Overbearing/jealous friend – need advice

[ForDreamyAzureCat]

I have been friends with another mom (H) in my neighborhood for about 3.5 years. When I first met H she told me she had a fight with one of her close friends and she didn’t talk to her for months, but they’re fine now. I just noted that in my head. Fast forward to last summer, and another mom (L) in our friend group invites us all to a get together. I accept and one of the other moms accepts. H declines because she had some small miscommunications/issues with L. As H is telling me that she’s not going, she says to me “remember, you’re MY bestie”. This statement surprised me and I laughed it off. First, I never felt the need to put a best friend title on our relationship, but we were definitely close. Second, L is not a threat! L never knew that H disliked her so much. And H would not try to work it out with her even though I tried to get her to. I continued my friendship with L because I enjoy her and our daughters are in the same class. Then everything blew up because, at the beginning of an outdoor neighborhood party, H walked into my house without knocking (while I was still getting dressed) to say “why didn’t you even give me a heads up that L was going to be here” with a look on her face like I betrayed her. I was pretty upset. I’m not in charge of this party. Second, L has been at these events before (she doesn’t live on our street but is in our neighborhood). Third, I wasn’t even sure if she was coming or not. I told H I can’t talk about this right now. H had been “off” for a few weeks and I wondered if she was mad at me for something. I talked to her after the event and she told me she has been upset for weeks. Backstory: L has a Halloween party that a group of us mom friends have gone to for the last 2 years. H was invited of course but she declined the invitation. I tried to convince her to go but she wouldn’t budge and seemed dismissive of it. I wasn’t going to not go just because H wasn’t going, so I accepted the invitation. So now I'm finding out that H was upset with me because I didn’t ask her if she was sad about the party or express that I was sad she wasn’t going. But I DID tell her I was sad when she first told me she wouldn’t go to it this year, months before. I tried to get her to change her mind. And she never told me she was sad about not going! I tried to not bring up the party to her at all because I wasn’t trying to rub it in that I’m going. I question myself all the time, but to me, we’re all adults and this isn’t middle school. I can have other friends. I was never mean or excluded H from something I did with L. Was I somehow not being a good friend to H??

You're fine. H is unhinged. Personally I'm not interested in drama llamas so I wouldn't be discussing this kinda crap with H at all, ever. Change the subject.

If she wants to have a nice friendship, all well and good.

If she wants to be "off", accusatory, tell me she owns me who I can be friends with or expect me to organise her social calendar - it's not happening.

I don't want to be around someone like that, it's control freakery, which only ever leads to abusive behaviour and I'm not willing to be on the receiving end of that kind of batshittery.

She's already taking up far too much of your headspace. Relationships of any kind should feel good, fun, supportive. You should look forward to seeing them, without trepidation regarding what mood they'll be in or when/if they'll show up. Relationships should feel easy, they should flow smoothly almost all the time. They shouldn't be full of drama, conflict and disrespect.

H has "issues", they're not yours to fix. She probably falls out with everyone eventually and can't maintain any normal relationship where the other person isn't putting up with her crap.

Oh and lock your door!

@rugbyclub is right! That is all that needs to be said.

Thanks so much for this. Sometimes I just need to vent! I've never had a friend like this before. It was probably bound to happen so I should be thankful that I have an excuse to distance myself. She actually told me I was childish and she asked for a break, I forgot to add that part! I said "ok" and walked away and we haven't spoken in a week.

I had a friend like this and it's exhausting. She wasn't actually my friend but the wife of a good friend of DH. One day she got the hump with me about something (I never knew what 😂) and stopped all contact. It was a huge relief! I would definitely phase H out of your life, you don't need the drama!

Perfect OP! This is what I'd do...

When she decides you've been punished enough by her lack of presence to get back in touch, just tell her that you've decided you don't want to socialise with someone who thinks you're childish. Don't get into a discussion about whether she's right or wrong about you being childish. You're entitled to whatever boundaries you like and don't have to justify them or have any good, sensible, logical reason for them (we all know you do but she won't see it that way). She doesn't have to understand, like or agree with your boundaries, she just has to respect them. You won't be socialising with her any more, end of.

After that keep it civil but don't speak to her unless you have to. Like say hello if she does, but not if she doesn't. Go wherever you want to, with whomever you want to and pay no attention to if she's there or not. If you encounter her and she strikes up a civil conversation, remain in it for as long as it remains civil or until you can politely extricate yourself, but don't put up with insults, sniping, justifying why you're there if you don't want to socialise with her and don't get sucked back into any kind of friendship with her.

Don't respond to texts or calls or knocks at the door, from her. Don't give her any personal information - that old adage of "don't put it online if you wouldn't be happy for it to be put on a billboard in the town centre for all and sundry to see" applies to her now.

Good luck. She probably won't take it too well but your life will be so much better without her in it (or at least, her not playing any important part in it).

You're absolutely right. My natural inclination is to defend myself and explain myself because it bothers me when people misunderstand me or think I'm something that I'm not. But you are right, she will never look beyond her own self to understand that what she did to me was wrong. And I shouldn't torture myself with this anymore. My poor husband will sure be happy because there were other things that were bothering even him about her!

People like that do tend to self-implode, don't they? I'm happy you were able to get away from that person!! I think one day I'll look back on this and be relieved that she started this argument because it is the perfect excuse to distance myself. Otherwise there would have probably been a lot more instances of me feeling like I'm responsible for her feelings and her insecurities.

Ugh get rid of her! She asked for space so do yourself a favour and block her number. Plenty of space forever.

She sounds utterly pathetic and she’ll only drag you down with her.

The other issue is that we live on the same street and our kids used to play and we share the same school bus stop. I have been avoiding her at the bus stop because honestly I'm really hurt that she thinks I'm not a good friend after everything I've done for her and I just don't want to see her face. Our kids aren't the same age so my kids might be a little confused as to why we haven't seen them in a while but it won't destroy them because they have plenty of other friends. Honestly they haven't even asked about them and it's been over a week! My kids don't know what happened. Right after our disagreement she texted me "i'd like for this to be civil and not affect the kids" but I'm sorry, I'm not letting my kids go to your house to play with your son after you called me childish. I said "I'd never cause an issue in front of the kids". I just found out she also unfriended me on all social media. I don't know, but I think that's childish. Especially if you really thought of me as a best friend? I don't want to look like I'm afraid or running away, but I want to start driving my kids to school so I don't have to see her every day.