Birthday party politics - perspective please

[Alifemoreordinary123]

I’m feeling super sore about this and would love your support - happy to hear a range of views but feeling sad and menopausal so please be kind!

My DC is in reception. New school to us, 29 other children in the class. A lot of the people in the class have older children and there are little groups - but it’s not unfriendly. There have been 7 parties so far - all for 2-4 birthday children. So a big theme of people teaming up. Sometimes people have put it out on the group to ask for a birthday buddy, other times they haven’t. Two weeks ago we got an invite to 4 children’s joint party the week of my DC’s birthday in Jan. Nothing had come around before asking whether anyone wanted to join up, so I assume these families know each other. I was a bit upset at the time but didn’t want to cause any challenges or be ‘that’ mum. So I left it a bit and went out to the group myself yesterday to ask if anyone wanted to join up (any birthday within 6 weeks or so of my DC’s birthday) - no one has replied - probably because all the children in that time range are included in the earlier arranged party.

I know it doesn’t really matter, that I’m hormonal and have had a shit week etc etc, but really - if it was you and you were planning a birthday for four ‘January’ children, wouldn’t you have checked with the wider group? My DC is now facing a birthday on their own - probably the only one in his class. This isn’t my first DC and I’m quite robust about getting over stuff, but this has really stung and made me feel very vulnerable in the wider group at pick ups etc.

You've had a lucky escape, this sounds like a nightmare. The only upside I can see to sharing a party is the cost. Every other thing I can think of about a shared party seems shit.

This would be a non event for me. It's great that he's started to get invited to parties, focus on that.
If you want to get more involved socially then crack on with playdates with classmates and friendly chats with other mums.

It's annoying yes but just hook up with the other 4 next year!

@Crunchymum thank you, excellent point 😆.

@dairydebris thank you - I’ve had a tough year friends wise and I think this has made me more sensitive than I would ordinarily be.

I didn't even know this was a thing! Sounds like a nightmare to me, there's bound to be one parent who takes the lead or is annoying and won't agree with others. I think, very kindly, that you are being a little over-sensitive; as you said sometimes people put on the group for buddies and other times they don't. The parents may have already known each other or perhaps they chat and knew about the birthdays matching up already. Either way, it won't be a personal slur. Big smile along with your big girl pants and keep your chin up at pick up OP. Oh, and organise a fab party for your DC and they will be the centre of attention!

@lightsandtunnels thank you - it’s like I’ve taken to wearing thongs this year! Big girl pants back in situ

Ah I feel for you but peoples lives are busy and once they have their couple of close friends from nursery / previous school then it’s a lot of effort to get to know newcomers esp in a class size of 29 which isn’t that intimate. It doesn’t sound personal at all, it just is what it is unfortunately.

its probably much better for your daughter to have her own party anyway and invite her own set of friends. You can find out who they are and meet the parents properly. My son was in the same boat (newcomer to y3 in a class who knew each other). I found out who he wanted to invite to his party, made a WhatsApp group with the parents in it for “party logistics”, and then referred back to the group when I wanted to set up play dates or needed a favour to ask etc. it helped massively with us both settling in as our parents WhatsApp for the whole class has nearly 60 people in it and is overwhelming / very impersonal

I think you're seriously over thinking this. For what its worth I would suggest this is quite unusual in the reception year when most people are new. I suspect as you point out that a few people already know each other and have teamed up. In my experience shared parties don't tend to happen until year 1 or 2. It's perfectly normal for your child to host their own birthday party and not share it. I certainly don't recall anyone posting this kind of thing in a group. Just host a party for your child and invite whoever you wish to. You'll start making friends and connections with people as you move through school.

I do think you are overthinking this one. When I read the thread title I thought it was going to be one of those sad threads where a child is the only one not invited to the party at all. When my DC were that age, it wouldn't have occurred to me to organise a joint party with a DC whose mum I didn't know.

You are overinvested ans no blaming hormones does not make it better focus on you and your child it does not have to be this complicated

As gently as possible, you need to get a grip!

You're upset because a group of people you don't really know and who don't know your child's birthday have organised a party without checking with you first?!

Does your child even want to share his birthday with four other kids that he doesn't yet know that well?

It's more costly to do it by yourself, but surely a better party where your son can have exactly what he wants, no compromises.

No - a few kids are already mates, parents probably knew each other quite a bit. They found they had birthdays near the same day and decided to do a party together. No reason at all to include every child who has a birthday round that time. Actually I think your child is very lucky to be "facing" a party on his own. HIS party, doing what HE wants, with the friends HE wants. Being one of 4 sounds like not really having what you want. (Unless the kids were all talking and wanted the same, in which case that's how a joint party came about.)

Fair enough, will give my head a wobble. I still think it’s harsh being the only one not to share a party when everyone else does - it is a bit more than one or two (or six or seven) families doing it - 14 birthdays have been celebrated so far, all shared. For context, my older DCs class was nothing like this and shared from 7/8 as someone suggested. Thanks all, appreciate your perspective on this!

Are you're hormonal - don't be too hard on yourself. The slightest thing sets me off on certain days of the month. I do agree shared parties are stressful though unless you're good mates with the other parents.

I get that it would sting; I’ve not actually come across this birthday party sharing idea and while I get why the parents want to do it there’s something a bit cheeky in having to buy presents for 4 kids when attending one party…

Other mums could be friends if their dc did nursery together so have established relationships and know when birthdays are etc so this could have been planned months ago.

Still do a party for your dc if you can so they don't see it as they miss out because of others.

I'd mention, 'oh I'll have to join you next year' to the January birthday mums in passing to get reactions- from this you'll know a lot and if to even ask again.

Don't read into it.

I wouldn't want to have my dc share a party because of potential other parent politics!
There was a thread on here not long ago of a shared party and 1 parent was trying to over rule the other only having 1 cake for her Ds and not the other kid or something... have a special day where your dc is the focus of the attention.

I organised a shared birthday for my DD's 9th or 8th (cant remember - it was many years ago!), me and the other mum were a bit tight on cash so it seemed like a good idea. We still had fun but the girls had differences in what they wanted to.

I'm not sure why anyone would want to share a birthday. It's the one day of the year that can be completely about you. Have a party,.celebrate your daughter and stop worrying about what other people are doing.

Honestly I think you've had a lucky escape, planning and hosting a birthday party for 1 child is stressful enough never mind input from 2-4 other parents planning a group party. We have never came across this and I'm so glad, I could not be bothered!
Throw your child a party and invite the whole class, it's his day that he doesn't have to share with anyone else!

Thanks all - really appreciate this. Hadn’t really considered the 1 party 4 presents idea. Will reframe as a lucky escape and a great opportunity to do something fab that my DC will love.

Honestly, you have had a lucky escape. It’s awkward for parents and the birthday children often get much lesser presents (and you could end up with a few extras that your DC doesn’t know or doesn’t know, doesn’t like or doesn’t want there).

On side note please don’t underestimate the effects of meno on your moods, emotions, thoughts, memory and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

@Rasputin123 thank you - yea we need to raise the impact of meno on half of the population right up the agenda. Literally life changing.

PS @Alifemoreordinary123 its even worse when yiu are going through it with teens and your confidence is totally eroded and your perspective is off the scale.