If people outside your family are inherently selfish, why do we pretend otherwise??

[BluntHedgehog]

A colleague helped me at work, but I found out he was hoping to get something in return, possibly money. He’s also very close to another woman at work, likely because she looks like a model.
While I appreciate the help, even if it was for selfish reasons, it’s disappointing to realize that no one outside my family supports me without expecting something in return.

I used to be very open and caring to everyone regardless of them being family, friends, or not. I've given up because in my almost 50 years, people are 100% selfish and work in their own self interests, and that includes family and friends sadly. I'm pretty isolated for that reason, among other things.

Well firstly, your colleague isnt representative of everyone is he? He's one selfish person. One selfish person does not mean that everyone wants to screw you for money. I have helped plenty of people with stuff in the past simply because I liked them and was happy to help. They weren't my family.

You are not being unreasonable feeling disappointed in him but you are unreasonable by assuming everyone has the same motives as he does.

Everyone is selfish - including you.

You could argue that there is no truly altruistic act because when you do something for someone else for free you feel good about it so that is your "payoff"- you feel like you're being a good person and in your mind thats worthy of internal praise.

You have to choose your people wisely and have good boundaries. That said, my biological family (apart from dc and Dh) are absolutely selfish delusional assholes, so be grateful you have a good caring family. You can choose your friends, but you don’t get to choose your family.

My friends and colleagues have been an absolute light through really hard times. But again, good choices and healthy boundaries are key.

But tbf nobody's ever helped me without expecting a reward... it's quite disappointing.... bar my family

Have you ever helped anyone without expecting a reward?

<waves> hi. You're back. This itneraction with this man was very odd, in part because of your own behaviour and comments and your ND.... you need to move on. Also, as a rule, yes, at work, people help each other out with the expetation that you'll return the favour. That doesn't mean you can't also be friends.

And no, most friendships are not transactional - people are friends with other people because they enjoy spending time together, interacting with each other etc.

Have you ever asked for help?

Yes I have done charity work.

then what puts you off spending time with people

grin]