friend ghosting and do not know why and a chance meeting

[Alicecatto]

I had a very good friend about 15 years ago. We met at work...I was covering some modules for her at the university and helped her with some writing she was doing. My husband helped her with some house issues. At the time, she was a lot wealthier than me, had a physician husband, posh house, holiday cottage, worked part time. My husband and I were renting, had just been married and I was working full time. I then got a more permanent job though was still in the area, and it was then she started ghosting me...there were three occasions she cancelled gatherings at the last second. So, I just stopped initiating to see what happened, and the friendship faded. Fair enough. Not everything lasts.

I moved out of the area. Now we are both of equal status as I got on and ended up having money, nice house, etc. I've retired, and she is now working full time. We've both been successful. By pure chance, I ran into her and had a cordial chat...she asked me for my personal email, so I gave it to her, and then just followed up via email and praised her sincerely for what she accomplished, said it was really nice to see her, and if she was in the area to come visit. (She had mentioned during our chat I should come to their holiday cottage sometime, which was nice). I also told her about an upcoming house move and some things I was doing in retirement.

I got a one line, polite answer, and my gut said...yeah, that is the last I'll hear from her. I still don't know what I did wrong. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I just wish she would have told me what happened.

Do you mean when she originally stepped away from the friendship, or this time, her one-line reply to your email? Friendships just do end, sometimes, as you say yourself. They're situational.

If what you're asking is why she only briefly replied to your email after you met one another again, I'd say it was obvious. You came on waaaay too strong, with the whole 'praising her sincerely for what she's achieved' stuff. She was probably taken aback at getting a whole bulletin of your activities and praise. Also, your entire post is very status-obsessed -- you are continually comparing the two of you in terms of jobs, income, housing, husbands. I would find that enormously tiresome, if I got an email from an old friend that seemed to think this was the main point of life.

Your post comes across as you being rather concerned with where you are in life materially. It would be unlikely that this would go unnoticed, and may not be appreciated by some.

Your job, husband and money are completely irrelevant.

You had a colleague who you were once acquaintances with, you tried to make it a stronger friendship and she flaked and backed away from the friendship.

Years later you had some other job, husband and money, whatever the details are irrelevant. You met said acquaintance again and politely exchanged the most impersonal form of contact, an email address. You sent some over involved message about your life and your former acquaintance kept her distance.

The end.

If she had actually been a friend you'd have exchanged phone numbers.

You sound very concerned with status, as if you somehow think you didn't measure up at first but then you levelled up and somehow that should mean you're more likely to be friends. Maybe she doesn't view it the same way.

Thanks for all this. The above is perceptive. The thing is, she let me know I didn’t measure up when we were friends. And she was right. While we had equivalent levels of education and professional accomplishments, I really was below her economically in reality, no doubt about it. I was also let known her time was more valuable than mine. Fair enough, because it was. She was paid more than me and worth more money. She also had to deal with kids and her husband’s career was more demanding.

After being stood up three times, I got the hint and just let it go. When we chatted recently, it was all about her kid’s accomplishments, her accomplishments, etc. I didn’t get a word in much. So when she sent an email to me asking for my personal email address, I gave it to her, and replied to tell her what I’d been up to the past 10-15 years. It was a four line paragraph. I also really do admire what she has accomplished and thought it was OK to tell her that. I guess it wasn’t.

I do have her phone number and have for some time, but we don’t call each other. We exchange Christmas cards and sign them.

Thanks for the comments.

Why would you pursue a friendship with someone who didn't want you when your economic status wasn't high enough?

we have each other’s phone numbers. I wrote a paragraph about what I’ve been up for the past 10 years. I suppose I shouldn’t have replied or just replied with a line. Fair enough.

Yes, I suppose four lines of what I had been up to the past 10 years was too much, and should not have mentioned I admired what she had accomplished. (I do though). I should have just replied “keep in touch”.

I guess I am mentioning status because I wondered if that was the reason she ghosted me… that I just was not of her class. I did her a lot of professional favours, and maybe when I moved away, I wasn’t as useful to her. Could have been that. Not sure.

Hi OP I think you are unfairly getting a hard time. I didn’t read your post as being concerned with status, let alone overly concerned. I read it as noting how your circumstances have changed and perhaps now that your circumstances have improved, you hoped that this would no longer be the barrier that it had seemed to be in the past. The hurtful thing is that your former friend seemed to,want to re establish contact, asked for your email then brushed you off. Hurtful, to be sure. It seems as though you’ll never know why. It’s a loss, and I feel for you

I’m not sure. She seemed nice. I was new to the area and we had some common interests. I hoped that me not being as well off wouldn’t present a problem.

Thank you. This is exactly it. I guess I didn’t express myself very well on my post. She was a close friend. Being ghosted hurt the first time, and now I am hurt again.

I appreciate all the comments and thank you all.

You 'praised her sincerely for what she'd accomplished' and then went on to tell her you're buying a new house, and what you have planned for retirement etc?

It all sounds rather competitive and a bit 'cold' and unfriendly really OP.

She's probably a bit embarrassed.

This is weird, and you're focusing on the wrong things for friendship. Off my closest friends, I've often been the poorest, financially. No one has ever made this be felt, acknowledged, or been an issue. True friends simply don't care. If she is the type who is bothered, why would you want to be friends. And if she isn't that type, you obviously just didn't click.

Friends come and go throughout your life, it's not something to be analysed, unless you've been really close perhaps, but you say you weren't 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Alicecatto I don’t know why some posters are giving you a hard time.

You did nothing wrong, you just wanted to know what happened to the friendship, that’s normal.

Maybe she’s envious that you made it in life, her behaviour is odd, that isn’t how friends behave xx

“She was a close friend “
was .. being the operative word .. for what ever reason she decided not to pursue the friendship and there’s nothing you can do about it .
A good friend wouldn’t do that to you
Your “status “ should be irrelevant, yet on meeting up again you seem to want to let her know that you feel you are of “ equal standing “.. maybe old friend thought you were stealth boasting and found it off putting or maybe she was just being polite in asking for your email .. Either way .. let this one go

I just retired. She asked me about that when I met her. She asked for my address, and I told her where I was moving, and told her when we settled to come stay…she had me years ago to her holiday cottage, so I wanted to return the favour. I praised her because I meant it.

I know there is nothing I can do about it. We were close at one time, yes, so it kind of reminded me of the lost friendship.

I just told her what I’d been up to for the past 10 years in four lines. My niece and nephew have grown up, and they are doing this now. She had told me what her kids were up to in conversation and I asked her how they were. We are both getting close to retirement…so I told her I’d fully retired. I mentioned my address had changed and she should come up. She asked me to tell her about a project I worked on, and I did. That’s about it really. and I praised her because I meant it. I guess that is seen as boasting or something, so as I said, my mistake, I should have just said keep in touch.

I’ve not had this problem with other friends. They haven’t cared how much money I’ve had…it hasn’t been an issue with them.

Thanks again, and I’ll leave the thread. Have a good evening all.

I think if you got the sense from her that you weren't good enough because of your 'inferior' status then she isn't someone to keep in your life, OP. Move on and enjoy your retirement.

You got a hard time on this thread because it read as if it was you who was caught up with the whole status thing, whereas actually it was her, and you were just trying to live up to it and be liked by her.

True friends don't give a monkeys about your income, your promotions, your second homes etc.