Have you ever been really honest with a friend and it’s ended the friendship?

[Usiedusie]

Thought I was doing the right thing by speaking to me friend about how her husband speaks to her and treats her. She regularly shares it with me and I just listen but today I was very kind about it and just said I didn’t think it was ok. She took it really bad.

it also reminded me of a similar situation years ago with a friend at uni who was getting herself into really dodgy situations and asked for advice and then was fuming about it.

anyone else have any experience of this?

Tbh I think it can end the friendship for a few years or a year but usually your opinion is respected in the long term.

Anyway, how could you live with yourself if you didn't speak frankly on important matters.

I've fallen out with three friends shorterm but friendship resumed and when I was the recipient of unwelcome advice (which I didn't take) I went on to respect the person who had "dared" to put her head above the parapet. As it turned out.

I don't really hold grudges but it I do it would be with people telling you only what you want to hear or enabling toxic cycles of behaviour.

No but my second longest time friend was honest with me and we haven't been the same since. ATM no contact. She had a slight point but it was unnecessary and very cruel what she said.

They cant have it both ways in my opinion. Dont constantly whine about something if you dont want the truth and/or arent willing to do anything about it.

Fine to complain sometimes, we all do, but you have to listen to the same issue over and over again then frankly STFU if you arent willing to hear the truth. Cant abide people who do this.

I’m awful upset at myself because she too it so badly

Yes - as a group of friends we helped someone escape an abusive relationship and got her and kids set up by themselves, furniture etc. 5 mins later she met someone on Tinder who immediately was telling her what she could and couldn't do and became enmeshed far too quickly. I told her I was a bit worried about her - previously she'd had so many plans for what she would do when single - and that maybe she shouldn't rush into things. She told him I didn't like him, and I think I saw her twice after that - both times he collected her from meet ups. I messaged her for a while but it was clear she was putting him first and he didn't want us to meet up. We were really close before this and it upset me a lot. I was especially worried about the kids as they'd already had to cope with so much. I had to leave it in the end. I still worry about her.

Yes, I had a friend who was really struggling with her relationship and just feeling like life wasn’t working out (unhappy where she was living, unhappy with work, etc). I’d moved abroad for work and had met my now Dh and she asked me what I thought she should do. I told her if I were her, I’d move away and try something new, new town/country, new job, new social circle, just get out of the rut and see if she felt better because it made a big difference for me.

Apparently, I thought I was better than everyone else because I’d gone abroad for work, had a new boyfriend, was travelling, thought I was too good for them now. She never really spoke to me again after that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She had been my best friend. She did break up with her partner, moved away, got a new job, etc. so she did take my advice, but definitely got no thanks for it. 😂

You said it kindly and respectfully. If she is upset thats on her.

Her feelings are her responsibility and I suspect there is some projection going on - she's actually annoyed with herself and putting it on you because its easier to deal with.

Yes unfortunately it was a very vulnerable friend who for a long time I just listened to and witnessed her husband being a twat.

She complained about her situation, I questioned what her husband was doing to help & support her, of course it’s absolutely sweet fuck all but he was managing his hobbies a few times a week while she was living in utter utter hell.

So I suggested that he stop his hobbies and instead helped his wife, parent his kids and step up. She was genuinely shocked like it had never occurred to her that this would be an option.

Anyway, I don’t think it was what I said but it was that I said it at all so the friendship faded.

Still in the same situation now I believe.

Yes. My ex-best friend didn't like where I was moving to. She actually made up a pack of absolutely outrageous lies about my new place and I told her she had upset me. She then told me that she didn't want anything to do with me any more because I should have realised she was trying to protect me
Rather than upset me.

It's a shame but I just can't be friends with somebody who is prepared to tell great big fat porkies to make their point.

But that's your friend lying. The thread is about people telling the truth.

True @echt. But I was telling the truth to my friend. Essentially that I knew she lied and I didn't appreciate it.

I'm honest if I'm asked my opinion and have upset people by telling the truth.

These people are called “askholes”

Moan repeatedly. Then ask for advice and don’t take it. Repeatedly. Then when you call it, you’re the problem.

every time i open my mouth im honest if the truth hurts fuck it im not going to sugar coat anything.

Like the time my own oldest sister said oh you like my kids so much you should baby sit for me so i can have some free time.
I replied with i wouldent see them hurt but i dont like them their your kids im not a nanny we dont talk much now oops.

