How often do you see the in-laws?

[NicoleXpeters]

I have a 5M baby and I have had to set a boundary of seeing my partners parents especially his mother once every two weeks for a couple of hours. I am made to feel super bad for this and I’ve had all the comments that I’m hindering them having a relationship with my baby.
Before baby was born we would maybe see his parents once every couple of months, as soon as I had my baby his mum was around every day in the first week! I was going nuts, then when I made a few boundaries such as no last minute visits in the evening when were trying to have dinner then put baby to bed, that didn’t go down well.
it’s not just the unhappiness with boundaries it’s the vile comments that aren’t your typical mil ones either, she has made a number of nasty hurtful comments, yet still expects me to have her around my child all the time.
My partner has discussed boundaries and told her to stop the comments but he then gets guilt tripped into the whole “we don’t recognise you as our son” all because things aren’t her way!
it’s really sad because if there wasn’t the comments ect ect they maybe would get to see the baby more.
My newborn experience was completely ruined with anxiety caused by his mother, I try my best to have an attitude to not let it annoy me but it’s so difficult when my partner keeps pushing for me to be around them more and makes me feel guilty.
I’ve forgiven her on 4 different occasions for my partners sake but my baby is only 5M and things go one step forward 10 steps back!
I think a monthly visit would be slightly more better but my partner won’t hear it and thinks I have crazy boundaries set, it’s only the no evening visits and not seeing them every single weekend.

Just let your partner take the baby out to visit them as often as he likes and you do something else with the free time. There. Sorted. That was easy, wasn't it?

@NicoleXpeters , how often do you see your parents?

Unfortunately not that easy since my baby is exclusively breastfed and doesn’t take a bottle nor does he handle a car journey for more than 5 minutes. His family live an hour away. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But it will depend on proximity and a whole host of other reasons, like whether everyone involved works etc. We lived in another country to our families when we had DS, but we probably had my parents and DH's parents to stay once every two months. We now live in the same city as both sets of parents. DH sees his most days for ten minutes or so, I see mine briefly about twice a week with a longer visit at the weekend, and usually see DH's once a week at the weekend.

I see my own parents once every two weeks usually, my parents aren’t obsessed and are there when I need them, never once has my boundires been questioned.
I don’t think you can love a child and not like the mother! Not how it works unfortunately

Of course you can! This is also your partner's child, after all. They may see you as an unfortunate error (not saying they do, but my PILs are not particularly keen on me, or one of my SILs, but they're very fond of both of our children) but that doesn't hold for your children.

@NicoleXpeters , was this an answer to my question as to how frequently you see your parents?

@NicoleXpeters , your “not how it works unfortunately “ comment speaks volumes to me. It very much sounds like you want to punish your PsIL? If not why do you want them to have half the time with your children that your own parents enjoy?
Be very careful because today your son is a little boy and you are his entire world but that little boy will grow up and as he grows he will learn from you how relationships work. One day he won’t live with you and you will be replaced as his most important person by another woman (unless he’s gay). If you are lucky he will have children of his own, I’m a grandmother and I can tell you the love we feel for our grandchildren is extremely strong and the urge to be an important, loving and meaningful part of their lives is overwhelming. You are teaching him with your every interaction with his paternal grandparents how to be with you when that time comes. Tread carefully, we reap what we sow.

Well it's time to work a bit harder at introducing a bottle then. That's your best solution. You can't let a small thing like that get in the way of an otherwise easy solution to your problem.

So your in-laws came to your house every single day in the first week of your baby being born, despite living an hour away?

I think the comments you've had so far are nuts! Seeing mil once every fortnight for a couple of hours is fine. Once a month would also be fine. Do not for one second entertain the idea of feeding your baby in a way you don't want to in order to facilitate visits without you.

You, your partner and baby are now a family of 3 and you deserve respect and kindness at the very least.

Your boundaries are fine.

You need to get your DP on the same page as you, find a compromise you can both agree on (once a fortnight sounds like it suits) and stick to it like glue. Get him to communicate with his parents as it being a joint boundary, not yours alone

We see MIL about once every 2 months, though probably would have been less when dc were little. She lives an hour away. Just have your dp say you aren’t available, but you could see her Saturday afternoon 2 weeks from then. I think it’s fine for her to see baby every 2 weeks, but your dp needs to facilitate this. In a couple months, your baby will be able to go out for 3 hours without you. Your dp can meet them for a walk or lunch and you can have a nap.

