Finding eating difficult

[Ecgwynn]

For most of my life I've been a bit of an over water, enjoying lots of food, sweet and fatty things etc. I'm always a bit overweight but generally have had to curb my enthusiasm regarding food to keep at a healthyish weight.

Since the end of October I've been going through a very stressful experience, being investigated for cancer and this anxiety manifested itself in me being convinced that I did have it. Every spare second was spent planning how to tell my young children, how to talk to HR, how to prepare for surgery etc. On top of this we had a once every 4 years stressful work inspection which lasted a week. Due to the anxiety I was unable to eat much, finding the feeling of food in my mouth horrible and avoiding food as much as possible.

My doctor has said it's not cancer and I'm so relieved but I'm still avoiding food. I'm eating a bit but find it stressful. I feel like DH is watching me eat and worrying about me, I'm avoiding eating with colleagues at work in case they comment. I'm also just not feeling as relaxed as I should, given nothing is wrong. I still feel incredibly upset about the whole episode and I don't know how to go forward from this.

Can someone give advice?

The more you worry about not bring able to eat, and well meaning people over look you the worse it will be. Take the pressure off yourself. Take nourishment through drinks, milk, soups, smoothies, meal replacement drinks, and decide you'll eat if you fancy it. At meals, serve yourself just a couple of spoonfuls. Try that for a week and see how it goes.

I'm drinking fine. It's something to do with the action of eating which upsets me. Thanks for this advice.

If you can drink then you can work back up from there to thicker and more solid food, gradually like weaning a baby. Do this alongside serving yourself tiny portions of your usual food

Thank you. Is this strange though? I feel a bit crazy.

I had an issue with eating and drinking due to anxiety. It was so bad I lost 15kg in a very short time. I needed to lose it, but not that way.
I felt like my jaw was seizing up and I was terrified of choking on anything. I'd have to psych myself up to swallow a tiny sip of water. It took time, plus I saw my GP about it and was given some medication for a very short time, but I slowly started to eat very runny ready brek or cup a soups (just the liquid and not the bits). I gradually made the ready brek a bit thicker and started to eat some of the croutons, but I couldn't eat anything I felt was out of control in my mouth ie bananas or sweets. I can't take capsule tablets either, as they float in an out of control way.
Eating dinner would take me an hour, even having a quarter portion. I am only now able to eat beef or lamb in a stew, that has taken me 6 years.
I still can't eat boiled sweets, or watch anyone else eat them, or put a whole extra strong mint in my mouth and if I have similar sensations with my jaw that remind me of that time I can go back to struggling to eat or drink. I recently had an operation and my jaw was aching after it, probably where the breathing tube was put in, and I couldn't eat anything that night. The next day I was much better.
It can get better, but you may need help with why what's happening has happened. Try not to stress as it doesn't help at all. I wish you all the best 💐

Sounds like you've been through a very stressful period and stress can take a while to 'wear off' at the best of times. If anything, you should be extremely proud of yourself for getting through it and definitely not beating yourself up further.
The most important thing now is just to build your eating back up gradually, at your own pace. No pressure, no self-judgement. Take it easy and be kind to yourself xxx

Well it's not an everyday attitude to food, no. But it's far from uncommon. I had similar after being very ill with good poisoning. I got health anxiety and became very frightened of eating in case I got sick. I did what I suggested to you and gradually managed to increase what I ate. It lasted about 6 months in all. I was absolutely fine though. Didn't lose much weight as I took in plenty of calories and nutrients in drinks. What I would say is that this is a symptom not the problem though. Its the trauma from your cancer scare that you need to work through and the eating will resolve.

I have experienced this in my family.

strategies that worked,

do not worry what you eat, spam, chips, sweeties, chocolate,
whatever is most palatable to you.

eat regularly; breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner and evening snack. Do not worry about quantities of snacks even if can only stomach half a rich tea biscuit at break time.

eat in front of tv to distract focus on eating.

it will be hard, but also do not shy away from eating with others; the more you do it the easier it will be. This can be so hard you have all my sympathies.

Give yourself a break over it; it’s ok to leave food, it’s ok if you are so anxious you throw up, but still be at the ‘table’ with other people.

it will get easier the more you do it and you can do it.

The problem is that I dont fancy anything. But I have been eating a small lunch and a small dinner every day. But anticipating these meals makes me feel weird and anxious. Then I worry about looking weird in front of others.

I feel like there's a lot of emotion just under the surface that I need to let out but haven't yet. As if I need a massive cry. I wonder if I will eat better once that's out.

Please try and eat a little bit, just childlike portions to slowly get back into it. If you don't eat for ages it can become ED. And your mouth hurts when you eat, so then you avoid it, your stomach feels too full, you avoid it. It's a vicious cycle.
If actual chewing is hard can you eat soups to start with, dunked biscuits, even supplement like ensure compact if your nutrition is getting bad.
Try and just get used to the feeling of chewing, masticating, feeling satiated. And if you're not eating much please take plenty of vitamins.
I hope things improve for you. X

Do you feel as though you can talk to your family and / or friends about exactly how you're feeling, OP?
If possible, I would just try to explain how you're feeling about food / eating so they have more of an insight. By sharing, you'll at least have taken the added pressure off yourself of having to hide what's going on inside.

DH has noticed but is wisely not commenting. I've got a good friend I'm seeing on the weekend and I'll explain the situation to her. It might help to get it all out.

It's true what they say about a problem shared being a problem halved.

Have you an employee assistance programme at work? You can get some therapy and it’s all free and confidential. Look into that.

You have been through a really stressful time and anxiety can manifest in many ways that affects your body.
Some people get chest pain with stress, my sister broke out in shingles with stress. Other people get tremors, some people even lose their hair. Stress can cause physical symptoms.

You are not crazy at all, you are just anxious. And that can be cured. You will be ok but get help and don’t suffer in silence. Good luck x