DD fear of social embarrassment

[ApplesAndBaers]

DD (nearly 15) has been struggling with intense fear of social embarrassment for the past few months.

Whenever she feels like she might stand out or be judged for what she is wearing, how her hair looks or what she is saying / doing, she completely shuts down. For context, she choses all her clothes and wears what she wants but occasionally hugely regrets her choice. A few days ago she wore a skirt and nice top to a school event and when she realised everyone was wearing baggy jeans and hoodies, she was so stressed. She came back home crying.

It's not all about how she looks or her clothes though it could be just what she says or does. She has started to avoid going to things she’s previously committed to, if she’s worried about what people might think, even if it’s something she’s usually excited about.

Once she’s made up her mind that something is too embarrassing, there’s no convincing her otherwise. It’s causing a lot of stress at home as she is missing out on things often last minute, and I’m not sure how to help her manage this fear.

She used to be comfortable in her own skin and confident. When she experiences the fear of embarrassment, she is 100% consumed with it and doesn't seem to be able to snap out of it. I wouldn't call it a panic attack but an intense refusal to go to the rent or activity where she fear she'd be judged😢.

I know it’s common for teens to go through phases like this, but any tips on how to support her through it would be really appreciated.

but an intense refusal to go to the event

I'm not sure I can offer advice but my DD 16 is very similar. Anything like non-uniform day at school causes massive anxiety. She had a birthday recently and didn't want to go out for lunch which would normally do as she was too anxious. She rarely goes out apart from school or to walk the dog locally. She plays the violin but won't perform or join an orchestra. She has had counselling for her anxiety and panic attacks and now has some tools to manage it, but she hasn't really changed. If she really wants to do something she is able to force herself and get through it....but it's a battle for her. I am just hoping she will grow out of it and that sixth form and university may help.

I would add I try to make things as easy for her as possible and don't push her out of her comfort zone, I'm not sure if this helps or not. DH often tries to get her to do things she doesn't want to do and that really doesn't work...

Can you teach her some basic CBT techniques. Teach her phrases to run through her head like: 'Whether I fit in or stand out, both are fine. Both of these are acceptable.'

Or 'Making social blunders is 100% normal. Everyone does it, including me. I don't like it when it happens, but I love and accept myself anyway. I am learning not to blow these out of proportion.'

'Most of the time, no one notices other people's small mistakes, and even if they do, they don't care.'

If there is bullying involved, she might need, 'If people laugh at me or mock or exclude me for making small social mistakes, I choose to judge their cruelty, not my own humanity.'

DS had social anxiety in his late teens, and told me he got over it by using a technique a therapist taught him which was to ask himself: How would I react right now if I didn't have social anxiety?' Then he'd do that. It took guts and it didn't always work. But the more it worked, the easier it got and he said he doesn't really have it any more.

My DD18 is exactly the same. Her whole life is ruled by the fear of being embarrassed. She also has extreme emetophobia (fear of being sick/fear of other people being sick). She's having therapy now, thank goodness.

The fears she has are all down to low self esteem, apparently. If she can raise that using CBT she'll be much better.

It's really really hard. She's a social recluse and finds even simple tasks incredibly difficult. I believe she's stuck in fight or flight mode due to her anxieties.

I hope you find some answers OP.