To stay because of partner or leave to be with family?

[LadyoftheCheeses]

Name change for this, but long time reader & poster.

I'm 29, with a 5yo DD. I moved to current city when I was 21 to be with now exH. He has since moved 30 miles away and sees DD on Sundays.
I've been with my partner for 18 months and we've spoken about living together in the near future. I rent my home, he owns his, so it's a given that we would move into his house. We've vaguely discussed finances in terms of living together in a house in his name and for this question, none of this is relevant so I won't go into details.

I have a dilemma, though. I hate it here. Other than DP and his friends/family, I know no one. I WFH so don't have a local work friends, DD has only just started school so haven't gelled with school parents yet. I'm literally alone.

I've started thinking, almost fantasising about moving somewhere nice. My family are all between 40-75 miles north of here in beautiful countryside areas.. so naturally I'd head that way, where I have my family and friends close by. But DP, rightly so, doesn't want to move. He owns his home, has his friends and family here etc. and definitely isn't up for a LDR.

What do I do?! Stay somewhere I'm not happy to maintain my relationship with DP or relocate DD and I somewhere nice surrounded by my family and friends, but lose DP?

Advise please!

Lose the dp and move to where you and dd will be happy near family. No brainer.

This man could be gone in a year or two anyway then you’ve more ties as more school years.

Move half way to somewhere new jointly - he can ringfence what he’s already put into his house.

Personally I would move and reset your life. You are too young to live a life you’re not happy with. If your DP doesn’t like it, then so be it.

@Wellingtonspie he's the best man I've ever met, but you're right. Nothing is promised, and what seems great now might not be in a few years time.

Move somewhere you like, blokes are ten a penny.

@Msmoonpie he has expressed that he's no intention of moving - his life is set up here and I understand where he's coming from.

@Broadband I can't say I'm not happy as such, but I have no one here and no connection to this city - I worked in an office until early 2024 so was tied to my job location wise which kept me here so long, but I can work from anywhere now. It's so tough to consider leaving DP, but I need to prioritise mine and DD's future.

Move OP. He’s not that fussed about trying to think of a compromise for your needs. Employ exactly the same process for yourself and your kids.

Happiness matters more than a relationship.

That’s tough it’s a shame we won’t compromise and at least consider moving. Is there anywhere within 20 miles you like that you could compromise on? If he won’t compromise then it’s up to you. But it’s hard with no friends and family around you and I speak from experience!
Could you move and still date?

With all due respect, you have made yourself unhappy once for the sake of a man: why keep repeating that pattern?

This.

You're young, plenty of time for relationships. The day to day grind of hating where you are though will take its toll. And now is a good time to move your DD so I'd move if I were you.

If he was the best man ever there would be a compromise. Where as his offer is stay or bye.

So his just the nicest you’ve met so far. One man dragged you to the place and left you there. Another wants you to just stay there despite knowing you’d rather leave.

what advice would you give your own daughter if she came and asked you this question.

Lose the dp, if he was that into you and saw a future - he would compromise...

I don’t get the calling a boyfriend, a partner. He’s just a boyfriend. Just move back home.

Thanks everyone, you all make very valid points! I've not approached this in a serious way with DP, so there's potential to compromise, but when we've had conversations in the past about relocating, he's made it pretty clear he's settled where he is. I suppose I need to let him know how I feel, and suggest compromise where possible, and if that's a solid no, then DD and I can up and leave.

Talk to him, he may compromise in the end , either about a move or trying it LDR to start with? If you are fantasising about moving away and feel like you hate the place despite being with him it is a sign he is not really making you 100% happy, otherwise you would have been excited to stay! If he is still rigid, move and start afresh!

If you WFH, then presumably you can work from anywhere so in your situation I would move and rent somewhere nearer your family. Your DP doesn't seem to want to consider any compromises himself, he is expecting you to make them all, and that doesn't bode well for the future, does it?

Anyway, if you are able to maintain a LDR and miss him too much, then you still have the option of moving in with him if you want to.