Two faced?

[Greybottle]

One of my mother's brothers, there was an issue with him. I don't know what it is. Likely if it was together, he would be diagnosised with something. He's not able to read ques. He's very soft and innocent.

Anyways he never met anyone in his life. He never married and had his own children and family. So he is a bachelor. He is somewhat of an alcoholic but to some degree I could nearly understand it. He's likely going to the pub to have some company from other people.

He was the person who was at home with my grandmother before she needed assisted in a nursing home for a few years before she died. When she died he inherited the family home.

My mother comes from a large family of siblings. They never contested the inheritance and they were happy to leave him with what he got. But they were bitter behind it all too.

I know of one aunt who only used him for money thinking he is rich. But the thing is my grandmother died 16 years ago and if he was left any money it would be long gone. Also he is in receipt of a means tested benefit so he can't possibly have anything but my aunt and the rest of them are too dim to comprehend that. My mother only uses him too. Not so much for money. I don't know. He rings a lot. Likely out of boredom and likely to seek company and interaction. My mother can happily ig ore her phone and his calls for weeks at a time. He rang her this morning and she only just got angry behind his call. But never to him.

I have other aunts who were more direct in telling him to f*ck and he has no relationship with some of his siblings.

I am hating seeing the two faced behaviours from many of them. Especially the aunt who uses him for money and also from my own mother. She begrudgingly picks up the phone to him maybe once every month or two. And then behind it curses him out of it. I do t understand, if she doesn't like him - tell him instead of ranting into my ear.

I am so tempted to rest on them all. Send him an anonymous note to let him know that my aunt and my mother's name hates him and they are only just using him.

I just feel so sorry for him and they way he is being treated. They look down on him so much.

I mentioned it before in a chat to her but I don't think she cares or comprehends anything beyond herself.

I did ask her that before and mentioned that he's on a means tested benefit and I doubt he has any savings left from an inheritance. She doesn't care and she wrote me off.

Did you read my update? I considered it but I didn't because it was the wrong thing.

I am concerned for him. He is vulnerable and he rang my mother last week, she looked at her phone, saw it was him and ignored it and she was angry that he was even calling but if he had an envelope of cash from him she would be all over him.

Don’t involve yourself in the relationship between your uncle and his siblings, you won’t know the half of it.

If you want to be helpful, why don’t you befriend him? Add to his life, rather than taking away the only company his has.

She's either very entitled or so angry that she thinks her inheritance has been stolen that you aren't going to get anything out of her sensewise! All you can do is befriend/protect your uncle or try to get official safeguards in place by contacting adult social care.

She just stated his circumstances. The cod psychology on here is bananas

What do you mean?

I have read your update and I'm glad you didn't send the letter. If he's really as lonely as you think he is, even having fake family is better than having absolutely nobody, which everyone says isn't the case, but few who say it have ever truly had no one.

I think you could build a genuine relationship with your uncle. Be the most authentic relationship in his life. I don't think there's much point in talking to his sisters because if they need someone to tell them their behaviour is bad, they already know and don't care. However, seeing you build a genuine relationship with him might make them feel a little bit ashamed. I really think the best thing you can do here is lead by example.

I don't really know my uncle. I likely only ever met him when I was a child and I don't remember him. I do know of him and he is real.

However I do know what is happening and I don't like it. He has sisters that hate him and they are only using him for money and it's mean and cruel.

I would love to be friendly with him but due to locations and my own working schedule can get very intense quite often too and often I hardly have time for myself, I just won't be able to take on a friendship towards my uncle.

I do know of another aunt and uncle who visit him and call to him and help him and they are genuine with him and don't abuse him. They don't like his drinking and it might only be about a once a week or fortnight visit but they do help him.

Why does OP need to come across well? Are we nominating them for some kind of prize?

The post itself is an indication of concern! We're not all working with the same impulses, level of knowledge, life experience and emotional intelligence. She's concerned enough to question the dynamics of his relationships with her mother and aunt, and has asked for advice before acting. Maybe she doesn't want to build a relationship with her uncle but she can still be concerned if he's being exploited.

I actually think you're entitled to dislike hearing soneone being criticised behind their back without wanting to befriend that person.

If my mum kept slagging off a friend I didn't know then asking her for money, I really wouldn't like that.

I would either:

• say when it comes up that you're not comfortable criticising this person. You're aware of their views and find its not a happy topic, you'd rather talk about them- that's why you've visited etc
• change the topic of conversation and leave the room if it continues..so how was the holiday, the trip, work, that new tv show, etc
• distance myself from these family members a bit if in general you just find them rude and critical. For example if it happens when groups get together then meet your mum without others around
• or accept that they are critical but have other redeeming qualities. We can't change what others say or do, just your reaction to it.

Contact adult social services for your area, tell them everything, they will sort it out and fo an assessment, I did the same for a client when I worked in the community, they were really good at helping

Sorry I agree you seem really kind and I shouldn't have jumped on the back of another comment

If he's on a means tested benefit it would be reduced if he had savings over 6k and stopped if they are over 16k. Maybe explain that to your family.

He needs to be careful that they don't convince him to take out an equity release loan on the house

Instead of upsetting your uncle why not try telling your mother and aunt what you think of their behaviour and then cutting them out of your life.