how to ask MIL to stop trying to buy us things we don’t want

[Blingedup]

In laws are always offering to buy us things such as new furniture, clothes even silly things like toothbrush holders or clocks!? We aren’t financially in trouble, we can afford our own things comfortably and have never asked them to buy something for us so we’re confused why it’s become a ‘thing’.
It might seem like a kind selfless act of love, however there are rules.. they chose the items.
So MIL said we need a new dining table as ours is old (it’s fine) and showed me the cheap table and chairs set from IKEA and that she would order it for me. I stopped her there and said it doesn’t match the colour theme of the room so thank you but we’ll stick with our current one as it cost a lot.
Roll on to an armchair as DH once commented it wasn’t comfortable, she screenshot armchairs she liked which were all awful so we said no thank you and replaced it ourselves.
She text me telling me to put all my unworn clothing on Vinted. All my clothes are worn or I’d have donated them.
She still buys DH clothes she has chosen for him as if he is a school boy, he doesn’t wear any of them as they aren’t his style.
It’s getting to the point now where it feels intrusive, we don’t need these things and if we did I certainly wouldn’t want another adult to chose them for me when we all have different tastes and preferences.
Im not sure how to approach it without sounding rude or ungrateful, but I want the offers and suggestions to stop. (She didn’t listen to DH hence why I’m going to have to give the stern chat this time)
Any ideas please? Even if anyone knows why she’s even doing this would really help! Is it a form of judgement/criticism?

She's a control freak. Seeking relevance in your lives by providing something she can take all credit for. Its sad really. But I do believe your DH needs to deal with this (properly, this time.) you will only become the target and the blame otherwise.

Do you know what he actually said to her when he last mentioned it?

Sounds bad. Seriously.

First reply has hit the nail on the head. It's all about control and that madwoman trying to influence your lives. It's going to have to be your dh who has a word and tells her to stop. Because she is likely doing it all in a 'helpful' way she'll probably have a hissyfit at a new boundary being put in place but it's necessary.

She's controlling and bored, is there a job she can do - gardening for you?

My guess, she's an empty nester with nothing else in her life and looking for things for your home gives her something to do. Plus an echo of providing for her little boy.

If she won't listen to her ds, you won't stop her even if you are very blunt and rude, because then it will just be you 'keeping her away from her son'.

Have you given her a grandchild yet? If not, expect it to get much worse if you do.

You could move away but she would probably follow.

I’m going to be a bit kinder, could it be her love language? Wanting to provide you with things she thinks will make you happy? Maybe that’s how she feels she can be useful and connected to you both? Although I agree it would be better to let you choose!

I agree deflecting her onto something else might be better than hurting her feelings, at least try it first?

Thanks for replying, I have held my tongue over thoughts it’s control as she feels she’s lost her son to me 🙄. Thing is we have been married 8 years and have 3 children so it’s bizarre how it’s only begun recently. If DH says no thank you we can buy our own furniture, she assumes he’s being polite and will accept it anyway. She’s never been a good listener. Perhaps I should say yes to everything because I can sell it on and keep the money, funny to imagine her reaction.

No advice but solidarity. When we excitedly had an offer accepted on our first home. MIL went out and bought loads of home stuff towels/ bedding / cutlery / plates etc as if she was shipping her son off to uni and so I said thanks but no thanks. I wanted to choose my own! Trying to establish boundaries hasn’t really worked though and it has continued over the years, the highlight was when we received a massive AC unit in the post that was worth a fortune that we absolutely didn't have the room for or need for the one week of heat this country gets! It may come from a good place and so I try to say as little as possible to DH but I couldn’t imagine purchasing certain things for another adults home without asking!

I feel your pain, OP. I moved house many years ago and my mother made a point of commenting how my dining table was too big for the new lounge diner, and that I should get a new one. I agreed it was bigger than ideal, but pointed out that it was in perfect condition and that replacing it was an unnecessary expense when I’d just shelled out moving costs, solicitor’s fees and stamp duty.

Did it end there? Did it buggery! She started giving me “helpful” advice about how I could get an extendable one if I wanted the option of something bigger; sent me links of extendable tables and then quizzed me on whether I’d been to the stores to take a look. Years later - genuinely several years - I replaced my bed and sofa. The bed was a divan that had sunk and split in the middle. A metal bar was jutting out from the sofa. I still got, “A new sofa? Do you really need a new sofa? I’d have thought you’d need to replace the table before anything else…”

It makes me want to scream. Unfortunately the only advice I can give is to ignore your MIL’s comments and say no, firmly ,to her offers each and every time. Never give an inch. Call her up on any suggestions you are being “ungrateful” by reminding her you never asked for any of this. If she ever goes as far as just buying something and getting it delivered, refuse delivery. Politeness will NOT work here.