later, especially as typically people were encouraged to suppress their feelings at the time - be a good girl, be grown up for mum/dad, don't upset whoever.

Yes, it’s common to feel grief for a long time or to feel it much later. Especially if the grief wasn’t processed. But not only then, since having lost someone we love just is very sad.

But it sounds like that’s also mixed up for you with having to deal with the way your mother hides from grief and worry by declaring everything to be ok. That’s psychologically protective for her (at least in the short run), and god knows we all need coping mechanisms, but hasn’t been great for you.

In particular it meant you didn’t get to come to terms with your loss when your dad died. So no wonder you feel a lot now after this scare and seeing your mother’s reaction to it.

Thank you. I've been very confused by my feelings and it helps so much to have people understand this.

Of course what you are feeling is incredibly normal, you poor thing. Especially because you weren’t helped to process it as a child, didnt talk it through, or have the grief fully acknowledged, your mother somehow minimising the situation (whether to protect you, or because she herself didn’t know how to deal with it?). My mum, in her 80s, also I suspect autistic, is quite similar to the way your mum sounds — gliding over things, minimising, unable to hear or deal with difficult emotions.

my mum, like you, lost her dad as a child (albeit in WW2). His death was never properly explained to her, and quite frankly it has messed up a life. She suffered horribly with addictions (alcoholic) as an adult. As a result we kids suffered. Incidentally, she never saw her fathers death as the trigger for all her depression, but I’ve always made the link. She has lots and lots of trauma, bubbling under. Probably not helped by autism/ADHD?

You op, are making such a breakthrough in your own life by examining this and making the connection. Best of luck with your counsellor tomorrow. Hopefully you can talk and feel validated. Wishing you a peaceful future.

Hi OP, it sounds like a lot of unresolved grief (not that grief ever resolves). I've recommended before a podcast called Griefcast (you can get it on Spotify and other places). The presenter also lost her dad as a teen and this comes up as a theme in many episodes. It has really helped me and explores how we talk about loss. X

My DM died when I was in my 20's. I haven't accepted it, or processed it, not really. And I was an adult then.
The remaining parent suddenly becomes stripped bare, a child, needing help. As do relatives and the decreased friends. And you suddenly have to navigate an entirely new relationship with the (broken) surviving parent. It was a total head-fuck in my 20's. So, be gentle with yourself.

Tpy poor thing op, def a trauma that you weren't allowed to deal with at the time. It must have been so scary for you and doesn't sound like you had any support when you needed it

Saw counsellor today and she felt there was a lot that we could discuss. So hopefully this will be helpful.