Do you like living alone?

[HomeAlonely]

And if so, do you like it?

I've spent the best part of 30 years wishing that I did, and fantasising about the lovely tidy, clean, quiet etc home I'd have.

And now that, finally, I do live alone - I absolutely hate it :(.

I can't shift the mindset of it not being worth bothering about anything. So for eg, because it's "just me", I won't put the heating on, won't put any of my nice lamps on, don't bother lighting the candles, don't bother cooking etc.

Coming home to a tidy house is about the only thing I'm liking :(. How do I change this way of thinking? I feel miserable, lonely - and alone.

Are you looking to have a relationship again in the future? I always think you can't love anyone else until you love yourself, so I would focus on being kind to yourself.

I have been there myself and first time round I loved being alone, the second time (15 years later) i was in a similar headspace to what you are in now.

Maybe try and focus on enjoying small things, like making dinner for yourself - it doesn't have to be extravagant but just maybe try and get into a routine with it to start with.

Can you join any clubs or the gym or anything? Are you otherwise busy?

I live with my kids no partner but yes I loved living alone. Can't wait till I can again one day

I think to shift the ‘only me so not worth bothering about’ mindset, you need to really get in touch with yourself and what gives you pleasure and makes you feel regulated — an open fire, nice smells, warmth, good food etc.

I love living alone. (I am currently in a relationship, have plenty of friends and I live in an area full of amenities. It's admittedly different without those things). I love my nice lamps and candles. I like cooking whatever I want, or not bothering. I like that things stay clean and tidy. I like not answering to anyone or explaining what I'm doing. You want to drink champagne in bed on a Sunday morning? You can. You want to work on a craft project all evening? You can. Etc. It's a real luxury so maybe start to view it as a treat?

I love it, have lived alone the majority of my adult life is, and ideally will never share my home again - but I don't think it's living alone that's the problem for you, it's the mindset of only doing nice things (or basic things like heating) for someone else.

You are worth all those things and more - but I think women are so used to putting ourselves bottom of the pile so everyone else is happy and comfortable that it can feel a bit weird at first.

Could you start small like a pp suggested and maybe also think about ways you can make it easier to do? I don't love cooking but I do love having nice food, so try and make the effort to cook properly at least twice a week, then freeze stuff so that most of the time I have access to good food I really enjoy without having to do very much actual cooking.

Can you put heating on a timer so you don't have to think about switching it on for "just" you? And maybe make a list of all the small, low effort but lovely things you would enjoy and try and slowly introduce them? I think some of it is that it feels like a lot of effort and we're not used to expending effort on ourselves but I promise it's worth it.

Your reasons for not liking living alone seem a bit strange.
I'd understand if people felt a bit lonely, or didn't like coming in to an empty house after an evening out or something, but sure things like being able to have the temperature at the point you like, and deciding what to eat and when, without having to think about anyone else would be amongst the advantages of living alone ?

I couldn't cope having a partner in my home. I grew up feeling so lonely and wanted it so bad. It wasn't long and I realised I struggled with it.

I value being alone quite a lot.

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them!

The strange thing is, despite not liking living alone, I don't want to live with anyone again either. Certainly not permanently.

The things that I should now appreciate being able to do - like cooking meals I like - seem like too much effort for just one person. But this is maybe because I have 4 dc so have spent years cooking and clearing up, and right now, the effort of doing it just for myself isn't appealing.

I am actually quite busy but I'm still finding that, even on busy days, there's just too many hours of me being alone at home.

You'd think so wouldn't you?! I certainly thought so. Perhaps living alone isn't the problem, maybe it's more of a "thinking I'm worth it" problem.

I love it, I lived briefly with my ex in my 20s and thought it wasn't for me. I'm now in my 50s, no children.

I'm rarely bored, suit myself, enjoy the peace and quiet.

I'm seeing someone and he's the same, loves his own space and doing his own thing.

So at the moment you’re treating yourself as if you’re some kind of mean lodger who’s there to bully you. That wouldn’t be nice to live with!

Be a friend to yourself. Light the candles.

This made me smile :). Yes I'm being the landlady from hell to myself!

I've never lived with anyone! I love it

But I take the time to make the place nice for me so I burn the good candles, batch cook so I have a freezer full of lovely meals etc etc
The whole got to love yourself before anyone else and I'm worth it just as much

I live alone and I love it, but understand that your mind-set would definitely affect the amount of pleasure you get out of it.

i spent tge day alone yesterday. I had the fire lit, nice candle going, could watch whatever i liked on the telly and ate just about all the snacks in the cupboard. After 20+ years of cooking etc for a family I find looking after myself a doddle, so appreciate it.

