I'm so lonely

[Churrosnotpurros]

I had my second baby 17 weeks ago. He doesn't sleep so that's probably making everything feel worse but I feel so lonely. My older child is at school but has ASD and selective mutism and doesn't really have any friends so I don't really chat to his classmates' parents. I've never managed to penetrate the school mum cliques anyway. My family and in laws live far away and are busy with their own lives. I have never been one for large groups of friends anyway - I have a couple of close friends but they're also busy and don't live nearby.

I know I need to get out to baby groups but with nap timings it's a nightmare as he will only sleep in my arms, not the pram or sling, and he's so grumpy if we are out and he needs a sleep. I can't drive due to a seizure disorder so have to go everywhere on the bus and I find it very stressful.

The only adult I really speak to is my DH. I feel so lonely all the time.

Hi OP,

Im sorry to hear this, it can be a very lonely time.

I think the baby groups are your best bet. I know they might feel wasted if he sleeps through but often they are more for the mums to get out and meet people etc anyway.

If your oldest has additional needs is there anywhere more specialist? It might help to meet mums whose kids are similar and understand the challenges.

Wheres DH in all this? Is he helping out?

I have a 5 month old who will only contact nap so I feel your pain! I also struggle with loneliness sometimes as I don’t have a huge social circle.

Really, however hard it is, you need to get to the baby groups.

Theyve saved my sanity on more than one occasion.

Im BF and go to a breast feeding support one and most of the time she isn’t interested in the baby sensory stuff she will just feed and then sleep in my arms but I’ve been able to talk to some other women while she’s doing that. Think of them more for you than your baby! If you’re not sure where they are, start with your HV or local library as they’ll probably know some cheap or even free ones.

I know I need to go to baby groups but it's so hard when I know he will cry through them if hes tired - he won't sleep if we are out, total FOMO baby.

Have you looked into whether there is a families of autistic or SEN/ND children support group in your area? Or linked to the school? You will find those parents much kinder and more welcoming and accepting than the more mainstream groups.

Can you contact Homestart and explain why you are struggling? Just having someone come over once a week to make you a cup of tea and chat with you would be a start.

You could also ring Parentline at any time on any day. Another warm, friendly contact to get you through the week. In the end, this is a short time of life - they grow up and stop crying and this phase dies out naturally. But while you are in it, it feels endless, especially while sleep deprived and with an SEN child, which does make bonding with other parents harder.

Don't be shy of seeking support wherever you can. There's no shame in turning to charities set up for this express purpose, to stop you feeling so isolated. These charities wouldn't exist if there wasn't widespread need for them.

Do give baby groups ago, worst case scenario it doesn't work right now. He might actually be stimulated by what's going on and delay his sleep. Also, not sure what sort of area you're in, but I had three within walking distance, so there may be one with better timings. Look at local libraries who sometimes have reading groups for little ones.

The alternative, might be to get yourself out in the evening, either try a new hobby or an exercise class. I picked up the courage recently to try a new exercise class (often thought about it (Clubbercise!), but felt I was too old/unfit - it's been good, I've been going for six weeks now) You might not make friends immediately, but after 2-3 weeks one or two will start chatting to you, and that'll help.

Evenings are just a total no go, he's surgically attached to my boobs from about 6pm!