I find Christmas really anxiety-inducing and difficult.
What painful memories do I have about Christmas? Fucking loads. My stepdad shouting at me because I dared to mention he’d eaten my stocking filler chocolate and sending me to my room for all of Christmas. Christmas shopping with my aunt and uncle, bringing back Calvin Klein underwear, my stepdad modelling his pants and then asking me to model mine for him. Uncomfortable horrid Christmases at his parents house. Being amongst warmth and smiles at grandmas but knowing it was only temporary. My mum fucking off to Devon and leaving me with nowhere to go at Christmas. Having to awkwardly insert myself at my boyfriend’s (where I felt really unwanted) and my grandmas and aunts houses. My mum only ever wanting to see me/ us on like the 29th. Never Xmas day. Her trying to make me feel bad for not being able to give my son his Christmas presents because we had become bitterly estranged. ‘How sad that he couldn’t have his Christmas presents’ she said, manipulatively. How sad that I’m so traumatised by your ‘parenting’ that I can’t see you, more like. My grandma dying, not looking like herself and unconscious in a nightgown in the nursing home, surrounded by Christmas decorations. She died on the 20th December and I was devastated.
So here we are, 2024. I have my own family and I want to make sure that my son has lovely Christmas memories but I find the whole thing so difficult. How do I deal with this?