I can't bear my mother anymore

[PurpleSky300]

My mother complaints constantly about everything I do and tries to rule my life, and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm 32, recently bought a house etc and in the space of a one-hour visit her complaints included:

1. Don't like new lamp and it's in a stupid place
2. TV is too big, looks tacky, I have no taste
3. Need to clean the skirting boards and door frames
4. She wants to change the colour of my walls
5. I waste money on parcels, deliveries and groceries
6. I need to invest in a long coat rather than a short coat (?!)
7. The dresses I have aren't flattering and I should buy maxi ones
8. I don't need new radiators (I do)
9. Need to see a doctor about my chin outbreaks (cheers Mum)
10. Need to go out more

and on and on. I can't breathe, I can't do anything, sometimes I'm amazed that anybody trusts me to walk in a straight line. Sometimes I just snap and say "Will you just f-ing stop! It's my life and my f-ing house!" but it makes no difference. And reducing contact isn't easy because she is the type of person who will ring and ring and ring and wants a spare key and just can't allow me to make any decisions. I don't know what to do. I want to run away somewhere.

DO NOT give her a key or your life really won't be your own. She'll be in there painting walls and rearranging the furniture for starters, reading your mail and changing the TV for a smaller one.

You don't have to let her in when she visits. You can tell her it's not convenient and that she should ring first. And ignore her calls until you're ready to answer them.

You'll get some posters saying that's cruel, she's your mum etc, but when you're dealing with someone who is completely insensitive it's not selfish or cruel to look after yourself.

I'm the same age as you and could have written this myself!!! No advice but I experience the same

I'm sorry to hear that. Its really awful if a loved one behaves in this way. She sounds like my mother. A woman who needs to make you feel small to feel better about herself or to make her look better than you. Has she always behaved this way? Is she a narcissist? If so, she's not going to change.

I keep mine on a very tight leash and have tried to protect myself as much as possible by limiting contact and not engaging with that level of unpleasantness. I hope you can do the same.

She has always been like this. She tells me what I should and shouldn't eat, what I should buy, what I should wear, what I do and don't need etc, etc. I don't feel like it's narcissism, it's just total lack of boundaries. It's like she doesn't have any faith in me to run my own life so I have to be told everything?

The other day, we were both in the supermarket and I put a large tub of butter in my shopping trolley. She wanted me to take it out, because it was 'a waste of money', and she tut-tutted when I put some chocolate biscuits in there. When I ignored her she said "Nobody listens to me..." and I said "When I was 12, I would have things back on your orders, but not now. I'm buying whatever I want." I say stuff like this all the time - 'I'm an adult / you're overstepping the line / it's my decision' etc etc. It just doesn't have any affect.

Don't go shopping with her. And definitely don't give her a key!

Only you can change this OP. Do not give her a key and don't answer the phone every time she rings.

Therapy for you.

You need to break some cycles here.

Sounds like my mother

In 28 with a 2 year old. DM is 55 end of this month.

I think she is just being a 'mum' although I don't think they really see how they come across.

I've learned to bite my tongue when I realise she is being OTT.
Not worth the arguments as she is fiesty/menopausal /high blood pressure 😂

I laugh about it now, but I'm definitely not laughing when she is off on a nitpicking rant.

Also, I'm not too sure if it's narcissism (I'm a psychotherapist/CBT therapist) although tricky to say as I don't know your mum.

But I think it's more of something trying to help / make things better but it can be very overbearing.

Sometimes just a simple 'no actually I like this one' can help. But it's picking your battles. Then it usually quietens mum.

Or if I pick up something I like in the shop, she will be like NO not that one. I'll just sharply tell her calm down..I can look.

It makes me sad because I sometimes think - life is short, we could have a much better relationship if not for this. Complaining and nit-picking is wasting time that could be spent enjoying each others' company. But she doesn't seem to know any other way to communicate with me.

You are a grown woman and the only person who can make changes in your life. You need to take control of the situation. Don't give her a spare key. If she asks just say I don't want you to have one. Decide how much and how often you are prepared to see her. If she starts criticising, just stand up and say 'I'm not listening to this' and leave. She will eventually realise that if she wants a relationship with you, she needs to stop being so critical. Only you can put these boundaries in place and enforce them. You need to stop being passive and start being proactive.

It sounds as if she is refusi g to let you be a separate mature adult and just sees you as part of her. So controlling and dictatorial I don’t know how you can bear it. I recommend moving a long way away from her so she can’t have such a negative effect on your life, Or strong boundaries of walking away and refusing to engage every time she is critical and do some hard work on the relationship or it will never change.

you can’t change anyone but you… she is her and that’s it. You have control in your reaction. Who cares what she thinks or says if it’s not relevant? So what??? Let it slide over you. Make your decision.. agree a large butter is frivolous but you are a frivolous person… steak well it taste ms fabulous… .spare key great idea must (never) get one cut..

I struggle with my mum too but I did put boundaries in place, I just needed to be firm and stick to them.
She never wants to visit me so I don’t have that problem but she still thinks she knows best for my house. I just roll my eyes and ask how would she know if she hasn’t seen for herself? In your case I would say if you are going to complain you can leave and not come back.
For everything else I stopped sharing anything about myself or my life as she never listened or had much interest anyway so I don’t think she’s actually noticed.
So yeah:.. Make some boundaries.

why dont you tell her that?

I don’t know a single adult woman whose mother is alive who has a straightforward, easy relationship with her. I know two women who won’t say a word against their mothers- one of them died very young, and the other’s was complicit in really awful abuse and neglect. It seems to be just a fundamentally difficult relationship to manage. I can barely tolerate mine.