DS sad because he doesn’t have close friends

[Astrid776]

We moved mid year 4, now DS is in year 6. He doesn’t like school and is sad that he doesn’t have any close friends there.

He is shy, I watch him with other children he doesn’t know well - he’s reserved and doesn’t lift his head up much; either that or he mimics the behaviour of an older and quite “cool” but also aggressive kid that’s on our street (for example, on Saturday he was with a bunch of children he doesn’t know and started saying “I’m going to kick the pigeons”, copying this older boy’s accent. (Out of character).)

When we’ve talked about school friends, he said he tried to get good at football to get friends, and also tried to be kind and lend people stuff. I keep saying “be yourself!” but it’s so trite.

He is a lovely person - funny, interesting, clever and very kind. But he struggles to show it around other children he doesn’t know well.

How do I get him to be his lovely self in front of other children and help him make friends at school? He does have excellent friends outside of school, but doesn’t get to see them much.

I’m also so worried about secondary next year for him.

To be honest, I was reading all that thinking 'don't worry - it will all sort itself out at secondary.' So I wouldn't worry about the future at all. Secondary is bigger, there are more different types of kids and more places to meet them (walking to school, in lessons, in carious clubs etc). Just get him to join in plenty of stuff and it will happen naturally. Also there will always be kids from other schools who never really made a best friend on the lookout for someone to pal up with. Secondary really is a totally different kettle of fish so I would look on that as a new opportunity and put it out of your mind.

The problem is that it's a good couple of terms until secondary and it sounds like this is knocking his confidence now. I'd do a couple of things. Firstly, ask his school if they can do anything to help pair him up with someone else who is a bit lonely. There will surely be someone. Or maybe at least get him into situations that are a bit easier for him, like a voluntary group at lunchtimes etc. Then I would also make sure he has plenty going on out of school. Nurture those out of school friendships you mentioned and get him involved in other groups too. If not a sports team then maybe something with a less competitive element like cubs or scouts. The chance to do camps lets them 'bond' a bit and all the skills they learn really help their confidence. Drama is another good one that's often quite collaborative and where 'nice' kids tend to hang out. But whatever he's into really. If you can find groups nearby then when he gets to secondary he'll already know some older kids. But more importantly he'll have a group of friends outside of school that at least lets him know that he's a decent person and other people do value him, even if the kids at school aren't being very inclusive.

Thank you Phelbas, this is really helpful!

The only during-the-week activities he does at the moment are music lessons that happen at home (he loves that). He doesn’t do any after school clubs because he never enjoys them and DH works from home all week, I do Pt.

I am going to try and get him to join some fun things!

Drama is a good idea, sounds like something that will bring him out of his shell. Not something he’d naturally want to do, but I think could be an interesting one for him!

I will chat to school and see if they can pair him up with someone. He cries in the morning before school sometimes, it’s so sad 😞

But it’s a relief to hear secondary will be better!

I wouldn't assume secondary school will be better (sorry I know that's not what you want to hear!). It can be very difficult for shy kids as they are constantly changing classes, who's in the class with them and who's sat next to them. It makes it difficult to get to know anyone if you're not proactive and arranging to meet up with people at break times and lunch times. DS didn't enjoy most school clubs either, they're not always that well organised IME and he hated drama - it was his most hated subject!

DS struggled all through secondary school tbh but he is autistic, is there any chance yours is? It's often around secondary school age that it becomes more obvious (ds was diagnosed at 10) and him mimicking other peoples behaviour and being quite sensitive (crying before school) could indicate there's more going on.

It's great though that your ds has really good friends outside school. I would be putting in all the effort I could to encourage those friendships to boost his confidence. You say he doesn't see them much so I'd be looking to try to change that if at all possible. If he can build up his confidence and self esteem it will really help at secondary school. When the time comes I would really encourage him to put in lots of effort getting to know people (DS didn't do this and then everyone had their groups of friends - and he didn't). Hopefully that way he'll find his tribe and things will really improve for him.

It's awful when they're unhappy, crying before school is so sad. I would definitely speak to the teacher and see if she has any ideas. Does he mainly struggle at break and lunchtimes? DS came home at lunchtimes for a while during primary school and that really helped him. I don't know if that would be an option for you. It doesn't help with making friends but it really helped DS be happier.

I'd push him to do an extracurricular activity, he can choose whatever he likes, sport, drama, cubs, cadets, art club etc but he isn't developing his social skills because he's not having to. He will make friends if he does an activity that have in common. You also tend to get more turn over at activities than at school, so friendship groups won't be as rigid/formed

Oh forgot to say, ds has left school now and has finally found his tribe doing what he loves. It's just a case of finding the right people and sometimes you have to wait a while for them to come along. Tell him not to give up!

Can you improve his tennis / badminton /swimming / or even football by doing it with him - I was brought up in the countryside and couldn’t do any of these things but others would go off together to play when older.

I have a daughter the same age and from a young age when her best friends left the school for various reasons she hasn't had really good friends at school and hasn't really liked it much.

Her out of school friends really are so much nicer than the kids she's at school with - varying ages and both boys and girls and gives her so much confidence it's not her! They have a shared interest and are so kind and supportive of each other - definitely try to up the out of school activities if you can fjnd something he'd love. Contrary to most advice, her friendships have gone from strength to strength since she got phone and can communicate between classes.