Or she's teaching him to have self respect and care for his emotional wellbeing 🤷

Unfortunately they don't have to like you but since there is a chunk of the early part of a babies life where they are basically a package deal with the mother - they need to be respectful of you and your time.
What kind of comments are they making? Does your partner defend you against these?
Once every 2 weeks is very regular to see grandparents.
Everyday in the first week of birth is super unnecessary when you're recovering from birth and just settling into having a new born.
It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable to me.

Of course it does! My maternal grandmother couldn’t stand my dad but she loved the bones of me.

my dad used to laugh and roll his eyes about it at home but he never stamped his feet or tried to stop me having a relationship with her.

I want t my child to grow up with good values and just because there related to my son doesn’t mean that they will respect mine or my child’s boundaries.
I can’t have my son growing up thinking it’s okay for family members to behave in such a nasty and immature manner! Children need to see that there parents are respectful and that extended family are respectful too. Yes my in-laws visited every day in the first week!

I don't think you understand the term 'boundaries', OP. You are misusing it.

MIL and FIL live 5 doors down. We see MIL once or twice a week. We see FIL about once every six months.

My in laws live about an hour and a bit away and we will see them monthly.

When we lived 5 minutes away we still saw them monthly.

I think it all depends on the relationship you have with them. If your mil is undermining you as a parent then I think it's reasonable to distance yourself. If she's doing it in front of your child then yes I'd distance from the child too as you have to parent them. Ultimately its down to your dh to enforce boundaries about what mil does and says when she's visiting though.

A whole host of comments have been made. It’s sad really that they behave like this as if this wasn’t the case and they treated me with more respect they would definitely get to see their grandchild more often.
comments such as… Questioning every single decision I make for my child.
Telling me what he should be wearing.
making nasty comments when unhappy about any decisions or plans that she doesn’t have control over.
The list goes on I could wright a book🤷🏼‍♀️ but I have a responsibility to my child to surround him with people that respect and care about my child and myself.

Once every 2 weeks is absolutely fine but only if your ok with it.
I had similar with my MIL when DS was born
and we agreed to a visit once a fortnight with DH present. She asked for alone time multiple times when told no, criticised breastfeeding and my parenting generally and shouted at us when we wouldn’t agree to a visit.
They weren’t happy and wanted more but that’s tough isn’t it, you can’t be rude to children’s parents and expect unlimited access.
DS also didn’t take a bottle but when he could go longer between feeds I didn’t always go to these visits, being able to have that space was brilliant as I trusted DH to maintain boundaries.
And now recently they have calmed down a lot which has made life much easier and I feel happy inviting them over Christmas Day etc - I think if I had continued putting up with everything I would’ve snapped and we’d of had a big fall out
Good luck

I understand OP, my PIL went absolutely crazy after my twins were born. The behaviour got worse and worse and I was a wreck. My twins were premature and very sick and even with that looking back now it was my MIL behaviour that caused me the most anxiety.

when my twins were 6m old I took a major step back and quietly cut visits to once a week. I just kept being ‘busy’. When they got to 12m it was still awful, I took a further step back and left the visits to my husband. She had insisted we let her watch them twice a week when I went back to work, I was desperately unhappy about this but let it happen because I thought I had to, it was carnage as expected and she stormed out one day and stopped having them (the relief!)

He cut the visits down to once every other week after a lot of shit.

My twins are 20m now and unfortunately my husbands relationship with his family has almost completely broken down.

I learned you can’t reason with unreasonable people. He is currently still seeing them every couple of weeks but is processing his decision that he may go no contact. I have barely seen them in months, I’ve never openly fell out with anyone, I’m just conveniently busy every time.

I see on these threads a lot that people say you’ll regret not facilitating lots of access when they’re babies because when they’re older you’ll want the baby sitting. Absolutely the opposite for me. Happy to facilitate regular access as long as my husband wants to but she will never watch my children alone again.

4 times a week.
It's too much 😞
It's really affecting our marriage.