How about reading some self-help books, or doing an online course on boosting your self-esteem? Make sure you meet up with friends. Have you considered that you might be depressed?

I think I might be actually . If not all-out depressed, then certainly not happy :(. 3 of my 4 dc have moved abroad this year indefinitely (not together), my 4th is at uni so I do at least see him, I've had a significant birthday recently, I've lost a couple of friends this year etc :(.

I love living alone would not change it either whats mine is mine.
Do what the bloody hell i want with no drama from a man or kids or pets,
My home is clean all the time i dont have to cook no mess no drama.
I have my home how i want it dont have to worry if im out late no rush to get home.
I can talk flirt and sleep with who i want (if they are single of course)
The list is endless.

I think it's more difficult for you because you've lived with people for, I'm guessing at least most of your adult life. I think it's hard to go from that to just yourself. I have lived alone for most of my adult life and it's both my normal and something I love. That said, I've always had cats so I never feel completely alone. Like any human being I occasionally feel lonely but mostly I just love my own company. I watch what I want, go to bed when I want, read in bed for as long as I want, get up when I want, eat what I want and when I've been out socialising and having a great time I love getting to cocoon with myself and "recover" from all that being an extrovert for a while spent energy.

I think allow yourself to feel this way for a while, but as others have said remember you're worth anything you used to do for others and more. Instead of thinking that it's going to stay like this or when oh when will it get better, know that it will and in the meantime treat yourself with kindness. Put up a tree if you like decorations, definitely light candles as suggested, make sure to see people when you want company, to be alone again when you're all peopled out. And you have the children who will be back and forth and who love you. You're not alone at all. You live alone which is different. One day soon you'll wake up and love the new habits and traditions you have.

It takes time. How you're feeling is not unusual and it is valid but whatever else you do, yet again, remember that you deserve all of the good things and that the whole "be kind" thing only works when the first person we're kind to is ourself.

Op - I can relate to this completely. I am currently living alone after previously having my dd with me. I am finding it difficult to motivate myself to cook, etc. I need to get out of this mindset but it’s difficult.

I love living alone. I can have the house exactly the way I want it.

You need to value yourself! You are worth lighting the candles! You are worth a nice meal that needs time making! You are worth having the heating on etc etc.

I treat myself with all nice things and there is nobody there to bother or question me.

I sort of live alone as my youngest has headed off to uni, but lived alone for decades before I met my late husband.
Sorry no neat and tidy house! I need regular visitors before it becomes a complete mess!
But I do enjoy it. I like eating cereal for dinner if I want, staying up til 3am watching Selling Sunset. I certainly view cooking for myself as a chore, but happy to light candles, open some wine, put the gas fire on! I'll even get a takeaway.
Having pets helps - it's nice to have other living creatures around.

Thank you so much for the replies, it's really good hearing other takes on this.

I need to change my mindset definitely, at the moment I'm of the "be careful what you wish for" mentality. I need and want to change that to "be grateful for what you have" mentality. I can feel myself sliding into that "can't be bothered" place.

On the back of this thread, I've just ordered some Christmas decorations - I wasn't going to bother because it'll just be me and dc4. He's not particularly into Christmas but I love it so I'm going to make the effort.

I now live alone for the first time in my life. My mother and I couldn't afford separate homes and for the last seven years I was her carer. Now she's had to go into a nursing home and at sixty I am at last alone. I'm in a retirement village where the main meal of the day is provided, so no cooking - I'm a non-cook so having to deal with all that work just for myself would piss me off, too. But turning lights or heating or cooling on doesn't come into the "it's just for me so not worth it" category. My comfort, my ability to see properly, (and yours, OP) are just as important as anyone else's. You're essentially stuck in the same mindset as the women who would make meals for the husband and children and then only get their scraps to eat. You matter! Enjoy your home now it's yours at last and you don't have to bother about others' tastes or needs or wants.

Glad to read your last message OP. Try to make some positive changes and take the time to look after yourself, as you would a friend.

But if you feel you're not making progress then maybe book some counselling for some professional help. You've been through some big changes, and a tough year, be kind to yourself.

Maybe those things you say value are the things you used to value in your previous life, including time spent alone! The adjustment to a new way of living requires a reevaluation of who you are now and what you really enjoy and value