DEBATE - read this, would YOU still say no to sex?(i would)

[twentytwentyfour2024]

Hi guys,

Settling debate for my friend who I previously posted about. She's very in denial bless her which I can understand from her past.

Her ex used to have brutal arguments with her (we're talking calling her a slag, making her feel so small and tell her everything that is wrong with her sometimes while in bed laying next to her, THEN right after having her in tears ask her for sex. If she said no he would say "fine carrry this argument on to tomorrow then) she says he felt sex sorted their arguments out? (🤔)

Also at times after a brutal argument all day after he's emotionally exhausted her and she didn't feel in the mood for sex (after seeing their messages I am not surprised!) he would really be mean to her and make out like she is at fault if she didn't try it on with him sexually at bed time to "resolve their conflict". She said at one time he turned round and said "well I did have a hard on and now it has gone!" And turned round in a huff??? He then proceeded to argue about it all the next day.

To me, this is pressuring into sex. She believes that it was just to resolve their arguments. Am I crazy? What do we think???

I think that’s abuse and your friend is in denial.

Revolting, abusive manipulative man.

I actually think it’s rape. He’s bullying and coercing her into sex.

Im really sorry for your friend and think she might benefit from therapy to talk this out. I wish her healing.

To me he sounds like a fucking manchild.

You described him as an “ex”. Hopefully he stays an “ex.”

Thank you guys, I love her so much and it breaks my heart she doesn't see what he has done to her 😢

It’s abusive. But does she know you’re posting these details online?

She does know I am posting. She's comfortable with it a sit is anonymous. I told her previously I posted for info for myself on my life events and got honest opinions, so she has actually asked me to do the same, for her I would never go behind her back with such sensitivity

The question is, how did she feel about it, was it a way she wanted to resolve arguments too?

She told me her mojo was destroyed after their arguments so she didn't feel "up for it" at all

I think she’s mistaking it as make up sex where as the situation you describe is coercive sex.

Weirdo who is turned on by having sex with someone he has just belittled.

Coercing someone into sex is rape. Please keep her the fuck away from him🙏

So he humiliates her then fucks her. Because humiliating her turns him on. It's how he sees her. He despises her and enjoys sealing the deal sexually.

Make up sex otoh is when you resolve your argument to both people's satisfaction, then, feeling warmly towards one another again, you express that renewed appreciation and affection for each other through sex.

You know, it never even crossed my mind that he was turned on my humiliating her. That is absolutely rotten. Surely that's not well behaviour?

It's coercion and he was getting a kick from having power and control over her. If he was forcing her to have sex when she had said she didn't want to, that's rape.

She needs to get help to deal with the aftermath and to help her not make the same mistakes with her future relationships. Women's Aid have good resources for this.

Eww.. he sounds awful.

And yes I would say no! As I did with my ex who was abusive (however he did what he wanted anyway)

The attempts to coerce her into sex are awful, and abusive, but that’s not even the primary issue.

If she thinks it’s normal to have all day, emotionally exhausting arguments with a partner, and for him to call her a slag and so on, she has a really warped view of healthy relationships.

She really needs therapy, otherwise she is going to get into another abusive relationship or back with him. Then she’ll get hurt, badly.

Why else would he be desperate for sex after humiliating her?

Most people feel upset and either sad and withdrawn or angry / coming down from feeling angry after an argument. Those are uncomfortable feelings, they're not sexy feelings. People usually need a bit of time to reflect and recover before being ready to make up with each other.

If he wanted 'make up sex' he'd need to make up with her i.e. apologise to her, before they both move on to expressing affection (if that's what they both want to do). There's NOTHING about him 'making up' to her here, is there.

This is all about him asserting dominance. Of course he gets off on it.

Your friend must have very low self worth and very little experience of healthy relationships if she thinks this is in any way acceptable.

But to an extent the same has to be said for someone who posts this as a thread with 'debate' in the title. What's the debate? Whether she should be going to the police or just getting the hell out of there?

For me, one of the biggest doses of reality I had when I was very much in denial wrt ExH's DA was when a counsellor asked me what I would think if it was DD telling me of these events happening to her.

So many times now, I've seen what massive red flags they were, when I think 'what if DD were telling me this?'.

Your friend might not be in a place to listen, but this behaviour is abusive and is rape by coercion. It is possible that to cope she is normalising it.

The debate was me saying it is wrong, she said she doesn't think so and agrees with him