Ds very sore loser - what to do?

[Pianopianou]

DS lost at cricket yesterday and threw his bat and then had a cry and a rage about it. A super bad attitude and also terrible because he could have damaged equipment!

Obviously spoke to him about the equipment thing (as did his coach) and also said that this shouting needs to stop. But I think maybe I need to say more.

I am not sure how best to talk to him about it to get him to see that this sore loser thing is not good.

Whenever he loses a football match or anything - even when his premiership team loses - he cries and rages.

Outside of sports, he’s a very peaceful, mellow happy child.

How do I deal with this in a good way? I don’t want to just shame him out of it, but I really want to show him that not only is he ruining his own fun; but he’s also making others around him feel uncomfortable too.

Where do sore loser feelings come from? Is it a power thing? Hormones? (I can’t relate at all!)

How old is he? Very different advice for a 6/7 year old, or 16

Oh yes sorry - he’s 10!

Model good losing? Name it? Praise any hint of good losing from him, eg in a low stakes card game that isn’t as important as sport?

Not sure, but I would share your concern.

At that age, I'd probably talk to him about it as a one off now, and focus on the issues with doing this - basically it makes the whole game not fun. I'd also explore some appropriate reactions such as how he can gracefully say 'well done' to an opponent and then moan to you in the car for instance. Then I'd remind him on the way to each match.

Sportsmanship is such a key component of playing sport.
In many sports, if someone ‘raged’ they would be benched. I wouldn’t let him play the next game if he displayed that behaviour.

The trouble is, while I agree with you, he’d say “fine I quit!” And would.

And he does love to play. It’s not me pushing any of it - I don’t enjoy giving up Friday evenings to cricket and Saturday afternoons to football!

At that age I think I’d tell him I was embarrassed by his behaviour and wouldn’t take him again if there was a repeat. Apologies to the coach, team mates etc. whatever is appropriate.

Then it’s his choice, isn’t it. Play up, play up, and play the game. If he wants you to give up your time then he must discuss with you how to cope with difficulties and what he’ll do differently next time. If he quits, he quits. He’ll also learn from how the rest of the family deals with adversity and there are several family friendly films that deal with this theme

At 10 he needs to start controlling himself a bit better. Of course it’s disappointing but that response is a bit OTT. Maybe show some adult matches and point out how the losing team is taking it. I’m sure he will develop some self control in time. Is he the same with board games? X

Same reaction when he loses at family Monopoly or Cluedo? Or is it a team thing?

No he’s fine losing board games / card games etc. it’s only team sports - actually and fifa!

Outside of team sports / fifa, he’s a reasonable, calm happy kid. Listens when you tell him things, etc.

(We’d actually decided to remove fifa for a bit as it was not worth the drama.)

You’re clearly making excuses for his poor behaviour. How are you and the closest around him reacting to defeats? How much importance do you place in your family to win (sports, games, exams, etc) Do you show other members of your team, school, family, friends respect or do you speak ill of them when you want to get ahead.

Your son‘s behaviour is clearly modelled on something/someone - especially when as you say he doesn’t display this behaviour in other social situations.

Sportsmanship is a core part of any sport. I’d leave my son in no doubt that he won’t be playing again unless he refrains from these theatrical displays of anger. If he quits on the back of that then I‘d say that’s a choice he’s made and accept it. It sounds like unpleasant behaviour to have on a team for both his side and the other anyway. At 10 he is capable of reigning it in and understanding the impact of his outbursts.

You’ve had some good suggestions. I’d also think about having a chat to tease out his beliefs about losing - what does he think will happen? What does he think it means? Eg if he believes it makes you ‘a loser’ or people think you’re lame if you lose a game, is that what’s driving his intensity here?

I’m not making excuses for it! I am asking for advice as I know it’s not ok!

But he’d quit! And that isn’t going to help him stop being a bad loser, is it? He’d just not do that sport again and learn nothing. I don’t think it’ll solve the problem in the long term.

I personally couldn’t care less if I lose, he isn’t modelling this behaviour off us at home. I am not competitive at all.

I sort of agree with you @Coldfinch but the reality all around us is that sport is about winning. Second bests are losers. The whole of sports coaching, media, sponsorship and motivation is about winning. That might, in fact, explain the confusion underlying the behaviour described by the OP. Unless you’re in a pre WW1 boys public school, and even then I’m not sure.

@HoppityBun I get it that sports tends to be about winning but it’s also about fairness - being a good sportsman is about more than winning. Throwing a tantrum and being a sore loser isn’t good sporting behaviour and mum seems to be making excuses for her son so I’d hesitate a guess he’s copying behaviour he’s seen and does it for attention and a pity party.

I‘d pick him up on it and incentivise him for not showing the sore loser behaviour. Don’t let him quit but stress good sporting behaviour and point out other sporting representatives who remain calm and model good and fair behaviour on the pitch and off. Do not indulge him when he flips out - give him attention when he behaves how you like him to. TBH you sound like you already do. Keep reiterating how you’d like him to behave.

Do you watch his matches?
At 10 I'd have an understanding chat with him, ask him to describe his thoughts and feelings. Tell him you want to understand and help not tell him off. Explain that while it is ok to feel upset at losing, it's not upset to act the feelings out in a negative way. Talk about negative and positive actions so he can identify them.
Then I'd talk to him about how sportsmanship is just as important as the actual winning or losing.
I'd then suggest a private "sportsmanship competition" between him and you. There are 10 marks available for showing good sportsmanship in a match. You decide how many points he gets each time, but YOU gets the points he loses, so if he gets 7, you get 3. Keep a score chart. The person who gets most points at the end of a half term wins a treat!

You really need to talk to him at length, in depth. It's a very unattractive quality, similar to be stingy with money.