How to make Xmas better with DM

[Iliketulips]

DM does care, but has never been easy - she doesn't think like most of us and gets into arguments which really aren't necessary, her conversation is very detailed, 90% conversation is one sided. She has no friends (fallen out with them all) and has arguments and fall outs with all the family, and doesn't like it if I don't take her side. DH is a Counsellor and said if she was anyone else (she'd have a massive argument over it), he'd having a caring word about her getting support for her own well being (never mind about anyone elses!).

Anyway, Xmas Day is normally us, DM and DD. DD won't be here this year. I'll give it to DH, he totally accepts she's my Mum and it's given she comes here, albeit he insists on cooking lunch so he's out of the way. I've said this year, I just cannot cope on my own for a couple of hours listening to my Mum going on about whoever has upset her, so he said I can cook this year as he knows I get to the end of my tether. We've normally eaten, washed up by Kings Speech, then either walk, play games, watch a film. By this time, I'm normally exhausted and feel brain dead, and my DM is still going on. DH admits he finds Xmas Day boring.

Any ideas how we can distract her, make it more fun?

Is there anything your mum particularly enjoys watching on the tv? Can you have that on for her - even if you don't normally enjoy having tv on on Christmas day, may distract her.

I feel a bit sorry for your husband that not only does he have to host your mum every year, he's also going to have to entertain your mum now all on his own whilst you cook. Can you not stick your mum in front of the TV and both of you hide in the kitchen with a stiff drink make the dinner together. Explain to your mum that DH has been a bit run down lately so you can't possibly expect him to do the whole meal himself, you'll have to help him but don't worry, she's not to lift a finger as you want to spoil her - so she can just sit there with her feet up and the bowl of nuts whilst you two crack on.

How far away does she live - does she have to be with you the whole day? Can you set expectations now and tell her 'mum, we're going to do Christmas day differently this year as DD isn't around, and DH and I are both in need of a break. We're going to have a lazy morning at home on our own, Christmas lunch won't be served until 3.30 and you're welcome to come over any time after 2' - or whatever timings work best for you.

Doesn't DH have family he'd like to see/ host? Can you say you've got to go to see them in the morning/ after lunch, so she can come over after/ you'll drop her home on the way. If not other family members - can you invent a sudden desire to go to church, volunteer, do a Christmas day dip in the sea, call in to see a neighbour who has had a very difficult year and really needs the company - whatever would work so that you limit the time it's just you two and your mum.

Or suggest going out for Christmas lunch - you'll meet her there and say your goodbyes after, or pick her up and drop her home after.

You have to shorten the day! How near does she live? Could you ask her to arrive an hour before dinner, plonk her in front of the TV with a drink and then both go into the kitchen? Does she talk through the films? If not, watch two! Tell her some friends have invited you over there for tea (not her - give a good reason - huge dog etc) and tell her she'll have to leave early.

If your daughter will be away the following year, tell your mum in January that you're spending it with your daughter.

Gee, how sad. Why do you bother? life too short.

I am surprised your DH puts up with it.

Can't you just say
"It's Christmas day happy stories only"
If she hasn't got any you or put cheesy feel good films on?

Or invite more people, she might not be as intense in a crowd

Is she even happy at yours? And is she really the reason your dd isn’t coming for Christmas? Why set yourself on fire to keep her warm for a few hours? This sounds miserable. Next year go away with your dd. Break the chain.

Gosh that sounds tough. When you say she 'doesn't think like most of us' what are you actually getting at? - does she have a learning difficulty, is she possibly autistic? Does she have a special interest you can distract her with? I would agree with shortening the day and in addition I think you need some activity, at the very least a TV show so DH isn't required to listen constantly, possibly a jigsaw so at least there is some focus.

Does she like sewing ? Have you got anything you could ask her to see or a lot for xmas

Create your own bauble? Ask her if she would be willing to do one as you'd love to have one she had made (you could all do this)

Shock her and buy cards against maturity game and play that

Party games - monopoly etc

A Christmas piñata to get your frustrations out

Put it's a wonderful life and just go on and on and on about how lucky you all are

My mum is the same, her full conversation is all about how bad everyone is to her, how much people use her, hates to see anyone happy. She dosnt like people who drink, so we don't drink xmas day, usually watch films after dinner, nod off on sofa which really annoys her as she says we're boring, so I'm volunteering at homeless shelter this xmas day.

Does she actually want to come on Christmas or is she coming out of pressure/ obligation? This is the crux, because if she’s genuinely fine to enjoy the day herself in her own space then I’d give it a break this year and enjoy the day with your husband!

How about changing the subject to something more positive in a jolly way? Like... oh dear Mum, hahaha well, did I tell you about... complete random light hearted change of subject then shut down any further negative talk? Try some games, fun films, anything to keep the mood light, and maybe get her a bit tipsy? That can sometimes bring the fun side out in people.

In the long term, must you host them every year? Could you go and be hosted by other families for Xmas, In-laws, kids etc, or go away over Christmas for a change?

Shorten the day - offer lifts so you're in control or just set expectations. You're not going to ruin her day by having her over a bit closer to lunchtime or dropping her home a bit earlier. Does anyone need to do 1:1 for 2 hours? It seems easier to me to have her round a bit later and/or stay together to a 3 way conversation as much as possible, so you and DH can bounce off each other. I think it's ok to leave her alone with the TV for a bit while you both wash up.

Escape room in a box or online. Big general knowledge crossword. I think the answer to this is more about handling the conversation though.

Left field thought - do you see her much in the week before Christmas? I wonder if she doesn't see people much whether she will just have a lot to unload when she sees you. Might it help to spend more time with her in the few days before (if you don't already) so she might have got the monologue out of her system a bit? It might be easier to listen to before Christmas day when you can be pottering round garden centres, doing decorations, food prep etc.

Our son is autistic and very monotropic. We take him for walks for him to talk about his interest - sometimes it all has to come out before he can really think or talk about anything else, and I can imagine this being even more the case for someone who lives by themselves.

Op I don't know it's hard isn't it

Would she do something in crackers, watch a light heated film?
Play games?

Can you try and get her to do something different?? .

I'd feign illness the day before, drop her a cooked lunch off and have a cosy day with hubby!

I'm doing the Christmas day dip this year so will pick you up after it (just in time for dinner) / come anytime after 1pm as I won't be home until then.

Make her listen to you for a while...any juicy stories to tell her?

Play bingo in your head with the common rants...predict what she is going to say.

Sit her down with a Jigsaw/ crossword puzzle/ magazine

Ask for help with something..can she assemble homemade crackers/ fold napkins.