Spend the evenings worrying about my kids

[Montyyyy]

and if I’m a good enough mum. I just seen a tik tok about a mum saying she’s so worried about affecting her kids as she gets overstimulated easily and gets annoyed sometimes etc and I’ve just been thinking about it

I get overstimulated very easily. I have Asperger’s so some sensory stuff sends me too. I don’t shout but like for example before my 3yo kept trying to mop (without wringing it out as he is a toddler😂) while I was cooking dinner and I just kept saying okay can you
give mummy a minute I need to do this then I paused after the 3rd time and said I’m sorry it’s your turn to mop and got it for him

I feel so bad I have a 9mo too. I get really overwhelmed it’s mainly me alone with them bar nursery days.

but I always spend my time alone (evenings after bed ahah and it creeps into my work day) worrying I’m a bad mum and they’ll grow up and hate me and think I’m horribly boring and strict.

I grew up disliking my mum. I don’t know what was the pin point? I suffered with an ED and depression/anxiety too. I still have extremely low self esteem and I just never want my
kids to be like me or feel like me. My mum even though I am nearly 28 still tries to tell me what to do. Even with my kids. I want to know why as a child I had a disliking for her so I can avoid my
kids disliking me

I think the first step is to delete TikTok. According to their standards, if you’re not grinding your own sugar and soya beans and making 3 homemade, allergen-free meals each day, you’re a bad mother.

I don’t see anything wrong with what you did in the mopping episode. Kids don’t always get to do everything they want, when they want to do it. Sometimes they need to hear no, or they need you to jump in and correct it if you’re running tight on time etc. As long as you’re not doing it every single time or shouting / pulling at them.

Can you afford some counselling / therapy to explore your own relationship with your mother? It sounds as if though that is more what’s causing these thoughts, instead of something you’re doing wrong, if you see what I mean.

I feel like since DD (youngest) I’ve been impatient and I want to stop because I’ve been trying to juggle 2 and it’s so hard I just feel like I’m always so stressed out and I don’t want my kids to hate me

I haven’t screwed him up have I ? he’s 3 so as long as I just keep going with the apologising if Im a bit busy and keep saying wait a minute etc?

it’s hard because I obviously know he needs to be told off for certain things (e.g pulling our dogs tail and laughing, snatching from baby sister and laughing when she cries) and I get so worried he’ll hate me I tell him off and tell him it made me sad what he did. Then I apologise and cuddle him when he has a strop !!!

I feel like a shit mum :(

Yeah I don’t shout, I think maybe once or twice in my whole time parenting but one was fear as I’d blinked and he’d tried to sit on his then 2mo sister who was having peaceful tummy time (and they were opposite sides of the room, he moved fast) so I make sure I don’t shout

i only move him away if like he repeats certain behaviours e.g. the dog tail thing I mentioned

I should delete tik tok. It doesn’t help me this time of evening really🤦‍♀️

and yeah it’s so complex. I’m so worried my kids will feel about me how I felt/feel about my mum it just gets to me. I think what did she do? And try not to do that

You are not a shit mum. He won’t hate you for needing to get on with chores, or for educating him. Children need raising properly - how else would he learn boundaries for when he’s an adult?

You don’t need to apologise every time you correct him or tell him off, because it’s your job to do that. Of course he’s not going to hug you and say “mummy, thanks so much for stopping me play” at 3 years old, but he will be grateful to you as an adult if you’ve raised him properly.

Children are smart. You can talk to them as you would another adult and reason with them as to why things can’t always happen the way he wants them to (eg “we don’t pull the dog’s tail as that will hurt him, we don’t hurt people and animals around us”). This doesn’t make you a shit mum. This makes you a great mum.

So many young people nowadays have no patience and want to see a result or do something they want, immediately (and I am still in my 20s, so I see it among my peers, not looking down on younger generations). I can’t help but wonder how many of these kids weren’t parented properly and never heard the word no, for fear of them “hating their parents”.

You're give him solid boundaries and making it clear that certain behaviour isn't acceptable in a calm manner. This is fine and ultimately gives you a child who trusts you to stick to your word and is confident because they know you are stable and consistent. Telling them off is normal, please don't worry that you're causing harm, he needs to know when stuff isn't right.

You sound like a great mum who is worried about her kids’ wellbeing. If you were a shit mum, you wouldn’t be worried about them. So you’re already doing great on that front.

I think what did she do? And try not to do that

It’s probably a lot more complex than this and worth exploring professionally if you can afford it. She likely never gave you the autonomy you deserved even as a child, and is still having a say in your life at 28, which makes you feel controlled / not respected enough / limited to her opinions and wanting to please her to earn approval and love.

Thank you😭❤️ I worry every night. I just want them to be happy and know how loved they are.

your last paragraph really spoke to me. Some major events as an adult I’ve done I’ve told her in a way which seems like I’ve asked? My DH spotted it and asked me early on when we booked our first trip, why I sent her the hotel and asked her did she think it was okay.

it was that moment that made me realise and I’ve always carried it with me and I don’t want my kids feeling like they need approval from me and even with their kids

when I first had DS I dressed him so expesnive (stupid) as she liked it and loved all that style. My own style is 1) comfort for him 2) now he’s older stuff he likes. She looks down on how I dress them and says constantly “that’s a nice outfit for nursery” (aka where I send them in older clothes as they get ruined easy haha. She’s basically telling me the clothes are good enough to go and get stained)

but as he’s 3 he definitely won’t remember me being an overstimulated mum this year will he? I had PPD which I’ve had help with now which has give me more clarity. So I constantly worry me being so different because of that affected him?