Yep, told her that her boyfriend was trying to sleep with ne. She believed me but then didn’t speak to me or see me again. They’re still together, so what can you do?

Yes I have

my friend was getting married to a really nice guy that adored her but she was still in love with her ex

closer to her wedding she was making all sorts of strange comments one about the wedding being covered be insurance if it was cancelled

I asked her was she ready to get married we chatted she said she was and would grow to love her husband as much as she loved her ex

next day I received a very long email tellign what a poor friend I was 😞

I was heartbroken and still would love to get in touch 22 years later

Yes, honest and I ended the friendship. Years I listened to her suffering domestic violence. I went out of my way to help. Eventually I think I became a sounding board and somehow there was transference to me. I felt disrespected and she also disrespected my time. Time ti move on for me. Not heard from her since but no doubt she's probably in the same place. Talks the talks but doesn't walk the walk

Yes I lost my childhood best friend in my twenties because she asked me what I thought of her getting engaged to an absolutely horrible man. I felt I had no choice but to say it felt wrong as I was very worried about her being with him. Sadly she distanced herself from me and we drifted far apart, lives going in totally different directions. I have seen her again but we feel like very different people now,

Very sadly it worked out badly for her, but still a sad friendship loss. Then one of my current very close friends asked me the same question and I felt so worried about answering, but had the same gut instinct for her situation. I asked her if she really really wanted my thoughts. I very very tentatively voiced some questions about is there any rush etc. Fortunately she pulled out of it and he also turned out to be not at all nice.

It’s so hard OP but it’s on her if she can’t tell your worth as a true friend with integrity. The alternative is to just be a sycophant and not be true to your own values. It sounds like you tried hard to be gentle and supportive. Hope it works out OK.

It’s likely she’s so upset because you’ve hit the nail on the head and she knows it. Hopefully in time she’ll accept that you are being a friend. Based on what you’ve said, you’ve done the right thing x

I have learned not to interfeere in others relationships. But there is a limit to how much dumping I will listen to. If really pushed for my opinion I will turn it back on the person and ask them what they think they should do. They then either hear themselves say the answer, or not. I let things go their natural course. I did try to support one friend who was in an extremely toxic and abusive marriage but it was too hard for her to deal with it all at the time. We drifted apart. Twenty years on we are in touch again and she has learned alot and is in a better place finally. We have mutual respect for each other.

Sadly yes. A friend of over 30+ years was having a blue with her adult son & DIL. Basically, she was getting too involved. In an attempt to "punish" them my friend was spitefully & vindictively reporting her son & DIL to child services in an attempt to have their young child removed. She wanted to gain custody. The reports were false & baseless. I couldn't stand by & watch what she was doing & say nothing. It wasn't right. I gently pointed out that other kids in serious need of protection msy be missing out, while child services investigated her claims.Needless to say my friend hasn't spoken to me since.

Sounds like you're better off that she doesn't speak to you any more she sounds awful

As your conversation only happened today OP, hopefully it isn't the end of your friendship.

Yes. My childhood best friend's DH cheated on her. After months of lying and gas lighting her he broke up with her for the OW. My friend was a broken woman. Then the OW decided she didn't want him anymore and turned him down. So my friend took him back. We went out to dinner with them, DH and I and the two of them and I was very honest with them both about my thoughts on the situation. Never heard from her again.

One of my best friends was raising two really unkind brattish daughters with her passive parenting. They were awful to my own kids especially my little boy who they would declare is smelly, gross, has “boy germs” because they’d been taught girls were superior in the name of ‘empowerment’. She used to thank them if she ever had time out the house!! “Thank you for letting me have a meal out with my friends” she’d say!

One day we all went to the park and our eldest kids (IIRC 8yo) had a race to a zip line. Hers was going “Me first, I want to go on first, don’t you dare go before me” to my DD, but my DD ignored her and got there first. Her DD started screaming that my DD was “wrong” and “evil” and her mum kowtowed her snd agreed my DD was in the wrongs Then, on instruction from her eldest, my friend went to go “speak” to my DD! Needless to say I told her to not even think about telling my DC off, and we went toe to toe. I had to tell her that her children’s behaviour was unacceptable and she needs to start not pandering to it. It escalated a bit and I said this is why your children have no friends in school (something my friend always moaned about and it baffled her as to why).

Haven’t spoken since. Im gutted as we were so close but our values were just too different and im not having anyone’s kids pick on mine.