How to help teenage DD to not be so stressed.

[Walkingtheplank]

DD is tressed and I don't know how to help.
She's really bright and works hard. Not necessarily works as smart as she can but she is working to be better e.g. now studies in public library after school to avoid school and home distractions.

She first became particularly stressed in the lead up to her GCSE mocks and managed to be the rare child who does worse in her actual exams compared to her mocks. Still good grades but not the stellar result she was capable of because she could not cope. She became hysterical, tearful. She was half frozen, half emotional frenzy.

She is now in her A'Level year and has been overwhelmed. She still hasn't completed her UCAS statement as she has struggled to find the course she wants - she wants a specific course externally accredited. She has come into my room late at night, tearful at just not knowing what to do when her friends can choose from lots of university due to wanting very typical courses. Each of her 6 teachers expect a lot of work each week - half term was no break at all because each wanted the whole week spent on their topic. She has on occasion been off sick just to catch up. She had a compulsory show that she had to be in at school which took up a ridiculous amount of time for something she did not want to be in. And now she has her driving test on Monday first thing in the rush hour. She had a lesson today and could no longer park the car. She's just found out that she has to use a Satnav but has never used one. She's just been in the lounge tearful, convinced she will fail. Anything I say is wrong.

I look ahead and can see her failing her test, then stress before mocks, then stress in run up to A'Levels then stress during A'Levels, stress in lead up to mocks, she realistically won't get what she's been predicted (3xA* because of the stress) etc. Which ever university she goes to she won't be happy.

How do I help her to not be stressed. I really do try to help but it's almost like she keeps pushing so that she can say I'm annoyed with her, therefore unhelpful and she can storm off.

What's the solution?

Just also to put in context, she did take herself off to the school councillor last year who thought she might have ADHD so we went off to the GP who agreed it could be possible. On the NHS waiting list for that. I paid for a private assessment but that came back as not diagnosed because she wasn't displaying any issues before she was 12.

The GP also suggested counselling but as far as I know DD did not follow this up despite my prompting. I feel like mentioning it now but she has so much on her plate and is totally overwhelmed that it seems unwise to add another commitment to her list.

This sounds ridiculous but I do a lot of talking via text/ WhatsApp. She can’t then just shout at me! But ultimately you can do anything, make cups of tea-offer to pay for vastly overpriced coffee while she’s revising. Say it’s ok to defer. Take the pressure of home away and hopefully she can cope with the rest-it’s hard! And I’m head of year 13….,

You could try some L- Theanine to calm her. She would benefit from lithium Orotate each day too. These two things will make an impact.

https://www.powerbody.co.uk/swanson/lithium-orotate-5mg,31934.html

https://www.powerbody.co.uk/swanson/suntheanine-l-theanine-100mg,31407.html

just speaking from experience, I take these myself !

Does she know she can take the driving test as many times as it takes to pass? Also, it is really really common to be failed on the first driving test for a bullshit reason, so I think she needs to know this.

Does she know that she can re-sit or retake an A level if she wants to during a gap year and then apply with grades in hand? That it is unlikely she’d drop below BBB and those are still decent grades and will get her into a good University? Does she know that it is PROVEN fact that teachers over estimate grades- she wasn’t a “rare” child to do worse on her GCSEs than predicted, this actually happens to MOST children.

I feel the best way to make her less stressed is to take the one shot, you must get 3 A stars or your entire life is derailed pressure off. She needs to know the reality- most people fail the driving test on the 1st try, and most people score lower than predicted on GCSEs and A levels. She’s not underperforming at all.

totally agree with the thrust of your post, but this bit just isn't accurate: "most people score lower than predicted on GCSEs and A levels. She’s not underperforming at all"

Presuming child goes to a state school, they routinely under predict to stop this sort of thing happening/get safe uni offers

No, it is accurate. The DofE has done studies on it at state schools.
Most teachers predict higher GCSE & A level grades than are actually attained.

Students from state schools are more likely to be over predicted…

Oh wow, that's radically changed then

Thanks everyone. I actually meant her real GCSE grades were less than her mocks. It's also OK if she does not get AAA. Her preferred course is a weird one and the highest grades she'll need are AAA but some of her list of five have requirements several grades lower than that. I don't think either of us are worried about her getting the grades to go somewhere, but she worries about being prepared for the exams themselves and she used to breeze through exams and now beats herself up because she isn't the academic star she used to be.

Since I wrote the first post we've had another chat at her instigation.
We have just self-referred online to the counselling service! She thinks understanding why she thinks the way she does and getting some strategies in place would be useful
She accepts that she is catastrophising but she can't stop worrying about things and winding herself up. She's expecting a long night of thoughts - whilst tucked up with the hot water bottle.

It's tough at that age.