Has anyone else every just ‘stayed’

[Meeemm]

In a relationship?

background. Married to DH , first and only person I’ve ever been with. We have 3 and 1 .5 yo

I like him but the spark the lust has gone a bit. I don’t feel head over heels. I’m unsure if my sex drive is gone too but I don’t feel like sed really. We had our kids close together so it’s been a lot for me and he’s been quite a lazy dad, and not very sympathetic to 2 pregnancies , 2 c sections all of it being tough etc.

It’s easier to stay. Hes a companion he’s my only ever partner I’ve had we’ve got our kids, our house , a business, shared money. Splitting bills makes us comfortable at the end of the month to do family days out and things for the kids

Im not in a toxic relationship. Just feel like roommates. Is this just normal? Or has anyone else got to this point and just stayed as it’s easier

If I went out dating again I’m not gorgeous imo. I’m on the spectrum so a bit awkward and I’ve got 2 kids which are my life but I think some men may be steered away unless they get my kids are always priority ? I don’t know. I haven’t thought of it too deeply just a little odd thought here and there

settling may be a better term?

I think that's quite normal with kids those ages and it's good you're not fighting and he's companionable.

You'll have more time for each other when both are older

Yeah only spat really and muted so when we’re both stress the odd snap but will the spark come back? I just feel like it’s gone but it’s easier than breaking up my family over ?

Maybe look into marriage counselling and/or date nights - can you get a babysitter?

Do you know how he feels?

With or without children I think it’s normal to stay given the upheaval and expense of dividing assets then downsizing.

I think I wrote on another thread about a beautiful lady who won’t leave her cheating husband because of the fabulous lifestyle they have thanks to the multi-million business he built from scratch.

if she divorced him she could easily live in a £4m house and have £10m in cash / pensions, but she doesn’t want to upset her children who have no idea about their father’s indescretions.

We went through similar. 2 kids in 2 years etc. The spark is back , life moves on, resentments about each other settles. Dc now 11 & 9.

He’s not going to be completely oblivious to the relationship being dead, especially if there’s no sex and you treat each other like housemates. Ultimately I think it’s always preferable to separate whilst you’re still amicable and can negotiate a good separation and co-parenting arrangement rather than wait until the issues are entrenched and you’re both thoroughly resentful and miserable and hate each other’s guts, and separating becomes a battleground; or have a blindsided separation forced upon you when one of you meets somebody else and wants to leave, and be on the back foot.

Relationship counselling might be a start. It can help you communicate your problems to each other in a neutral environment where it doesn’t turn into an argument and can help you identify whether things are salvageable, or whether things have run their course. Honestly, I think if you’re already lining up the idea of meeting a new man in your head and your decision is largely being swayed by not thinking you’d have much luck so might as well stay with the one you have, it’s pretty indicative of where things are.

Having kids is so hard - you’re knackered, body has changed , libido has changed, and I sense you’re getting the ick from your husband being so useless. I don’t blame you. I’d start with telling him to get off his arse as lazy men are so unattractive

But I felt the same when mine were tiny. I was amazed we even conceived DC2, I could just never be arsed or my body was alway leaking from some area or I’d think “Why on earth would I have sex when I could sleep instead”. Mine now 11 and 7, spark did come back

So some mixed responses

Yes I did get the ick a bit when he just was so useless. It is unattractive and it’s improved but obviously I don’t forget early days me struggling and him moaning about being tired etc