Is it normal to feel upset over this

[prayerforsun]

Adult DS is on the verge of a break up with his gf. They've been together a couple of years and I was convinced she was "the one" - I think she's absolutely lovely and they seem so well suited.

I feel really upset - worried about him, worried about her, and gutted that it's not working out (nothing terrible has happened, just not been getting on/having different priorities)

I really hope they can work things out but it's not looking hopeful at the moment. I don't know what I'm asking really, it's nothing to do with me really is it?

No, but I understand exactly how you feel.

My DH and I still miss our son's ex girlfriend now and I think I'd feel the same about our other son's GF if they split too.

There's nothing you can do really but time does help.

Yep. Nothing to do with you. If theybare on different pages they need to find different bookshelves. If it's rocky two years in, it will be hell in ten.

I think that you can be sad that a loved ones relationship hasn't worked out without wanting them to stay in one that is broken. Especially if you get on well with the partner. Probably she was envisioning years to come of happy family relationships and now it's slipping away.

and I'm not sure what sort of relationship @RosesAndHellebores has with their children but how is it nothing to do with the Op ? It's her son, not a colleague !

I don't know how bad things are, it was the first I'd heard of it today.

I remember having the odd bust up when I was two years into my relationship - it felt like it was the stage where we had gone past the "madly in love" bubble where the other could do no wrong, and were establishing more boundaries etc - and I'm still in that relationship. So i am hoping it's just a blip but who knows.

I’m still friends with my ex’s mum 30 years after we split. I liked her but not him.

Ah yes, I’ve had this with my two DSs recently, both broke up with GFs. It’s sad, for them (although both seem to be managing fine) and for me, because there were two lovely young people that were in some way part of my family and now I’ll probably not see them again. One of those sadnesses that life brings and we have to let happen.

I have a good male friend who I had a bit of will we/won't we period with when I was younger. In the end we didn't and he married his high school sweetheart. When it became clear it wasn't on the cards for us I think I was more gutted that his brilliant sister would never be my SIL 😂

I felt very lucky when I met her and got to know her, because I liked her so much. I've heard about so many people (in real life and on MN) who don't think much of their in laws, and I was so glad that she fit in with us all.

I know the main thing is that they are both ok.

The people you hear from on MN are of course, those having difficulties. Nobody needs to start a thread saying "please advise, I rub along fine with all the family".

You do seem very invested in this woman and its not you who will be living with her for the next 30 years. Let them sort it out themselves - better to split now than embark on an unhappy marriage if they are not right for each other.

No she doesn't.
she seems like a normal woman who really liked her sons girlfriend, was happy they seemed to be settling down together and looking forward to her being part of their lives in the future. And she's sad at the prospect that might now be over. That is normal.

im not sure what's "overinvested" about that, or are you someone that thinks in laws shouldn't be part of each others lives ? If so, how sad.

Don't be ridiculous. It is overinvested to want a child to maintain a relationship because you like the G/BF. She isn't going to be living with this woman for the future, its entirely down to her son and the GF to decide if they have a future together.

If the OP wishes to remain on friendly with the GF there is nothing to stop her doing so and forming an independent friendship with her and letting the couple decide if they have a future quite independently of her views.

I'm not being ridiculous.
you were being ridiculous suggesting she was very overinvested and have entirely constructed some situation in your mind that was nothing like the op's original post.

I'm PiL four times over - I've watched DC have partners I liked (and so not so much) before settling into what will hopefully be life long commitments. Its overinvested to be upset and convinced they are the "one" for someone else, especially a DC.

Nothing wrong with the OP forming her own independent friendship with the GF in question. My late DM maintained an ongoing friendship with one of my brothers' ex partners right up until her death. It is always wrong though to want someone else to be in relationship for your own benefit. Make your own friendship or let it go.

Honestly, OP, while I can understand why you're upset because you liked her, in reality, I think you should also be glad they're actually addressing the problems and considering ending things rather than sleepwalking into a longer term commitment/marriage/children. Better a considered parting and some short term sadness now than breaking up messily with a couple of children and a mortgage in a decade. Allow yourself to be sad, but also trust the two of them.

Yes, I felt the same. Break ups are part of growing up, unfortunately as an outsider the parent is powerless to maintain the friendship. Just be glad that she was in your life, albeit for a short time. I sometimes see my son’s ex at school functions, she is married now, and I am happy to see her settled. We have a good chat when we meet