DD friendship issues - Advice

[Slowhorses1]

DD is 8 ( young for her year 4). She has a friend (let’s call her Polly). DD and Polly have been good friends since the start of year 1 with no real issues.

Background is DD has suffered very badly from anxiety in Year 2/3. She’s managed it really well and is slowly coming out to he other side.

Polly is fun, and we all have a soft spot for her, get on with parents etc. However, she is extremely ‘extra’. She’s definitely neurotypical, she just gets incredibly excited and jumps on DD and shouts in her face etc. She’s also highly emotional, so if DD politely says she’s not up for playing Polly will lash out and start insulting DD saying she’s the worst person. Quite extreme stuff. I’ve seen this in person multiple times and have had to have words with Polly. She totally ruined DDs birthday one year by having tantrums over the smallest things and constantly arguing with everyone. Part of me was hoping she would mature out of it as they got older.

She also does this with other kids, not just DD, although it does seem to be worse with DD.

DD is finding it increasingly hard to deal with. If DD says she doesn’t want to be her partner for an activity, play a certain game, says she’s sitting next to someone else (for example ) Polly will either not stop harassing DD, or will have an enormous tantrum where she paints the picture of DD having been mean to her.

I just need some advice on what strategies I can give DD to deal with this whilst also not excluding Polly. I know part of this is standard playground nonsense which I don’t really want to get involved with. On the other hand I’ve seen Polly in action, and her behaviour can be pretty unacceptable sometimes.

Any advice greatly received.

Just bumping in case anyone has some wise tips

Have you talked to her school about it? I appreciate that you're helping your DD with strategies but Polly needs strategies too and school staff will have lots of experience of dealing with this sort of situation.

To be honest she does sound quite ND - how are you so sure she's not?

If DD is getting upset then I would encourage her to play with others and set firm boundaries, 'that's not nice Polly, I'm going over here because I need some space' that kind of thing. I'd also ask the teacher for some tips on how to deal with it perhaps?

Isn't your first step to talk to the class teacher? You need to know if this behaviour is being managed at school and how. A meeting with the class teacher would also give you the opportunity to agree strategies together eg reassuring your DD it's OK to quietly walk away if 'Polly' is shouting at her.

Yes I will speak to the teacher. I know DD has gone up to teachers in the playground to say she feels like it’s a bit much, but I get the impression they think it’s standard 8 year old nonsense and shrug it off.

We’ve had lots of rolling conversations with DDs teacher about her worries (which are now very managed), that I’ve been slightly loathed to add another problem to the list.

I agree with PP that you need to raise this issue with the class teacher. For classroom activities, the obvious strategy for DD not being Polly's partner all the time is for the teacher to give some direction about who partners with who and for those instructions to preclude the possibility of DD being partnered with Polly.

As per PP, I am also a bit puzzled as to why you are so sure Polly is neurotypical. The absence of a diagnosis does not necessarily mean she is NT.

You’re right, I can’t be entirely sure she’s not neurotypical. But I really don’t think she is. She’s just honestly quite dramatic, is a little bit of a show off, and gets excited easily.
i could be wrong of course

@Slowhorses1 how does your course of action change if Polly is or is not ND? I'm genuinely interested as to why you think it's an important point. She's either a ND child who hasn't learnt to regulate in this social situation yet, or an NT child who hasn't learnt to regulate in this social situation yet.

Ultimately, Polly's behaviour is causing upset to your child, so there's two things you can do - build your child's resilience so she is less upset by it and give her strategies to deal with it when it happens. I agree that the class teacher is your first step to agree the strategies she can use. I would also suggest encouraging DD to use her "I" phrases when dealing with someone's behaviour that you don't like - "I feel sad when you call me names Polly, I'm going to walk away."

Thanks @UniversalTruth this is really helpful. I wanted to give dd a script for what she could say in certain situations, and what you suggest is great. I’d said she could parrot something like ‘I can see you’re upset Polly, maybe you should speak to the teacher’. But what you’ve outlined is much better.

We’ve just had DD have a massive offload this evening before bed. Apparently when she says she’s going to walk away Polly will follow her around the playground shouting at her. I don’t think this is something I can give DD a strategy for, and teacher needs to know.